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May 19, 2004


dave star treatmentSML.JPG

(Thanks again to the lovely Jeff Arch, who says, "Everyone else just had to sweat.")


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Imagine that child's joy in telling his friends why he missed school.

Hopefully, there's also somebody to pit the olive in Dave's martini?

Wouldn't want Dave exposed to any unnecessary sun now, would we?

I need someone (or several someones) to follow me around and shade me like that ... and peel me a grape, too ... oh, and can it be Johnny Depp? (As long as I'm dreaming).

LMC, why do people peel grapes? I've never understood that.

After, what, 77 years, Dave's finally getting his payoff.

Back to the snake pit, Jerome!
Don't send me any more of those damn cowboy canteens.

John -- I think it's to avoid the (sometimes bitter) peel ... of course, given a REAL choice I'd want (a tiny bit of) caviar and some really lovely fruit like papaya.

Aaaaack. You can keep your fish eggs.

(wish I could have come up with something wittier ... ah, well, the truth will have to do)

What can I say -- I've been craving fish eggs since the article on the zillion dollar frittata.

Did they take the trailer away already?

I hope we don't have a violation of child labor laws going on here.

Bubble thought above kid's head:

"Frickin prima dona. 'Hey kid, this water's not cold enough!' Who's he think he is, J-Lo? Someday, I'm gonna be a star. And when I am, I'll be nice to people!"

Dave is STILL wearing that same stupid shirt. Must be getting pretty rank right about now with all that sweating going on...pheeeewwww stinky!

Psst! On the count of three, we push down really hard, okay?

Dave I'm making a home movie of me and my new rod and reel. You can be in the movie for gracious sakes! There is a discussion about my weapons afterward.

I'm emailing over a pic of my sideburn. The right one. Can you get it posted today?

Where are you shooting this move at, the buffalo pit at the wild animal park?

Wan to compare acting skills kingfisher?

i have two assistants and i named them both judi. ha.

statistics reveal there is a new movie shot in america every 2 seconds. statistics say that.

i'm not meaning to insinuate anything, but could stand in the middle of the street over at buffalo park and whail.

dave you are the next jim carey. square business. just remember to have sex reguraly with all you co stars. you come a long way.

andy -- huh?

dave when you saw the sound of music the first time did you have your calling.

actually dave you are the next drew carey. how about drinking 20 beers and insulting everyone you see.

nothing here. do you know adam sandler dave? i know jim sandler.

daves not here. tommy chong.

If only *I* could have a job shielding Dave from the sun. THAT would be sweet.

Dave....where do I apply?

Yeah, me too! Andrea and I can be your new pleasure girls, Dave! Sign us up!

i had a bloddy saturday morning cartoon dave. top that burns.

I hate to burst the bubble, but I have seen the black flaps before, I think. I happened to be on Mont Royal when they were shooting some sort of weird semi-pro thing. It was very bright day, and they were using the black thing, I think so that the very non-famous person they were filming wouldn't look radioactive on camera, or be all squinty constipated looking. They had a white-silver one too. And they kept flipping between them both, holding high, holding low, stalking around, and frowning a lot while the person they were going to eventually film looked about as awkward and useful as spoiled meat.

They were also right in the middle of the observation area, and it's good thing for them it must have been an all-Canadian tourist and local crowd, or they certainly would have been going back down to Montreal at the high speed of gravity.

Side note, it was a windy day, and they didn't keep a good grip on their flaps, and one of them finally won the bid in the break for it and went flying off the mountain.

That was a great moment.

Who is Jeff Arch? And how do you do that? That's awesome. Who was the REAL person being shaded?

I think Andy already reached his beer quota for the day.

I think we can assume this is NOT your big budget Hollywood movie.

1. If it was Dave WOULD have changed his shirt at least 14 times by now, and damn the continuity!

2. If it was Dave's trailer would be way bigger.

3. If it was they would be filming on some fancy sound stage instead of in front of bleachers that, frankly, were old during the Truman administration.

4. If it was Dave would be shaded by Mrs. Jose Lima and Pamela Anderson and they wouldn't need to hold a screen (nudge nudge wink wink).

5. If it was Dave wouldn't be breaking 42 child labor laws by having Butch from the Little Rascals take the day off from the sweatshop to shade him. (The kid's expression says it all: "This guy is a crapweasel. I'm giving him the finger behind the screen. I'd rather be making baseballs and fake Cuban cigars than holding this damn screen.")

Andy, 95% of all statistics are made up at the spur of the moment. Anyhow, statistics say that.

another reason it's not a big budget Hollywood movie:
6. They couldn't afford to hire Harry Anderson to play Dave Barry.

jeff arch is the writer of the screenplay, and the director. it's on the web site. www.guidetoguys.com

Going to post this here too. Mainly because, like others, I'm confused where the BLOAT is located. It seems to be migratory.

I'm going out on a limb here, but:

1. Isn't Dave making a movie?
2. Don't movies have Premieres?
3. Shouldn't loyal blogittes/bloggers like ourselves be automatically invited?

4. Am I going too far with this?

I'd make the pilgramige to Miami for the privlidge of rubbing shoulders with fellow bloggers.

I think the point to having someone "peel you a grape" is the fact that you can...


You deserve having your own sunshade. You desrve everything you have, buddy. You deserve hot and cold running assistant directors. Do you know what the heck a gaffer and a best boy do? I have always thought one flopped stars out of the jacuzzi with a big hook and the other was the female lead's personal bikini line trimmer.

you deserve Gatorade spiked with the beverage of your choice. You are ok by me. You still need that experienced sneaker sho shine boy, right?



You deserve having your own sunshade. You desrve everything you have, buddy. You deserve hot and cold running assistant directors. Do you know what the heck a gaffer and a best boy do? I have always thought one flopped stars out of the jacuzzi with a big hook and the other was the female lead's personal bikini line trimmer.

you deserve Gatorade spiked with the beverage of your choice. You are ok by me. You still need that experienced sneaker shoe shine boy, right?


sorry about the echoo.ooo.ooo.ooo

agent66 - I'm not sure about the best boy, but a gaffer is like the lowest of the low ("mailroom", if you will) of the showbiz industry. They secure cables, run out for pizza for the production team, etc. I always make a point of cheering for the Gaffer when movie credits roll, because they probably work harder than anyone else on the set (his Daveness being the one exception, of course).

I shudder to think what the Head Grip has to do.

Hey Dave,
Where do the keep "the fluffer"?

Your Daveness,
We the devoted bloggers would like to be invited to the Premier. If you would like, we will also hold sunshades and peel grapes and follow in your wake of greatness on a slightly faded and maybe beer stained red carpet. But only if you are still wearing The Shirt.
(well, maybe we'd like it anyway)

i think the best boy is an electrician.
i could be VERY wrong, but that's what i remember from high school. go figure.

But, aren't those peeled grapes in green jello?

What are those things anyhow?

But, I do like me some green jello.....

Agent66: I prefer your definition of "gaffer" to the real thing.

no mas: I was wondering about the fluffer too, not that Dave needs one. I wonder if Mrs. Lima... naah.

You are all dimwitted weasels for giving him grief about wearing the same shirt. Have you forgotten he's shooting a holly wood movie? And sometimes, you have to wear the same 'wardrobe' for days / weeks at a time so that it appears seamless on screen for the interminable hour and a half that movie takes to show. I think it is pointless to point this out to you pointyheaded fruitloops. If you bother to read this far. Me, I want to buy one of those shirts to look like my hear-o, Dave. Or, I would PAY to see Judi in the shirt!

ah Jake, don't be so hard on them.
My fruit loops can't even talk, much less type and read and use the internet.

Bite me, Jake.

Or at least try to avoid posting the fact that you're too stupid to figure out when the bloglits are being funny.

Oh, and bite me.

What flavor exactly is "pointyheaded"?

Punky -- I wish I was as funny as you. And as popular! Seriously, I envy you your wit and vivacity. Sigh. Maybe I should pay more attention to the blog and less attention to work ... is that your secret?

Oh He(l)l, things are going postal again

Dude, this thread went from 9 to 63 in like 6 seconds.

I'm not kidding!

Also, I agree with LMC- Punky, how DO you manage to be so witty all the time?

I'm so often LTTG, by the time I post somebody's already posted the witty thing I thought of saying. :(

Punky, forgot?

So, that's what make you tick, huh?

heh heh nothin' like being LTTG!

LMC, Blogzinha, just work with what you've got. Adds variety :-)

Any time, Punky, any time. And yes, the check is cashed :-).

Eadn -- work with what I've got? My ramparts are good, but not that good. ;-)

This is Blogchik, btw...got bored with my moniker...will probably get bored again...if Brad from SMTC can change his moniker so can I so there!

Yes, you inspire me, eadn. We are the LTTG'ers.

Where has the new BLOAT gone to, or is this it?

Is the MOAT dead for good? Poor MOAT! It was nice to have such a Seinfeldian thread...about nothing...

Of course all threads on this blog eventually devolve to nothing, unless the original topic is sex or breasts...

eadn, I do work with what I've got! ;)

*shakes it like a Polaroid picture*

I should note that while my ramparts are not much to see, I do have a J.Lo ass. I have been told so on the highest authority.

*resumes shaking it like a Polaroid picture*

*wheels in the food cart*

Here's the peeled grapes, the papyas, the caviar and several large boxes of Froot Loops you all ordered.

*looks around*

Oh. I see the Froot Loops are already here.

*dumps boxes to the side and replaces them with Sour Patch Kids*

Off-topic quickie: I blinked and got a MOAT in my eye

Lily, where's the chocolate martini I ordered?

And the chocolate oranges and chocolate-covered peanuts and chocolate covered cherries?

(Is there a theme here?)

*resumes shaking it*

Glad to see the caviar and papaya made it -- thanks Lily! Here, have a cosmopolitan ...

Maybe the big black screen can be attached to some kind of contraption that Dave can wear around his head, or shoulders, something resembling a stiff parachute, a huge graduation cap, or a bent fly swatter. Perhaps a version of The Shirt could be fabricated that includes said device.

The folks in the white shirts could then proceed to run to their well-deserved bathroom breaks.

*goes off to apply for a patent for the new gadget*

*calls the Fan Pants guy for advice*

MyOhMy Blogzinha, You do shimmy so Fine! ;-)

LMC, wit as well as beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Don't sell yourself short! :-)

Joshkr, I'll have to check myself. Is a search engine link to "LTTG" fame or notoriety?!

Thank you Punky. I try.

The cart has a permanent bin that holds all things chocolate. It's chocolate, it's in there.

I only announce new requests. If I happen to see them.

Everything that has ever been requested continues to be available in perpetuity.

The cart is really handy that way.

LMC, thanks of rthe Cosmopolitan. It's nice to get something you don't have to make yourself.

Thanks Joshkr! So that's what that pagead2googlesyndication line means that flashes on the bottom of my screen during refresh.

Y'all, the MOAT appears to be back! Thanks Judi!!!!

Wow, Lily, what a handy cart.

You ought to patent it: HandyCart TM

The Cart That Has Everything!

[Homer voice] "Mmmmmm, chocolate..."

Dave...don't look now, but you should insist on a larger sun shield and at least two more flunkies to follow you around with it. BTW.... How will these people be listed in the credits?

Executive Sun Shield Holder Joey Kitano

Assistant Sun Shield Holder Sammy Bannerman III

*pokes head in*

I think MOAT is back -- at any rate, djtonyb and I had a brief exchange over there a minute ago. April 14th and the whole clock discussion, right?

Anyway, my pitcher of cosmos and I are over there for a bit.

*wanders back out, staggering only slightly*

*Tatoo voice* "The Shirt! The Shirt!"

yes, i was just coming here to tell you. both are fixed; all hail to NAVA!

Total Refresh rita. Sounds like you've got the old one stuck in your cache.

All right! It's the re-MOAT! (ouch)
Thanks judi and NAVA, whatever that is! (National Association of Veterinary Assistants?)

My, my! Y'all have been busy since I dropped by last! That was a big party last night, hope you all took your asprin or dog hair treatments!

The Shirt, explained: Silly people, Dave is obviously wearing many different disguises throughout the movie. The shirt stays the same so that we will always know which character he is! Of course, the villians will never pick up on that.

Also, Dave must love the blog! Even though he's a big movie star, on top of being a Pulitzer Prize winner, he still takes time, during shooting a movie to drop in and keep us up to date. How cool is that?

Rita --
I think if you're using IE, you go to tools->internet options. Then click the button "delete files". That right, folks?

Also, pressing the shift key when you click refresh should force the browser to refresh.

All hail the immortal judi! :) Fixing our MOAT! Yay, judi! :)

judi deserves to be waited on by well-muscled poolboys with great big...fans. Yeah, that's it. Fans. ;)

*hands margarita to judi*

She also deserves to be waited on by Johnny Depp.

OK, judi gets Johnny Depp, you get Strider...I'll take Brad Pitt. Yummy!

This I say to you in a stupor,
Better an umbrella than a pooper-scooper.

Why not get a manicure while you're at it dave?
Shine for the cameras :>

*wheels in Handy Cart TM*

I got your sweet tarts here. Every color of the rainbow.

I don't know if they make giant SweeTarts any more. I haven't seen 'em for quite a while.

But thanks to Handy CartTM you can get them here!

Did every body see that? I actually got it to print in bold. I am so happy. This is really lame of me I know, but I can't believe I actually did it.

Go to


It is a free online school for html and xhtml. It assumes you know nothing at all and you start with the basics. I haven't got to linking yet. But I'm learning:)

I'm just looking for purple Necco wafers.

Oh WaytaGo JuliaZ! :-) I haven't thought of Necco's in years!

*add to shopping list*

Is this a real movie, or is it one of those Windy City Heat deals?


Are those his interns?

this whole movie thing is taking up waaaay too much blog time.

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