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May 14, 2004

TODAY'S FICTION-WRITING ASSIGNMENT

Come up with the backstory for this.

(Thanks to Michael Ester)

Comments

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First!!!

Must not taste like chicken.

Here, kitty, kittAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh........

What's wrong with this guy? This is America!! He should be sueing the zoo for allowing him to carry a pass and visit every day.

Jaguar Study Log,5/11/04:
Jaguars apparently do not understand the humor in the "pull my finger" game.

Manchas had the munchies.

Methinks you are in the wrong thread Stash.....

Okay, here's the backstory:
The guy was in fact the guy they called, and he was all right, all right. But he'd murdered his girlfriend and was visiting every day to bring the cat a little snack. Now he was down to dessert... ladyfingers, of course. Hahahahaha!

Gives a new meaning to the term "giving the finger".

This IS the "Manchas the Jaguar" backstory class, isn't it? Gee, LG, I was ducking out of biology; they're dissecting stuff today.

Well, judi has a method to her madness; a booger story must be balanced by a finger story. Yin-Yang.

Stash, ya got to my first thought ahead of me.

That "ladyfingers" one though...Kudos! :-)

TFC, good point! ;-)

Elsewise, I got nothin'....

First of all:

"MMMMMMmmmmm Finger lickin' good!"

- The Jaguar Manchas


It was bound to said, might as well get it overwith.

"You moved the finger? You idiot!"

It's OJ's finger.

A container of mascarpone was found in the back of the cage. Coincidence?

Here's the answer. This is a recent entry on Manchas the Jaguar's BLOG:


Thrusday May 13, 2004
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Human Asshat
.
.
O.K., Y'all know I'm been on this Atkins diet thing since I can remember, seems to work for me.
The uniform humans seem to know the drill, meat for breakfast, meat for lunch and meat for dinner.

Well this idiot comes in everyday and is trying to sneak in some carbs!!! He's got this food that looks like bacon, smells like bacon, but it's not bacon, it's CARBS!!!!

So I'm like, if this asshat tries to sneak in some carbs on me one more time, I'm gonna bite his farking fingers off. Well if you saw the news, then you know the rest. Anyway it worked, I ain't seen "lefty" since. Any of you have this problem?
.
.
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# posted by The Manchasinator@12:56 P.M.

Comments (5)

This is what really happened.

*Man feverishly writing at a desk in his disheveled art studio.*

My Dearest Jaguar Manchas,

I visit you every day. I bring you snacks. I toss pebbles into your pen when the keepers aren't looking. And yet, you do not notice me.

Is it me? Am I too old? Too young? Wrong gender? Wrong species? What, what, can I do to win your love?

I await breathlessly your reply.

*Man folds paper and kisses it before putting it into and envelope and lovingly sealing it closed. He starts to address the envelope....but wait... he suddenly realizes...Jaguars cannot read. His hopes are dashed and he crumples the letter despondently.*

"How can I demonstrate my love when my Dearest love will not look at me or listen to me or read my letters?"

*He looks around the studio and sees a really second-rate copy of Starry Starry Night that he has been working on for a decade.*

"Aha! Ears have been done, but I know just the thing!"

*He grabs a knife and his zoo pass from the kitchen table and runs out.*

The rest is history.

"Hey, Mancha, gotcher nose AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

I heart Jaguar T-shirt -$20
Annual zoo pass - $50
look on the jaguar's face - priceless

MMMMMMM fingers.....

moral of the story: never, ever flip the bird to a big cat

BMX3: you win.

"Darnell says he denied missing any fingers.

But Darnell says a print lifted from the detached finger said otherwise."

"Oops. Oh, THAT finger. I thought you meant the other finger. Oh yeah, I wondered what happened to it. I knew I dropped it somewhere, but couldn't remember where. I swear I'd lose my head if it wasn't firmly attached."

Maybe next time.

The fact that they already had the guy's fingerprints on files gives us one clue. Maybe he was planning to steal Manchas and hide him in his apartment and call the zoo with a ransom demand?

DART: What did you do with my time machine?

I agree with Looney Girl...he should hire Cochran and sue the bejeezus out of that zoo...and the Socirty that gave him the pass...and the construction morons who obviously didn't put enough distance between the pedestrian zone and the cage...This is America dammit ! Sue the Bastids...

Dog Bless America(n Furniture Mart)
Support our (Isuzu)Troop(er)s...

G'day! What really happend here was this mate got complacent! The Jaguar is a beatiful animal, and they look so tame and cute in the zoo. But down deep, they are still big mean wild animals!!! Obviously what happend here was Mr. Jag lover got used to feeding ol' Manchas there, and was feeling quite safe. When all of a sudden, CRIKY the Jag got his digit! All because he got complacent. But it's not the Jag's fault, he was just doing what comes natural, biting asshat's fingers off. Be careful out there Bloggies, G'day!!

Shucks, there goes eadn's and my great backstory. Too bad; I was working on the sequel where Manchas develops a sudden craving for fava beans.

I can't believe youse people ain't figured this out yet! this was definately warning from Big Vinny "The Big Cat" Catolini. First, cut off one finger and leave it next to the "Big Cat" cage. Next time, well you knows, he sleeps with the Big Catfishes, if ya know what I mean, and I thinks you do. Yo capeesh?

Capeesh here, Tony Baloney.

"No one here at the zoo will listen to me. But over the past weeks, I've become convinced that Manchas the jaguar is suffering from an enlarged prostate.

"He seems to have trouble urinating, and I notice that he frequently awakes in the night to relieve himself.

"My only recourse is to examine him myself. I believe that Manchas understands this and trusts me.

"Why just yesterday, as I stood beside his cage, he lifted his tail to me. He seemed to invite me to check him out.

"I've made up my mind. Tomorrow, I will attempt to become the very first:

"Jaguar proctologist!

"I hope all goes well."

Ya know, this is beginning to sound like one of them "heavy" (or perhaps, "heaving") dramas. Like where they show all sides to the story, complicated subplots, soured love...mafia loyalty...diet difficulties...etc. (and *hork*! ;-) Not to mention an Enjoyably Well-Done script-writing collaboration by the Bloglits et al! :-)

finger lickin' good?

Um. So why did the guy without a finger get banned for life? I must be missing something here. Are they assuming he cut it off with his dull swiss army knife to provoke the cat?? I need more details, folks.

Ah, we have to make up our own reality ... OK ...

I think it was a "pull my finger" prank gone terribly wrong.

And my sincere apologies to BMX3 for not seeing his post before I posted mine.

heh heh Punky, I just guess he wasn't tasteful enough for Manchas and with no napkin at paw, kitty just spit it out! :-)

(and do your kitties just eat anything you put out for them? ;-)

A little history note: I read somewhere almost 15 years ago that if you gave your KITTENS variety, they wouldn't get all finicky at the plate. Tried it with these last two (now one). Is there a Bullshit Award for cat advice?

as an owner of a small Florida panther I can attest to the fact that cats do not eat fingers...too much bone no meat. Big cats go for the throat first and then the meaty thighs or abdomen.

Punky,

Actually it's my fault, I forgot to check the reservation book. Clearly on page two:

6:56 --- Garret: "Jaguar Proctologist"
7:18 --- Punky Brewster: "Finger lickin' good?"
7:24 --- Punky Brewster: "Pull my finger"

Sorry, I'll look closer next time.

*Graciously defers place in the sun to BMX3 and willingly accepts defeat*

"Subservient chicken fingers" comes to mind. Was the jaguar wearing a garter belt?

By the way "Jaguar Proctologist" would not, IMHO, BAGNFARB. But, it my be a good on going SNL skit. "I'm Brian Fellow, Jaguar Proctologist!

correction:

In todays "Jagaur finger" post, BMX3 left out an a. The sentence should read: ......may be a good SNL skit.

"Yeah, it was probably stupid to stick my finger into the jaguar cage, but on the other hand...I still have all five fingers."

"Yeah, it was probably stupid to stick my finger into the jaguar cage, but on the other hand...I still have all five fingers."

Oopsie. >:(

Important news regarding the Guide to Guys movie.

Guillermo,

Can we please see both of your hands? At the same time?

Haha, I think you might've missed my pun.

On the other HAND........

Brian Fellow has trouble saying his own name. Plus Tracy Morgan is gone, so.

Just for the record, it's not wise to mess with angry large cats.

Hey, punky, I beat you to "pull my finger" too...(post #5, 4:13 pm)...

Garret, liked Jaguar Proctologist. BMX3, good point on SNL. Reminds me of the old Dan Aykroyd bit: Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.

If you don't think it wbagnfarb, how about Mad Scientist's: Meaty Thighs and Abdomen. (Sort of like the immortal Pink Lady and Jeff -- no relation).

Aw crap. Sorry Dan. :(

I blame it on Happy Hour!

In a covert attempt to increase the number of frequent visitors from a unsustainable 15 to something profitably higher, Albuquerque zoo officials this week plotted to sacrifice one of their more troblesome "regulars."

In the hopes of dramatically boosting frequent-voyeur attendance, officials informed the unsuspecting individual that their jaguar, Manchas, was now trained to sit and bark when someone authoritatively shook their finger where the cat could definately see it. This clueless customer was further informed that only preferred zoo vistors were being invited to participate.

Zoo officials admitted in a dramatic press conference today to using the "roller coaster death," marketing technique long employed to boost the gate at major amusement parks.

Welcome to the Jaguar Fiction Writers Olympics!

Ready for the scores from the judges?


Contestants (in order of appearance):

Dan Gross (and sodden Punky): "Pull my finger"
Stash (& Echo Eadn): "Missing girlfriend disposal"
Marty Fried (& Icarus): "Giving jag the bird"
BMX3: "Atkins jag"
Lilly: "Unrequited love"
Tony Saprano[sic]: "Mafia jag"
Garret: "Proctologist jag"
Cheezwiz: "Zoo publicity"


Judges ready?

Austrian judge "Deon":

Gold: Garret
Silver: BMX3
Bronze: Dan Gross

I think he intended to sue the zoo, for having an unsafe jaguar containment system that allowed Manchas to get close enough to him that his finger could be bitten off. But, darnit, Manchas wouldn't eat the severed finger!

Or, maybe he actually was trying to fake his own death. Again, plan foiled by the jaguar having more common sense than the fraudulent would-be "victim".

But I'm too late for the judging. S'okay, my prose is off today.

Woo-hoo the gold! Thanks, Deon.

May I request Jose Lima (with wife) sing the National Anthem for me?

[Note use of comment thread time machine.]

Jeez, with only 15 visitors a day you'd think they'd want to keep them all.

I have to give a big meaty finger treat to Dan Gross and Lairbo for making me laugh out loud...
Dan:
Jaguar Study Log,5/11/04:
Jaguars apparently do not understand the humor in the "pull my finger" game.

Lairbo:
"Hey, Mancha, gotcher nose AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

My asshat's off to you.

I wanted to give him a steak, but I didn't have one.....

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