Dave Barry's Blog

FLORIDA DRIVER UPDATE

I was driving down to Homestead this morning for some business, and was coming up a two lane road on a car that had it's hazard flashers on and was going maybe 15-20 mph. So of course I'm thinking, this person's having car issues, just be careful as I go by. As I pull along side this person, I realize that the woman driving was not using her flashers to notify other drivers of car problems, but in fact was using them to make sure drivers knew she was applying her makeup and mascara with both hands and her flip down mirror in a commercial area.

Too bad she already has a Florida driver's license.

Andrew Smith

NOTE: To forestall any insinuations to the contrary, the stealth bloggerette was busy dodging the people reading on I-95.

DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT TO NORWAY THE NETHERLANDS?

We understand.

(Thanks to Lane Closure)

NOTE: We realize this makes no sense, now, but then again, did it ever? We're blogging. Blogging like the wind!

CAN'T MAKE IT TO NORWAY?

This might work out for you.

(Thanks to Chris Kern)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

Not to mention a great honor for the Doody family.

(Thanks to Jim Dunn)

MORE CONVENTION NEWS

We expect a full report.

(Thanks to Layla Bohm and Josh Krigbaum)

VACATION DESTINATION

Norway.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG

...to bring you an important news bulletin from the Convention.

We'd also like to do our corporeal corpulent corporate duty and tell you that these bloggers are actually blogging from the Convention:

Adam Smeltz -- On assignment for Knight Ridder's Washington Bureau, 22-year-old Smeltz will report on trends in youth voting during the election campaign both in print and through a blog. He debuts with a "Life of the Parties" blog he's writing from Boston at the convention. Observing that only 42 percent of those between the ages of 18 and 24 voted in the 2000 presidential election, "P. Diddy, Ben Affleck and other big names pushing for an historic turnout of young voters have a serious task ahead of them."
http://asmeltz.blogspot.com

Daniel Rubin -- A staff writer for the Philadelphia Inquirer, he will blog on life outside the perimeter of the convention. Beantown is his home town, so Rubin will be out scouring the streets to "see how well the DNC set-designers have hidden people like Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky and Michael Dukakis."
http://drubin.blogspot.com/

Michael Klein -- A Philadelphia Inquirer columnist who covers people, places and things, he will be doing just that at the convention. Klein notes: "I'm not as interested in the raw politics as I am in what and who surround it. Celebs and politics do mix, and they will do just that in Boston from Saturday through Thursday."
http://michael_klein.blogspot.com/

In addition to these viewpoints, two Knight Ridder newspaper reporters will be bringing the hometown angle back to their readers through their blogs.

Alan Bjerga: Washington correspondent for the Wichita Eagle, he will blog to inform voters, entertain readers and "link to relevant information, which is going to have heavy Sunflower emphasis (and isn't it ABOUT TIME someone did that? Hoo-ha for Kansas) ... to make this a must-read for the Kansas-connected."
http://bjerga.blogspot.com/

Tom Webb: Washington correspondent for the St. Paul Pioneer Press, his eyes will be "peeled for All Things Minnesotan, including the 91 Minnesota delegates and alternates hoping to promote the Democratic message, assorted protesters, a couple of Minnesota Republicans hoping to undermine the Democrats message, corporate sponsors, political donors and various others." Think of his blog as a Webb log.
http://twebb.blogspot.com/

URGENT CONVENTION UPDATE

The Red Sox beat the New York Yankers.

WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF DROOLING?

Whining? Moaning? Tossing wads of money into trash cans?
Whatever it may be, Miami's doing it.

CONVENTION UPDATE

I have arrived in Boston, and the security is SERIOUS. There are police officers, dogs, army guys, helicopters... and that's just in my hotel room But as a trained journalism professional, I intend to overcome these obstacles and write daily reports for the Miami Registration Required Herald. Also, if any actual major news breaks out, I will... well, I imagine I will probably leave.

UPDATE

I'm back from Idahhhhhhho, and now, on the theory that there is nothing more fun in this world than being repeatedly frisked at security checkpoints, I'm heading for Boston. Starting Monday the Miami Herald will be briefly interrupting its coverage of Shaquille O'Neal to carry my reports on the Democratic convention, as well as stories written by real journalists actually trying to be accurate.

SNAKE UPDATE

The situation continues to deteriorate.

GARFIELD DID WHAT??

Here's why he is often referred to as "the Nelson Rockefeller of cartoon cats."

Key Quote: "It is Garfield's paw, people should not read anymore into it. Garfield is a cartoon cat that doesn't have fingers but paws."

Key Name That We Are Not Making Up: "Tiffany Glad"

(Thanks to Gary Calpo)

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

Moo.

(Thanks to Derek Breid)

IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN

The fish are fighting back.

(Thanks to Octavia Sawyer)

INVESTORS: LOOKING FOR A GREAT FAST-FOOD FRANCHISE CONCEPT?

Consider: SaniTaco.

LET'S GET THIS COUNTRY BACK ON THE HIGH ROAD

Here's the ticket.

Actual Motto: "Two Heads are Better Than One"

(Thanks to Ilene Waterstone)

TOASTER COLLECTORS: STUPID? OR INSANE?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN

Potty Rage

(Thanks to Amy Tan)

Update: We have been advised by alert commenters that this item was already blogged. Apparently this means we will have to start actually reading the blog. Dang.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the heartless bastards are using snails.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT

There's a crime wave in Ft. Lauderdale.

ADDENDUM TO MILITARY SCIENTISTS' REMINDER

And this doesn't make up for it.

(Thanks to Lord G.)

REMINDER TO US MILITARY SCIENTISTS

An army travels on its stomach. Don't do this.

(Thanks to everyone)

ROCK BOTTOM REMAINDERS APPAREL

Coming soon. (Please select left or right side for Remainders logo)

(Thanks to jennifer camille)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using killer phone numbers.

(Thanks to Ryan Adamson)

WHEN STRAW DISPENSERS ARE OUTLAWED

Only outlaws will be allowed to go to the bathroom.

(Thanks to a bunch o' youse. You wanna make something of it?)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

For the record, the stealth bloggerette has not wasted inordinate amounts of time on this game, sir. The frustration expressed is the perceived frustration on the part of players yet to play it, sir. And we are not anxious to punish the person who sent it to us, one Yuval Shabo. No, sir. That would be pointless. JUST LIKE THIS *($&)(*&)($ GAME. Sir.

GEEZ. WE GO AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS...

...and the Bloggerette completely misses a major urgent Algona breaking news flash.

Key Quote: Most people have been using the Diamond. They like the tri-foam...they'll spend the extra money."

CRIME OF THE WEEK

This blog wants to contribute to the defense fund for these guys.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

AIRLINE SAFETY

Let's be careful up there.

(Thanks to many alert readers)

DON'T LET GO

"Shamelessly ripped off from holdthebutton.com."

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

PETER IS NOT ALONE

Or is it Tink?

(Thanks to Chris Kern)

SUMMERTIME

...and the blogging is easy.

CRIME WAVE

Be on the lookout for someone trying to fence some stolen rocks.

(Thanks to Julie Davis and George Viconovic)

SUMMER RE-RUNS

Here's one of my favorites, resubmitted by Kellii Dubé.

SORRY, LADIES

Almost forgot.

We may not know what they're saying, but do we care?

A READER RESPONDS

This bloggerette received the following letter:

Dave --

I read your latest column regarding shopping with amusement and a hearty, manly grunt, grunt! As usual you are always right on such matters.

However I must issue a word of caution. I found myself one time, speaking with a woman on the same subject. As required by the Guy Code I described my point-and-shoot methodology for shopping but later on in the conversation I fell into a trap. I said I could spend hours in "House of Tools" (an actual tool store chain here in western Canada) looking at the tools and imagining what I could build with them. She asked what was different about her looking at clothes and me looking at tools, and without a good answer, my credibility was shot.

Men around the world, watch out for this trap!

Gerry van Dyk Registered Engineering Technologist
Senior Engineer - Drilling Tools
National Oilwell - Downhole Tools

This bloggerette received this reply from The Blog:

That doesn't count! Tools are different!

This bloggerette would laugh and make a comment about a river in Egypt, but likes her job, and therefore will only say: "Downhole Tools"?

THE RULES: HERE WE GO AGAIN

OK, this would solve the problem, but ... is it worth it?

(Thanks to Cristy Wade)

MONTY PYTHON GOES TO ST. LOUIS

"We're not dead yet!"

(Thanks to G. Hooker)

HEY, MONN

Don't bogart those nachos.

(Thanks to "sct72")

ATTENTION, GUY-MART SHOPPERS

Here you go.

EDIT: WHOOPS!
That wasn't supposed to be posted yet. The stealth bloggerette apologizes for any inconvenience, and promises to repost the link when she is told to. The stealth bloggerette is most obedient. Please do not repost the link in the comments section, or the stealth bloggerette may be in Big Trouble. Thank you.

EDIT: OK, the stealth bloggerette is now obediently putting the link back in, because it turns out it was ok to blog it.

MORE NEWS FROM FLORIDA

Is this unusual? It's hard to tell, any more.

(Thanks to 8 trillion alert emailers)

UNFORTUNATE MARKETING ERROR OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Ken Burchill)

ATTENTION, FLORIDA TOURISTS

Here's an activity we bet they don't have in Indianapolis: Extreme Hanging Around.

(Thanks to Bob Phillips)

PETER PAN UPDATE

Momentarily, on Conan (eastern time).

THE PEOPLE SPEAK OUT

Democracy in action.

(Thanks to Bangi-Bat-Gurl for first link. The warning is for the second link.)

SUPPORT THE ARTS

Give generously.

(Thanks to Garrett Wheeler)

THE BOBO SAGA

We assume most of you have heard this tragic story, because it's just the kind of piece that makes it to every local TV news program in the nation, for no discernible reason other than that it has interesting visuals. You may have thought it was a strange story. You may have noted the fact that Bobo's owner once played Tarzan, or decided that the huge public outcry was odd. But somehow, Florida always manages to take a story one step further.

(Thanks to Anne Morton August)

HUH, PART DEUX

Golf for those who prefer their golf without any movement whatsoever.

(Thanks again to Christine LoRusso.)

ATTENTION, GUYS

Your worst nightmare is reportedly "sweeping New York."

(Thanks to Christine LoRusso. The stealth bloggerette agrees with Christine's assessment of this phenomon: "Huh.")