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July 25, 2004

CONVENTION UPDATE

I have arrived in Boston, and the security is SERIOUS. There are police officers, dogs, army guys, helicopters... and that's just in my hotel room But as a trained journalism professional, I intend to overcome these obstacles and write daily reports for the Miami Registration Required Herald. Also, if any actual major news breaks out, I will... well, I imagine I will probably leave.

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Knock yourself out, Dave!

Please see if you can encourage a 'no more loose snakes' agenda, as part of the Democratic platform.

Or, if you adopt it, I will vote for YOU!!

God, I hate those things so much!!!

Cna you imagine if the security were FUNNY instead? Could that be the real reason they sent Dave?

See Dave, I TOLD you to bring Shaq with you to run interference. If you had only spent your time productively on vacation by reading the blog instead of drinking beer and holding belching contests you'd be ahead of the game now.

That's the kind of journalistic patriotism we've come to expect from you, Mr. Dave. I for one will stand behind you 100% for all eternity, until you succumb to Alzheimer's.

Welcome, Dave! I recommend The Daily Catch, for squid tentacles, followed by a cannoli or two at Modern Pastry (AVOID Mike's Pastry; it's way over commercialized.)

Have fun!

And don't forget Dali's, or Tapeo. You will not regret it whatsoever.

make sure you have some lobstah someplace too. if you can get out of the hotel. you'd better be incognito, because if anyone knows YOU'RE running for pres too, well, there could be a floor battle, dontcha think?

Dave,

I will donate $20 to your favorite charity if you pose for a picture in the hall wearing either a Yankees hat or a turbin. I bet some other regulars would match me.

P.S. I mean the convention hall, not the hall in the hotel.

That security isn't for the convention. It's for tonight's Yankees/Red Sox game. After yesterday's melee, they had to call in the National Guard.

By tomorrow, things should be much calmer in Beantown.

Don't worry, the only "real" news for the Miami Herald the next few months will be Shaq's coming and Ricky's going. They should take up every other page quite nicely.

I want to see a picture of this action-packed hotel room. Add a visigoth and you've got an epilogue to the G2G movie.

As a trained journalist, shouldn't you remember to put periods between sentences? ("There are police officers, dogs, army guys, helicopters... and that's just in my hotel room[.] But as a trained journalism professional . . .")

"So, will blogging important items like this be left up to judi alone?"

"DAVE BARRY is not making this up" copyright 1994.

Chapter (essay) title "The Unkindest Cut of All"

After Ricky Williams bolting for Asia, you may want to stay in Boston a while, if only to leech off the Patriots for a little while. If I were you, I certainly would. (You can always burn the Patriots apparel before returning to Florida.)

So, I'm sitting here in my jammies and bunny slippers drinking tea and eating strawberry cheesecake. And I'm feeling so good it got me to thinking... Did anybody else here really enjoy that shower scene with Will Smith in I, Robot?

it was good, polly. the reviewers seem to like telling people we've seen enough, and that will should keep it covered from now on. but i say, hell no; what do reviewers know!?

Wow Polly, I was doing to wait for DVD for I,Robot but now I think I'll rush right out and.. still wait for DVD. Can you tell me about how far along that comes so I can have the remote handy?

Then again Polly, if it were a scene with Will Smith in jammies and bunny slippers, I'd be first in line. How was your tea?

How much frisking was going on in the hotel rooms there?

DAVE- Please don't leave if actual news breaks out! We would need your perspective. If terrorists manage to get by all that security and so something, like take Senator Kerry Hostage and threaten to behead him if we don't elect him, then SOMEBEODY would need to report on how many boogers each terrorist has hanging in his beard and whether or not the third terrorist from the left bears a slight resemblance to Martha Stewart (or how she's gonna look after six months in the pen).

Polly, Judi, you'll want to know that in the European version ALL is revealed in Will's shower scene. Dave (not Barry): it occurs very early in the movie. Frankly, I think we saw quite enough as it was and don't think more was necessary, but I'll understand if Judi feels differently.

I'll double Brad's offer, Dave. We're going to Boston next weekend and my wife is threatening to cancel the trip (which would be OK with me) unless I leave my Yankees hat home. What to do, what to do.

Oh, and John: ick. Who'd want it back? I think if you ask most women (Punky?) they'd agree with Elaine on SEINFELD: no to foreskins.

JohnDoe & others:

for the Miami Herald:

[email protected]
password: miamivice

Jeff:
How come the Europeans get to see the whole enchilada? (I'm using my whiny voice, here.)

Dave...not Barry:
Tea was good. Spiced Chai. 34 oz mug and enough caffeine to kill a small horse. Which explains the bleeding ulcer, 2 hours of sleep every night, and the pit stains the size of Texas under my arms. (Okay... I blame my father for that one..we're a stinky sweaty people.)

Judi:
Girls need eye candy, too. I didn't hear any of those pasty, lumpy reviewers complaining when Tia Leoni was doing her nudy shower dance for Nick Cage in The Family Man.

Dear Dave,
I am begging you to please, PLEASE go on a bogger fact find mission with Senator Kennedy.
Thanks

"Girls need eye candy, too."

Amen to that, sister!

Polly, don't shoot the messenger. I read a brief (no pun!) interview with Will S. in which he said he couldn't understand why they made such a big deal about it in this country, it was no big thing (I hope he wasn't talking length, but ...) and it was mentioned that the European version was uncensored.

Polly wrote: "Did anybody else here really enjoy that shower scene with Will Smith in 'I, Robot?'"

As a matter of fact, yes. Will Smith is 6'2", 200# of beefed-up manhood. Now before some of you guys start covering your eyes during that brief (10 - 15 seconds, tops) scene ('I, Robot' is only a PG-13 movie, fer chrissakes!) please know that he is carefully posed with his leg forward so that you CANNOT see his package.

God forbid you should see THAT.

The POINT of the scene is that his character is a luddite (old-style bathtub and fixtures) and is paranoid (no shower curtain, weapon placed within easy reach).

I must echo the comments on Will Smith's nice bufftitude. Besides the aforementioned (very brief and early in movie) shower scene (which, btw, served absolutely zero narrative purpose, except to raise the question "They don't use shower curtains in the future? How do they keep their rooms from getting covered in water?"), they find plenty of excuses for him to go around shirtless.

That is a NICE piece of manflesh. Lucky Jada Pinckett Smith.

The movie kept suggesting that kissy-face might occur, but no such thing occured. I guess they figured they had to throw the audience a bone or two (har har!) since there was no sex scene.

Jeff, I'm with Elaine. Did I ever tell the story about my ex's circumcision? Probably.

And I wanna see Will's willy! What's the big deal indeed.

John, thank you for pointing out the point of the scene. I totally missed it.

Dear Dave:
This security alert has just come in from the 5th floor of your hotel: A friend of mine says that you should watch out for "mysterious brown pods" oozing suspicious red liquid. She says these pods are placed in secret strategic locations around the hotel and convention sites and are reportedly attacking sleeping Democrats and transforming them into Republicans. She added that these pods are part of a secret Ashcroft/Homeland Security Mission called: "Invasion of the Bush Snatchers." She recommended that you carry a crowbar with you to the ice machine and pop some no-doze pills. If you see conservative looking women in flowery robes and curlers screaming like forked pigs, run like your hair is on fire back to your SECURE room.

By the way, dogs are not immune to the "Bush Snatcher Pods" and may be subjected to a fate worse than Abu Ghraib: Their real dog heads will be removed and replaced by human (Ashcroft look-a-like) heads. If you are confronted by these Ashcroft Snatch Hounds in your hallway, your only protection may be to throw a hardcore porn magazine at them, as a distraction, until you can get away.
Good Luck, Marilyn

Dear Dave:
This security alert has just come in from the 5th floor of your hotel: A friend of mine says that you should watch out for "mysterious brown pods" oozing suspicious red liquid. She says these pods are placed in secret strategic locations around the hotel and convention sites and are reportedly attacking sleeping Democrats and transforming them into Republicans. She added that these pods are part of a secret Ashcroft/Homeland Security Mission called: "Invasion of the Bush Snatchers." She recommended that you carry a crowbar with you to the ice machine and pop some no-doze pills. If you see conservative looking women in flowery robes and curlers screaming like forked pigs, run like your hair is on fire back to your SECURE room.

By the way, dogs are not immune to the "Bush Snatcher Pods" and may be subjected to a fate worse than Abu Ghraib: Their real dog heads will be removed and replaced by human (Ashcroft look-a-like) heads. If you are confronted by these Ashcroft Snatch Hounds in your hallway, your only protection may be to throw a hardcore porn magazine at them, as a distraction, until you can get away.
Good Luck, Marilyn

Those of you who have read any robot stories by Asimov would know there was NO chance of 'kissy face' from Dr. Susan Calvin, no matter how cute Will and his Willy was (were?).

And Snatch hounds? that sounds pretty dangerous...

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