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August 06, 2004

SNAKE NEWS ROUNDUP FOR TODAY SO FAR

This snake is still on the lam. This one is recovering, after swallowing -- yes -- a heating pad. Fortunately, none of this has affected the Cher Farewell Tour.

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AGAIN?

How do you do that?

Not poisonous? Niether is a piano falling out a third story window,but I wouldn't want to be too close to it.

"...the 8-foot-long snake ate a live rat and then mistakenly swallowed a 12-by-14 inch heating pad, wires and all, left in its cage by mistake."

Stupid snake... How can you mistakenly swallow a heating pad?

This is natural selection at work, my friends.

*Polly is typing with her tongue and her right hand on account of the unfortunate "teat glue" incident. The paramedics are on the way, folks.*

It's a gift!

It's a gift!

True Cher Farewell Tour Story of the Day

Last night the local public TV channel is showing the Farewell Tour video during the bi-monthly beg-a-thon. The earnest host comes on during a break and annonces that for a small donation of only $250 you can keep public TV on the air, receive a Cher concert DVD and two tickets to "what may be the last time her Farewell Tour stops in our city."

I've got tickets to see Alice Cooper when he comes to Winnipeg. Does this mean he won't have Alice with him? I refuse to accept some bogus anaconda!

It's a gift!

The gift that keeps on giving, eh, Third?

God only knows what Cher leaves lying around her dressing room while on tour. That snake's X-ray might have been much, much scarier if it'd been on the road with Cher.

Note to Alice Cooper and other aging rockers: Maybe when a heating pad is part of your pre-show ritual then it might be time to hang up your snake and call it a day.

". . .officials are urging citizens to call 9-1-1 if they spot the big snake."

Trust me, if I saw any big snake, I would not have to be urged to call 9-1-1....I also would not need a phone to make the call. My shrieking would be heard for miles around.

No force in the universe is strong enough to affect the Cher Farewell Tour.

In other news, Cher is recovering after mistakenly swallowing a 8-foot-long snake, semi-disgested heating pad and all, left in her dressing room by mistake.

". . .officials are urging citizens to call 9-1-1 if they spot the big snake."

Trust me, if I saw any big snake, urging would not be necessary. I also would not need a phone to make the call as I'm sure the authorities would be able to hear my shrieking.

If the snake had swallowed some of the other things in Alice Cooper's dressing room it wouldn't be in recovery. It would be in rehab.

Of course, when Cher finally completes her Farewell Tour, she'll begin her "Farewell to the 'Farewell Tour' Tour".


When treating a rocker's bursitis, I'm sure
A hot pad is good for the joints that are sore.
But conditions emergent
Beset the old serpent.
Now poor Alice don't live here no more.

and then, people everywhere would start their own tour: go away already!

I'm with you, Polly. Meanwhile, in that same town, little Timmy dies of an infection because his parents couldn't afford medicine. But at least Alice Cooper's snake, clearly stupid even for a snake, got $1000 surgery.

Why would anyone even KNOW how to operate on a snake?

What's next? Alice Cooper rushed Ernesto, his pet hissing cockroach, into emergency surgery yesterday when it accidentally consumed some cocaine that SOMEBODY ELSE must have left there. After the 6 hour, $130,000 surgery was completed, Cooper decided to leave Ernesto in the cockroach zoo in semi-retirement, though he may call on him to appear in future shows.

How do you "accidentally" leave a heating pad in a snake cage? Was he heating up the python for some reason unknown to sense or medical science?

This woman was an "at-risk snake helper" who directed them to the vet who operated? What does that mean? She gets called in when the social worker thinks Alice has been mistreating the snake by leaving heating pads in its cage?

That's a more ridiculous job than this one or even this one.

"Sloan, director and owner of Ashleigh's Rain Forest in Essex, allowed Cooper to borrow a yellow anaconda for Saturday's show to replace the python"

What, Rent-to-Own was out of giant snakes?

Guys, the heating pad was probably for the snake. A lot of reptiles need it nice and warm in their terrariums because they're used to warm climates. They like to bask on them. Now, granted, I've never heard of a snake EATING one, but I guess it wanted that warm feeling in its belly.

isn't anybody else dying to see that x-ray?

I would LOVE to see that x-ray! I'm betting it turns up on eBay in the near future.

Well judi, the snake WAS dying to see that x-ray, but then the surgery worked out.

Another classic story- the cows are not safe in Idaho:

Cattle killings have ranchers outraged

Key quote:"It's pretty sick, I think," she said. "What macho thrill can they get from shooting an innocent cow?"

I know, it's not snakes, but that key quote is great.

Yes, you can get a much better thrill from shooting a guilty cow. And you don't have to worry about the social stigma.

I thought guilty cows were branded with scarlet letters.

Lily - ha ha ha!

Excellent, Peri!

Innocence or guilt doesn't seem to work out well for cows in any event, eh? After all, "innocent" cows get to have a blunt instrument pistoned into their brains...

Innocent Cow mbagnfarb

Peri, I wish you hadn't shared that x-ray. It's hard to touch type with one hand.

Blogchik, yeah, and Dead Bloated Cattle wbagnfarb.

"isn't anybody else dying to see that x-ray?"

I am. It was the first thing I thought when I read the article. That'd rock.

Personally, I'd have rather seen Nicole Constantino's fat collection, but that's just me.

Just for all us wincing guys out there - that broken bone in the x-ray is an overlay; ain't no bones in the boner.

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