TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the heartless bastards are using snails.
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July 23, 2004
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Go, Mister (West African) Snail!
Posted by: lurker | July 23, 2004 at 04:59 AM
"Being slimed by one of the snails can cause meningitis or encephalitis."
Ewwww.
And does anyone else think of Ghostbusters when they read that sentence?
Posted by: Rachel | July 23, 2004 at 05:01 AM
Yep, we've got'em in Ohio. How else do you explain Dennis Kucinich?
Posted by: mudstuffin | July 23, 2004 at 05:09 AM
Rachel - ABSOLUTELY - the first thing through my head was "He slimed me, Ray..."
Although that'd take a LOT of snails to get that level of slime going...
Posted by: Higgy | July 23, 2004 at 05:18 AM
And in recent news,
Iraqi insurgents announced today that they will be withdrawing from the area, following weeks of heightened violence during Operation Snail and Awe.
"We can't compete," said Abdul al-Smackalacka al-Hussein al-Whippitysnippity. "The American infidels have resorted to chemical/biological warfare. I could get meningitis for Allah's sake!"
Utilizing new technology like the ICBS (InterContinental Ballistic Snail, codenamed 'Snail Mail') and guerilla slime tactics, the allied forces are happy to be out of what they call "a sticky situation."
-AP
Posted by: the federal duck | July 23, 2004 at 05:34 AM
Exactly how fast can these snails travel? They are pretty big so you would see it coming. Is it not possible to evade a sliming? And how did these West African snails arrive in Ohio? Is there a direct flight?
Posted by: Peri | July 23, 2004 at 05:47 AM
Well I don't know why I came to Kentucky
I got the feelin' that I may be unlucky.
In Ohio they got African snails!
West Virginias got 'em, big as a whale!
[CHORUS]
Snails to the left of me
Snails to the right
Here I am - Slimed in the middle by you
Yes I'm - slimed in the middle by you
Meningitis is a cause for concern
Encephalitis, got a fever that burns
It's so hard to keep this smile on my face
With those snails slimin' all over the place
[CHORUS]
Well it started off like nothin'
Just some slime that stuck to my sole.
Then I spied the source that caused it
This big snail that's causin' my disease
My disease ...
Tried to make some sense of it all
But I can see that it makes no sense at all.
Lawrence County has posted alerts
I'm in pain here, cuz this slime really hurts!
[CHORUS]
Posted by: MOTW | July 23, 2004 at 05:58 AM
Lily
Please give us a MP-like conversational exchange that you do so well. It's Friday!
Posted by: MOTW | July 23, 2004 at 06:01 AM
MOTW that was wonderful!
Posted by: Peri | July 23, 2004 at 06:15 AM
MOTW-too funny! I actually have to play that song
tonight,I'll be cracking up even more than usual!I'll try to sneak in some of your lyrics,with your permission,of course..No one will notice,because they will all be tanked anyhow.
Posted by: Sean | July 23, 2004 at 06:25 AM
Go ahead, Sean.
(It's not easy to incorporate words like "encephalitis" and "meningitis" into lyrics.)
Posted by: MOTW | July 23, 2004 at 06:29 AM
"Actually, none of the snails have been seen in Lawrence County, but a health department spokesman says they've been confirmed in Ohio and West Virginia, so the advisory was issued."
So, if they're currently in Ohio and W. Virginia, it'll be what...10-12 years before one inches its way to Lexington, right?
Posted by: mbgordon81 | July 23, 2004 at 06:30 AM
You're pseudopod,completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the slime of love is in your eye stalks
But will U love me tomorrow?
Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure
Can I believe the magic of your size
And will you love me tomorrow?
Posted by: mudstuffin | July 23, 2004 at 07:00 AM
Okay, because it's Friday and because MOTW asked so nicely....
*Castle guard* "Where'd you get them coconuts?"
*King Arthur*"Coconuts? What coconuts?"
*Castle guard*"Them coconuts." *points* "The ones your man 'as, there."
*King Arthur* Looks around behind him*"Oh. Oh, THOSE coconuts."
*Castle guard*"Yes, coconuts aren't na'ive to England. Where'd you get 'em?"
*King Arthur* *Well, Charing Cross, actually...ahmmm." *Looks up to see if guard is buying any of this.*
*Castle guard* "Charing Cross is in England, 'ow'd them coconuts get there?"
*King Arthur* "They migrated."
*Castle guard* "Migrated!? Coconuts don't migrate. What'd they do drop in th' water an' float to England? How'd they get to Charing Cross, then?"
*King Arthur* "Snail, the snails brought them."
*Castle guard* "Snails!?!? 'ows a snail gunna carry a coconut? They don't have 'ands."
*2nd guard* "No wai' a minute. A English Snail don' migrate but, if 'e's a African Snail, 'e cud do it. Them African Snails er big. 'E cud grip it wi' 'is foot."
*Castle guard* "It'd take 'im a thousand years t' get t' England, three thousand to get t' Kentucky."
*2nd guard* "Not them African Snails. Them's crafty lil' buggers. See they waits fer a 'orse t' cum by and they slime 'em. Then while th' 'orse is in th' throws 'o encephalitis, 'an under 'is power, 'e swims 'im t' England.
*Castle guard* "Wit' th' coconut?"
*2nd guard* "'O course wit' th' coconut. Why else would a African Snail cum to England, if i' wasn't t' bring coconuts?"
*Castle guard* "Oh, right, then. *To King Arthur* "You may pass."
*King Arthur*"Thank you, my good man."
Not NEARLY as good as the song lyrics.
But there you go, such as it is.
Posted by: Lily | July 23, 2004 at 08:01 AM
Lily, you are amazing. I am awestruck.
Posted by: Peri | July 23, 2004 at 08:06 AM
Bravo, Lily! Thanks for making our day bright!
Posted by: MOTW | July 23, 2004 at 08:08 AM
MOTW and Lily, you are the poet laureates of the blog. Many bows and scapes. Many kudos. And maybe even a twinky....oops, got carried away, nevermind....carry on.
Posted by: echo | July 23, 2004 at 08:13 AM
Bravo, Lily et al, true masters.
But i have to ask, is the real line of Will U Love Me Tomorrow REALLY:
Can I believe the magic of your size???
I never thought of it that way before, but, yikes. If it's snails we're talkin about hten sher, but in the actual song, yikes.
And,
Sliming Encephalitic Snails of Satan wbagnfarb.
Posted by: igwanna | July 23, 2004 at 08:24 AM
igwanna: it's "magic of your sighs" - I assume the lyric was written specifically to make people think it was "size".
Posted by: mudstuffin | July 23, 2004 at 09:12 AM
Oh, I thought it was magic of your EYES.
Posted by: Lily | July 23, 2004 at 09:34 AM
I'll give you meningitis up and down your spine
You'll be ok if you don't touch my slime
See my white shell coming to you in the night You're only young but you're gonna die
I won't take no prisoners,won't spare no lives
Nobody'll have me in their sights
I got my shell,I'm gonna take you to hell
I'm gonna get you,slime all on you
Snail's Bells
Yeah Snail's Bells
You got me crawlin' Snail's Bells
Your temperature's high, Snail's Bells
Posted by: thiggypop000 | July 23, 2004 at 10:06 AM
*adds a few specemins of African snails to the jars in the lab*
Excellent....
Posted by: MadScientist | July 23, 2004 at 10:17 AM
You know how to solve a snail problem?
Bring in 2 dozen hungry Frenchmen, 20 pounds of unsalted butter, and a bushel of garlic. The snails wouldn't stand a chance.
Na, forget it 4 inch encephalitis-carrying snails are less revolting than 24 Frenchmen.
On a lighter note,
Why did the West African Snail have the letter "S" painted on his new Corvette?
So that when he sped by, everyone would say, "Look at that S car Go!".
Posted by: teej | July 23, 2004 at 10:21 AM
fabulous lily and motw. i have nothing cleverer to add. my sides hurt from laughing. applause! i gotta go melt some butter.
Posted by: queensbee | July 23, 2004 at 10:42 AM
SALT!
CAR!
... and boogers.
Snail's worst enemies.....
Posted by: kibby F5 | July 23, 2004 at 11:20 AM