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July 16, 2004

HUH, PART DEUX

Golf for those who prefer their golf without any movement whatsoever.

(Thanks again to Christine LoRusso.)

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"Price: $795.00"

No thanks, I'll just hire someone to play for me. Costs the same, and I'll get the same exercise anyways.

Or you could hire someone to squeeze the trigger for you, too. Tape someone doing so and watch it from the comfort of your own couch!

"Drives a ball 25 to 200 yards without swinging"

Great now men don't have to work at all....

What will the think of next, but still no cure for me!!!!!!!

just when you thought power carts had removed ALL of the exercise benefits from golf...

Finally, they found a way to make watching golf on TV even more boring.

Do they make an automatic free throw shooter yet?

although if you were to load it up with something really cool like lunchmeat, well then!

better than sleeping pills.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Now everyone can enjoy the fresh air, fun and exercise of an outing on the golf course!"

Except there is no exercise left.

I'm with queensbee on this one.

golf=snores

My problem is, I have a great drive, I just can't put. Now, if someone makes the Bionic Putter from Caddyshack, I might be interested.

Say fellas, you don't mind if I use my "Swingless Golf System" today, do ya?

No - go right ahead!

Swell. Say, we're having a cuddle party later....

Will this type of golf be televised?

Golf = snores UNLESS!

Word count 685

The Augusta National 500

By Carson Cockman

I live in Mooresville, North Carolina. Mooresville has grown up some from a sleepy mill town to a major center of NASCAR racing. I can hear the motor dynamometer through the woods across the creek. 50% of the racing teams have their shops within 2 miles of my house. It is fun to try to get across Interstate 77 during a race weekend at Charlotte. The cars are backed up for two miles. NASCAR fans are nothing if they are not rabid. They remind me of Golf fans without the plaid knickers and wingtips.

It got me thinking. We have some pretty good golf courses around here. The golf crowd could take a few lessons in marketing and procedure from the Good Old Boys of racing.

For example, The PGA could hold a series of golf cart races during the tourneys. They’d get numbers painted on the sides of the carts and sponsorship dollars rolling in and next thing you know, Tiger would be putting B. J. into the water hazard on the back nine.

Caddies could compete in pit stop contests and qualifying would take on a whole new dimension. (“That looks like the fastest lap around the putting green...107 miles per hour! That COULD be a new course record!")

Ned Jarrett just might be persuaded to call the action.

“(Whispering) Welcome to y'all who just joined us here at the famed Augusta National. It is a fabulous day here at the Master’s. It looks like Tiger made that putt on the 16th green under difficult circumstances, Bob.”

“(Whispering even softer) Yes, Ned it does. Tiger is getting in his Gatorade-sponsored Wood Brothers’ Chevy cart and heading for 17.”

“(Shouting) Bob! Look at that! B. J. is pulling out of pit lane right in FRONT of Tiger in his PING-sponsored Dodge cart! They bump and rub a little paint! It looks like B. J. got out first and the caddies are fighting it out in the pits. Somebody will be getting a call to the trailer after THIS incident, you can bet!”

(Wetting his pants) “ Great Googly Mooglies, Ned! Would you look at that move Tiger put on him at the sand trap? Looks like Tiger’s made it to the 17th tee first.”

“(Whispering) He’s setting up…He has a beautiful swing and follow through, doesn’t he, Bob?”

“(Whispering softer still) He sure does, Ned. That pause at the end is a sight to behold. He looks like a sculpture. He’s a regular piece of art.

(Getting excited like he’d just had an intravenous drip of POWER-ADE)
But look at THAT! He stayed too long in that follow-through! That was just like last week at the Lowes 500, at the Mooresville municipal Golf Course and racing facility. That follow through cost Tiger six seconds, at least!

(Yelling like a maniac) “ B. J. has a good five cart length lead on Tiger. I bet that radio between him and his head crew-caddy is hot as a pistol! I haven't seen a tourney like this since Arnold Palmer rammed his Number 7 Geritol/Pennzoil cart into Greg Norman at the Depends/Ensure 250 last year on the senior’s tour."

(As loud as a 747 at take-off) “It’s the white flag hole! Here they come around turn four at this beautiful Augusta National. Who will wear the Green Jacket? Who will taste the victory champagne? Who will put his golf cart into Victory Lane? Who will take the lead in the points for the coveted PGA/NASCAR Points Championship?”

“Oh! No! Tiger took the air off B.J.’s spoiler? But WHO IS THAT who just put a fender into B.J.’s quarter-panel and put them BOTH into the wall as they came off the eighteenth hole?”

“That would be Dale Junior, Ned…in the Budweiser/Boone’s Farm Apple like wine drink/ Spalding number 8 Chevrolet. He takes the checkered flag at the Master’s!”

Next year, I understand PGA/NASCAR will merge with The NHL, prompting the rulebook change so that icing and high sticking are legal and the finish line will be called the goal.

See you at the infield!

Hey, what's wrong with a little help now and then, for those of us less gifted...

agent66,

Did you happen to see "The Sweet Spot" on Comedy Central?

Bill Murray and family actually did this once -- the last hole was merged with football. They lined up like a field goal (complete with defense), only it was a drive instead of a kick.

Its' exercise my uncle hasn't seen for years since he stopped golf after hurting his shoulder 2 years ago in a household mishap. He can still play a mean short game and this thing got him back out of the house onto the course. he's happy.

In the spirit of Jaxx's post, a quote:

::BLAM::
Chandler Young: Interesting club. what would you call that?
Jack Hartounian: Twelve gauge.

/Caddyshack 2 reference

Since I'm thinking of getting one.....
3. Who might benefit from the Swingless Club?
People of any age who just want some outdoor fun without the time-intensive learning curve needed to master the long drive with a conventional club, people reluctant to try golfing - or ex-golfers who'd given up - because they have a physical limitation that would be aggravated by the long drive (like a minor back problem or some arthritis), friends and partners of avid golfers, people whose doctors want them to get exercise and who realize 18 holes would be much more pleasant than a treadmill in a gym, charity tournament planners, etc.. Anyone who feels they can learn to make chip and putt shots near and onto the green.

so, if golf is just 'how to ruin a good walk', then can't you just go for a walk?

robot swinger + green fees + funny pants = $hahahaha

Didn't Dave review this years ago? I clearly remember reading a very funny column concerning a driver that could hit into the next postcode.

Dave

I can see it now: a challenge match between Stephen Hawking and Christopher Reeve.

Yeah, did Dave write about the swingless golf before? Hey it might be pretty nice for arthritic or just plain old people. Wouldn't you rather have them on the green driving balls than on the streets driving cars? If you could see the way my grandfather drives a car, you'd wish he was playing golf.

How about golfless golf?

Now that's something I can support.

Zed

yes, he did write about it, in 1998 (i just looked it up. it would be really really really pathetic if i could remember.)

Word Count 816

Controlling Your Anger in Golf…Redneck Style

By Carson cockman

I have just read an article on controlling your anger. It was titled Golf Zen. The author is a very thoughtful man with deep insight into what makes a normal golfer tick.

However, I feel it only fair to warn you that I am not a normal golfer…I am a redneck golfer!

My hip flask used to be filled with moonshine from Wilkes County. By the time one finished off such a flask, one would be in a carefree state of mind such that one’s nose would be buried three inches into a sand trap.

Be that as it may, there are still times when I have found the need to control my anger in a round of golf.

For example, if one of my friends of the northern persuasion would be so foolish as to slight the honorable name of General Robert E. Lee of the glorious Army of Virginia.

Such crass behavior would elicit a measured response from me, such as: “It is a well documented fact that General Ulysses S. Grant wore ladies bloomers before major battles.”

Should my opponent say something like: “You could probably get more distance if you didn’t swing like a girl,” I might have to retort: “You played better before your sex change operation.”

I find that if one lets one’s anger fester inside one, it can cause a person to remove his/herself from contention. The resultant loss of focus on the game can hamper one’s game until one regains one’s intensity as one runs over one’s opponent in the parking lot.

Getting it all out safely, allows the free flow of passion to wash over the game and keeps one from serving ten to twenty without possibility of parole for smacking someone up side the head with one’s putter.

I have talked to many psychologists on the courses I have played. They know very little about what will set off a golfer. Sure, they know all about angst and repressed diabolical insanity and the fact that they are going to bill you 120 bucks. But they sound like they are channeling the ghost of Karl Jung or Sigmund Freud. My best anger management techniques have come from Lester Dingleman.

Lester is the guy who pours the beers at the bar in the clubhouse.

Lester says one should never discuss religion, politics or the relative merits of Pings versus Spalding. It is like getting into an argument with two NASCAR fans about which is better…Fords…or Chevys. Fisticuffs will surely ensue.

Lester also says that one should find various safe ways to vent any hostility that builds up during a game.

One of his “safe” methods comes to mind.

It is “safe” to smash your opponent’s ball two inches into the shoreline of the water hazard with your golf spikes as long as your opponent can “safely” spin out the golf cart tires on your ball (thus sending it into orbit around the flag on a green in the vicinity of Pluto).

If things get out of hand, meditation helps. Did I say meditation? I meant mediation. I personally think we should get Congress to pass a law federalizing the creation of the Department of Golf Mediation. The first Secretary of Golf would have to be none other than Arnold Palmer, himself.

Imagine, if you will.

Your opponent has just claimed the right to a mulligan after a dog chased down his ball and buried it beyond the out of bounds. You, of course, rightly point out that there is no guarantee of a mulligan for such an occurrence in the official rules of Golf. He responds that there is no guarantee that your parentage is not somehow related to the dog that caused the offense. You respond that there is no guarantee that after you whip his …

Suddenly from the rough, Arnold and twelve secret service guys appear. In the sudden silence, as you both stutter and stammer because you have never been this close to greatness before, Arnold says: “Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Can’t we all just get along?”

Before you know it, you are professing your undying friendship and swear to pay each other those outstanding bets. All is right with the world and brotherly love has made another conquest.

Arnold walks off into the sunset, knowing his job has been done.

For two seconds, you both reflect on the wonderful camaraderie of golf.

Then your opponent turns to you with tears in his eyes and says: “You know you only marked down four strokes on 14 and I distinctly saw you drive, hit an iron and a pitching wedge and three putt that hole.”

“Yeah? Well, if the PGA or the IRS ever audited your card, you’d be playing with your putter in the big yard at the federal pen!”


I think I might need that refresher course in anger management, after all.

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