WHEN THE JUDGE ASKS US TO APPROACH THE BENCH

This blog says, no thanks.

(Thanks to reformed lawyer Paul Levine)

Comments

[waxwing]

someone else can be first, i don't want to be too close to this guy!

[Mike Weasel]

Too late.

[waxwing]

eewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. now how do I delete my post? *steps back, steps back again* Claude Raines is actually first, it was not me. Maybe it was Harvey, come to think of it.

[Mike Weasel]

Insert "banging his gavel" joke here.

[golfwidow]

And here I was, feeling guilty about using *productivity* enhancers at work.

[SMFTC]

Now what was that he was "holding in contempt"?

[Brad]

This is how we get the phrase "Justice is Blind".

[SlickRick]

So I guess that giant sucking sound wasn't really all the jobs going to Mexico.

[Brad]

Mike -- "Judge Thomson and the Gavel Bangers" W_not_BAGNFARB.

[Lee]

Jeff posted this on the 1st Cher thread a couple hours ago...

Also, this brings a new meaning to getting scr*wed in court. And now we know what type of people are falling for those spam messages.

[looney girl]

I would have thought something like this would happen somewhere like New Jersey. It's unsettling to think it was in Oklahoma for some reason....

[Brad]

Famous Judge Thomson quotes:

"Counselor, I will have to hold you in contempt if...."

"Members of the jury, here are your instructions. (1) Place end of hose into pump. (2) Gently place other end of hose over..."

[Rosella]

Just when I think Oklahoma is boring...it keeps getting better. Or something.

[Jeff Meyerson]

I still think Oiled (or perhaps Shaved) Nether Region wbagnfarb.

If the judge's robe is jumping,
you know he's a pumping.

On the other hand I don't think Male Enhancement Pump, while a lovely PC phrase, wbagnfarb.

"We vant to PUMP -- you up."

[Rachel]

DId you READ the documents? Urgh.

1) The repeated use of the phrase "Moral turpitude" always makes me giggle (it sounds dirty in a fifth-grade kind of way.)

2) The cleaning lady reported that she had "found semen" in the trashcan on several occasions. How is that EVER something you'd expect to find in a courtroom trashcan?

[Rachel]

Moral Turpitude, on the other hand, wbagnfarb. Although it might be too easy. Might even have already been done (the naming, not the turpitude.)

[Jeff Meyerson]

"I wouldn't want to see his briefs...."

elle, I gather he wasn't wearing any.

[looney girl]

Rachel-
Do you remember the OJ trial? I wouldn't have been surprised if the cleaning crew found Jimmy Hoffa's glove in the garbage can in THAT court room!

[Brad]

More Judge Thomson quotes:

"This case presents this court with a difficult challenge. In one hand, we have the defendant's right to a speedy trial. In the other, we have my penis pump."

"Mr. Herman, to clear up the record for the court, were you using your left hand or your right hand?"

(ok elle, working with yours...) "Counsellors, please file your briefs with the court and I will straighten this out this afternoon."

[Jeff Meyerson]

(sound of swooshing)

[Lairbo]

Maybe, in his own small way (not to cast aspersians, or anything), this judge was trying to create his own Giant Cheeto and put his little town of Sapulpa, Oklahoma on the map and maybe in the Big Book of 25 Exciting Communities in the Sooner State (I bet there's at least that many).

[Rachel]

Something about the juxtaposition of penis pumps and the phrase "Sooner State." Again with the giggles.

[queensbee]

as i may have said on the other thread....ewwwww, and what was the cleaning woman doing looking for semen in the wastebasket, is she a CSI? what? at least now we know what they wear under the robes. ewww.

[waxwing]

And the Connecticut governor just resigned, too. Fun for everyone!

It would not be a good idea to moon people who make you mad if you are in prison. Someone should tell him this...

[Lmd33]

looney: how can you say that about New Jersey, which has it's very own state dinosaur?

Just because there's crooked politicians, mafiosi, and toxic landfills that make us all glow in the dark, those are no reasons to go knocking NJ! My 458 pair of chromosomes are just as good as yours!!

Btw, Jimmy Hoffa was nowhere near Oklahoma. He's been too preoccupied holding up Giants Stadium for awhile now.

[queensbee]

i'm a firm believer that there should be a jail for the terminally stupid. some people just shouldnt be out here mingling. of course, the worst of them wind up in the darwins...........

[jamester]

Dave Barry was not making this up! They ought to check the judge for brain diseases (syphilis comes to mind)...

[BMX3]

"This Court will now cum to order."

Can't believe I was the first to post that.

[Tiko]

But the evidence would not stand up in court

[Jeff Meyerson]

"Smith shouted insults and obscenities after the judge had told him to address the court as "sir."
"Sir? Kiss my (expletive), sir!" Brown shouted, dropping the pants of his two-piece prison jumpsuit and pointing his rear end at the judge."

But queensbee, I don't understand the problem. I mean, he called the judge "Sir" didn't he?

[Erika]

Just one of those situations when you don't know if you should get angry or laugh.

[queensbee]

yeah, he did jeff, but he was using some alternate site for his 'smile'.... and as for me, erika, i laughed, because this guy was such an unbelievable moron. is there any hope for such fools? probably not.

[Gregg]

Erection -- oops, I mean objection -- sustained."

[Jeff Meyerson]

Queensbee, I've BEEN to Johnson City too! One of the throbbing (as Dave would say) three cities along with Binghamton and Endicott. In fact, I bought shoes at the Endicott-Johnson factory before it closed. (I think it closed.?) This was when we used to go to summer camp up there (actually, across the border in northern Pa.). Now I get the Binghamton reference earlier.

As for the moron who burned down the mall trying to kill a spider, I wonder if he knows this guy? They are clearly brothers under the skin.

[Tim L.]

"Here comes the judge."

Am I the only one who remembers that old Flip Wilson routine?

[djtonyb]

I vaguely remember it, Tim. I remember watching "The Flip Wilson Show" with my parents, but was too young to get most of it. Haven't seen it since I was a youngster, and had almost forgot about it. Anyone know if there's a chance for seeing some reruns on cable?

[frennzy]

The judge, a fine 'upstanding' 'pillar' of the community, was heard to say "We must take a 'hard' line stance on those criminals who would 'flaunt' the laws of our great state."

Okay, that was bad...but at least I didn't make any reference to him assigning people to 'penal' institutions.

[jk]

Yeah, I got your member of the jury right here!

[Blue Meanie]

Looks like this judge was presiding over Johnson City all along....

I could be wrong, but I think that was Sammy Davis, Jr., not Flip (Geraldine) Wilson doing the judge thing on Laugh-In.

[Pilsenerman]

W.S.Gilbert PREDICTED this, over a century ago:

DEFENDANT: Is this the Court of the Exchequer?

ALL: It is.

DEFENDANT: Be firm, be firm, my pecker!

(Trial by Jury, 1875)

[gfunksizzle]

People actually use penis pumps? Why would you do that to yourself?

[queensbee]

thanks for the that other article jeff - what is it with people setting fire to clothing, and stuff in houses and stores? duuuuuh. same people who probably ask what would happen if they drank anti-freeze. i spent 6 yrs in the binghamton area working on masters and ph.d [didnt finish that one] for sheer fun, this is not the area to be. when the mall in that story first opened, a bunch of us went to the Mont. Ward store - because they had a buffet, and we were poor grad students who were going to get all we could eat for about a buck and a half. it was the first mall in that area. this was probly 1975. i left the area to get some employment, but yes, the EJ shoe factory is long gone. but apparently they have plenty of spiders.

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Flip and Sammy both donned da Judge's robes at some point

[Lairbo]

Qnsbee
I bet you remember the Roscoe Diner, then, eh? I didn't go to school at Binghamton but had friends with a weekend house just outside the town of Roscoe and often ate at the diner (decent burgers, good pie). I understand that the place was the halfway stop for students busing it from NYC to Binghamton. I remember seeing busloads of college-age kids at the place. What was it, Exit 94? 97? I forget.

[DiCrom]

Once the Judge goes to a hearing on this matter he'll be acquitted because, ...well, simply put, the evidence would not stand up in court.

[Lairbo]

Brian B
It's no contest, really. "Dave's World". Is there really any other choice?

What the hell happened to Harry Anderson, anyway? Will he be playing the part of "Dave Barry" in the upcoming epic major motion picture "Guide to Guys"?

[Jeff Meyerson]

"Looks like this judge was presiding over Johnson City all along...."

Excellent, blue meanie!

[Jeff Meyerson]

Actually, it was Pigmeat Markham who originated "Here Comes the Judge" though Sammy Davis did do it too. (Scroll down near the bottom of this to get to Pigmeat and his routine. There was also a Motown version of the song by Shorty Long that was a bigger national hit -- #8 to Pigmeat's #19.)

Here are the full lyrics of "Here Comes the Judge."

[Jeff Meyerson]

And speaking of things no one should have to look at (like the judge's nether regions or Barry M), my wife turned on WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? last night and we were subjected to an entire half hour of Richard Simmons! Yes, there he was in those spangles and little shorts rubbing up against as many men as would let him and making poor Wayne Brady look very nervous. In fact, in one sequence after being forced to press up against Richard (don't ask) Wayne curled up in the fetal position and sucked his thumb, poor guy.

[Jeff Meyerson]

This definitely gives new meaning to the phrase "if it please the court."

[Eric Augustus]

"...oiled his nether region..."

Now THATS a great name for a rock band... The Oily Nether Regions