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August 13, 2004


Oh, this is just swell. I turn on the TV (they have TV here in Greece) and I see there are TWO hurricanes whomping Florida. I may have no home to go home to. I may have to stay here and become a Greek citizen. This would not be a huge adjustment: More people speak English here than in Miami, and they drive the same way.


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Don't worry Dave, they'll cancel each other out. On the cow topic, though, boy cow or girl cow, somebody let me know

Is Michelle at home buying bleach and nailing plywood over your windows, or is she in Greece with you?

Don’t worry Dave. Hurricane Tipiyokti turned in to Tropical Storm Tipiyokti . She huffed and puffed but only blew a few houses down. All the breweries survived.

But Hurricane Chuckles will hit today (Official Motto: A little wind, a little rain, a little seltzer down your pants) although he bypassed Miami due to problems at the airport and the fact that Ricky Williams isn’t playing for the Dolphins anymore.
Those of us in the “Real Florida” (where we wave as tourists drive past instead of shooting as tourists drive past) are ready. Sandbags, chainsaws, generators and bottled margarita mix. And we printed out copies of your hurricane survival guide just in case. But of course in a hurricane the toilet won’t work so we have to put used survival guides in the trashcan next to it.

Mahatma Kane Jeeves,

Oh, that's a boy cow. I mean, a MAN cow. I know because I have nine smaller stuffed bulls (they represent famous bulls from the Professional Bull Riders group) and they are... "blessed" also. You can imagine my surprise when I first picked one up and turned it over. So I bought more of them!

I want that one now.

And Dave, just because it's Friday the 13th and there are two hurricanes heading to your home is no reason you should be concerned. Wait a minute, yes it is!

I do hope Dave remembered to leave someone at home to throw his, and possibly some of his neighbors, lawn furniture into his pool.

Dave will be home. Greece is known for wine, but definitely not for beer. And how much Ouzo can you drink? (not that you should try to find out)

There's really a Florida?I thought Dave was just making all that stuff up!Well I'll be tipiyotki'd!

MKJ - The description of the ebay item says that underneath equipment is "udders" but I think they must have flunked biology. Looks to me more like the wedding tackle sported by the bull on the old Bull Durham barn signs (slogan: "Her hero")

Don't worry Dave! Hurricanes are just nature's way of saying "I curse you to the tenth generation and I don't particularly care for your stuff!"

Well, ok, worry some. But don't let it get in the way of blogging.

Charley or ouzo
Olympic pathos or wind
Shaken, please. Not stirred.

Dave: if you are in Greece, could you get me an autographed naked photo of Olivia FigNewton-John? Thanks.

Dave - you'll have to have your service monkey check on this but - I'm pretty sure Shaq's hillion jillion dollar contract includes a clause where he has to pre-approve all weather in Florida.

Might be worth a phone call.

hurricanes are just g-d's way of saying: Oh, so you dont like snow storms, eh? HAAA. hope you kinda live a little inland, tho. tough getting all those old folks out of harm's way, especially considering how they drive.

dave, don't worry about your wife - she is with me, and she is fine.

man, IS she fine.

When you come back you could always bring the family a thoughtful gift


My Greek name is Artheul. Thanks a lot.

Don't worry. You can always move to Seattle. Where the people are nice, The coffee is great and we have more Micro Brews than starbucks.

BTW 22nd

Polly -

Just wander out into the desert at random. Don Juan and the peyote spirit will guide you. Don't bother to take a hat or any water. Eat any desert plant you see that looks like a little stone.

(Advice given free - good advice costs extra)

Near Rio Grande City in the scrub land
eat it raw, drool uncontrollably
go easy on the mescal/tequila
say hi to the spirit guide (love bunny) for me

Polly: Don't do it. Just open any daily newspaper today and you'll be hallucinating in no time.


just come to austin.

the liberals here will make your head spin faster than any plant will.

Hey Richard, you're not the same Richard as in "Richard and Justin are you? Just thought I would ask.

OMG Polly I had a dream that I ate a peyote button!

That is so WEIRD!! How was it? Did you see Blog?

*Polly sits on a boulder in the middle of the desert to check the Blog...she takes a swig of moatarita...still no luck on the peyote front.*

Sinkaepg of Gerek, you plaborby have adllaery seen tihs but if not here geos:

Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
In waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
But the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

It took me awhile to figure out the word, phenomenal, but otherwise, that was cool.

Huh. I read it as "paranormal."

Athens is now up to there with those games
Where they're striving for luck and for fame
But if you drop that ole' discus
You may hurt your meniscus,
Aching and shaking in pain.

...Even if you did spell 'reading' without the 'a' ;)

I tihnk I can pblorbay ceovny my tugthohs bteetr tihs way tahn I can in hikau or lrmceiik.


lol peter!

Tipiyokti everyone!

So yesterday I was a little under the weather and spent the day sitting on the tipiyokti. I think it was the tipiyokti I ate the night before.

Now I'm stuck at work and my boss just assigned me a major tipiyokti that I have to finish before the end of the day. So much for getting out of work early. I was planning on making it out onto the course to work on my tipiyokti.

And after all that, my wife called me to let me know her parents are coming into town and are going to spend a whole tipiyokti staying at my house!

Isn't today Friday the 13th? Maybe I could blame it on the tiptyokti?


What is it with you Floridians and throwing your lawn furniture into the pool? Some online chick I know from Tampa was just saying "Oh, I've got to run now and throw my lawn furniture into the pool" -- don't y'all have garages? What if you have no pool? Just wondering.

Dave, just so you don't feel like you're missing anything, why don't you rush to the nearest retail outlet and buy batteries, milk and toilet paper?

I heard that Charley was going to head out to sea, but the gravitational attraction due to the mass of Shaq's large derrierre pulled it back inland.

Polly- are you hallucinating yet? If so, am I there? If not, can I be?

(Polly sent me a pic of Polly last week and.. boy HOWDY!)

Once spent like 6 weeks at a KOA cabin in South Carolina. One rainy, windy day I walked through the loblollys and saw the young clerk at the store throwing things into the pool. I thought he was mad at the boss. "No, hurricane's coming" he explained. Well, THANKS for telling those in the tiny cabins, tents, and RVs living among the trees! I had to ask a dozen people before I was convinced it was "normal" to do that.

You should move up North to New York City, Dave. We have just as many guns and bad drivers as Miami, but with the bonus of inflated prices, taxes and the worst Mayor ever in the history of the USA. Plus, you won't have to deal with lizards and other exotic wildlife anymore. Just sewer rats the size of Rush Limbaugh's pill bottles.

BWAAAHHAA tony! dave is from Armonk, westchester co, and he fled south! waaay south -- dave you could have come up here to the lovely state capital, where politics is a blood sport and people come out in 3 feet of snow just to buy a newspaper.... no, not tooo bad out there! and we have no bugs. well, couple skeeters. just west nile actually. and in fact, a mayor who makes bloomberg look like well, uh, any other mayor anywhere else. i agree on that one! but no rats, and lots and lots and lots of bars and malls. there's plenty to do if you dont mind 6 months of winter. people up here know how to drive, too. interested? come home to new york dave!


Hey Boo,
Sorry I am just Richard who gets funny stares on Airplanes from laughing so loud from reading various Dave Barry books.

lori, or a spell to call the great old ones to earth.

Don Juan and the Peyote Spirits WBAGNFARB.

Considering the THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID we should be able to teach kids to read regular English by the time they graduate from High School. Sooo... how come we can't?


If it's any consolation to you, it's kinda overcast and wants to be drizzly here in SoCal this morning. We feel Florida's pain.


I believe it is because we can no longer apply the "board of education" directly to the "seat of learning".

But that is just me

Lliy: msot of the kdis who grtduaae form Hgih Sohcol in tihs aera, can raed oaky, tehy mihgt bcemoe dslxyeic if they raed sftuf lkie tihs tuhgoh . . .

Brad - What exactly is a 'SoCal'? Is it low-carb?

markhh: It's usually better to bring 'board of education' directly to the 'head of the school'.

I think Dave should move to L.A. It's quite similar to Miami in that it's sunny, crime-infested, and full of bad drivers. And there's none of that pesky snow to worry about, which is, I imagine, why you left NY or Pennsylvania or wherever it is you used to be.

Ha, diagram THAT sentence, Mr. Language Person!

It’s aiaznmg how lboruaois it is to jlmube up ltrtees lkie tihs. I wdoenr how wlel tihs wroks in oehtr luanagges?

Dave, I wouldn't worry too much about Hurricanes until they decide to name one "Barry". Either way you look at that, it's probably not good.

On another hurricane note, the temperature here in TN has dropped twenty degrees because of all those green blobs in Florida. Hrmph.

There was a "Hurricane Barry" in 2001.

if we get up to 15 this year, we will have a "Hurricane Otto" (as in "my name is Otto and I like to get blotto")

The hurricanes and bugs are exactly why I moved from Florida to Seattle. And why I now live on a hill. No storm surge.

Well we are having beautiful weather here in SD, today. Unlike the rest of the week, which was cold.

Thanks to the cold weather, many of the bikers have left Sturgis. Thank Goodness. And now we can get back to using our roads and eating in our own restaurants.

So waht’s the dael, we’re spsoepud to witre smeintohg lkie trehe hnedurd comentms on one or two mlasey ticops per day now?

Ninhogo ga jojou ni nramiashtia ne.

Nah, deosn't wrok in Jnapesse.

AlterEgo: After much consideration of the subject matter, I can say: Yes. Yes it was.

Don't worry, Dave - hurricanes are a code violation in Coral Gables. Your home is safe.

AegrlEto: Not olny nesarescy, asuoltleby mdanraoty! (oaky, I’ll sotp now …)

ggggggreat!! joshkr!!

Love that flick.

I actually say that peyote induced line often.

I can just picture Polly standing there, stretching and then outta nowhere projecting vomit out into the open desert.


Mahatma, my significant other uses "sotp" as shorthand for "sit on the pooper." Have fun!

Another reference to the same movie.

You go Joshkr.

Butt, this is not necessarily the news.

And that was not a haiku.


Exactly, Mr. Fisher!

Everybody’s got a hungry butt
Everybody’s got a hungry butt
Pull out that swimsuit and you suck in your gut
Everybody’s got a hungry butt

(with apologies to Bruce)



But to NOT SOThsP
(gross out warning)

I hope they check the cat's butt for explosives.

LOL, Leetie, on multiple counts... I thought SOTP might stand for 'S#^t, Out of Toilet Paper'.

Grblaed wdors do not alayws mkae good aganamrs.

Hurricane update. Charley is now Category 4. So the Tampons down in Tampa are going to get wet. Up here in Jacksonville we値l just get a good blow-job tonight. There is something to be said for sloppy seconds.

Nothing happening here yet so no cause for a hurricane party. We値l just have to start the party without Charley. On a more sober note, not even a spark from the emergency generator when I tried to test it. The only owner痴 manual I can find just says to pull the tipiyokti but remember to check the tipiyokti first. Dave I need your help! Maybe I should just pour bleach in the tipiyokti and be done with it. Or just pour a margarita in me and be done with it. But the blender won稚 run without electricity and looks like we might be drinking in the dark after dark. We値l have to switch from margaritas to tipiyokti when that happens.

So throw the generator and the blender in the pool and mix the tequila with the bleach.

slowlayne- my 14 y/o goddaughter & her Mom are in Winter Springs, near orlando.. any idea how that area is doing? I haven't heard from them since early this morning.

worried in sunny socal :-(

And play bleach blender bingo?

Dave (nB..cd). They should be ok. Winter Springs is pretty far inland. Lots of rain and wind but it's the storm surge that's going to hurt the west coast. Of course we had a tornado last night and we were 200 miles from where Bonnie came ashore. Still, unless you're in a mobile home Florida tornadoes are not the town-eating ones of the midwest.

In spite of the warnings, Aunt Edna says: "You can do what you like, I'm not leaving this porch!"

A fish-- no, sadly, a SoCal is not low carb. Let me put it this way... I love going to dog beach at Huntington Beach for two reasons (in order of importance): (1) Being there makes me feel thin, and (2) I prefer that my dog crap on the beach than on my new tile. Back to point (1)... Last night, took him there and there was this big dude out about nipple deep (if his nipples were in the right place, in actuality he was about 6 inches short ofneck deep) in the water, You know how fires cause their own weather? You know, the heat and smoke causes downdrafts which make those planes which the Wright brothers built crash while dropping fire retardant... OK, this guy was out nipple deep and was rerouting the surf. A fun game to play there is "fat guy or pregnant woman?". You see someone off the distance and you have to guess whether it's a fat guy or a pregnant woman. It's especially difficult around sunset if you pretend that there really might be a lot of pregnant women at the beach. Well, this guy was way too big to be a pregnant woman.


I have just seen a few images from the opening ceremonies in Athens. There are some quasi-exposed and fully-exposed hee-hee's and who-ha's. Don't now how NBC plans to broadcast that.

Thanks Slowlayne and D'Artagnan for the reassurance.

BRAD- I'm in Huntington Beach. Huh. Small world :-) Yeah, some people shouldn't be allowed on the beach or in the surf. Sounds like that guy wouldn't be able to get out of the way fast enough when one of those ninja surfers comes ripping in on a big one.

D(nB..cd) - from the sounds of it, it is the ninja surfer who should be concerned about the collision

I shall be commentator #101! Ha ha!

Will someone please tell me what the heck all this talk about a 'tipiyokti' is about? I feel like my tipiyokti is about to explode.

Wow, small world indeed DaveNB!! I just want to take the opportunity here to remind everyone that despite Florida having its worst double whammee tornado since Pat Riley started putting hair in his grease, New Jersey has a gay governor.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure OUR Guv isn't gay, huh Brad? At lease I wouldn't say it to his face, since I'm just a little "girly man".

Check out the Tipiyotki's on her. She looks pretty good for 4,000 years.

Let me also take this opportunity to remind everyone that despite Amber Frye being seduced by a guy from Fresno pretending to be at the Eiffel Tower at sunset (I hope he got the time zone right), New Jersey has a gay governor.

Note to Al Queda... terrorism is out for at least 3 weeks until we get over New Jersey's gay governor. It's just not an "if you blow it up, they will come" environment here until September at the earliest.

Boo Augustus –you are a small engine repair genius!

I tossed the generator in the pool with the blender, tequila and a shot of bleach and she fired right up. Of course I electrocuted the patio furniture that had been tossed in earlier. Actually it was a simple as turning the tipiyokti – which has been translated to mean “fuel valve.”

BTW… the generator is not really for the blender, we switched to vodka hours ago. But I have the only $%&$$# house in Florida with a real basement and we have to keep three sump pumps running or we suddenly get an indoor swimming pool. Which is nice but it messes up the toys in the dungeon…err…playroom.


I'm sort of reading between the lines, so I might be wrong.
But are you trying to say that New Jersey has a gay governor?

Sorry if I misunderstood.

Uncle Fred:

You spread
the thread
whack your head.

TINAH (That is not a Haiku)

Ooh, slowlayne, you have a dungeon? I'm intrigued.

Our governor was straight but crooked.
Good ol' Connecticut. Oh, he's gone now. buh-bye, gov!

Not only is New Joisey's governor gay, he raped his lover.

Not that there's anything wrong with that... oh wait, there is.

What's with all these Northeast Governors anyway?
I'm pretty sure Pataki is too boring to be gay and probably too dull to be a crook. But queensbee can straighten us out (so to speak) on that one.

who would want the name "bangi"?

Who wouldn't?

Explanation please, in several postings, I've seen references to "MOAT", "reMOAT" and "moatarita". What does that refer to?

Speaking of weather, wasn't Bangladesh flooded pretty recently, Bangi? How are you?

Joshkr, thanks much....now I'm thirsty.

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