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May 17, 2004

ADVICE FOR MR. SNAIL

Put pepper in the opposing team dugout.

(Thanks to J.C.T.)

Comments

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There was no mention of ramparts in this story.

I'll have to remember this excuse next time I'm out sick.

Not that I'm fixated or anything. I just think Sosa would have been able to play if there were ramparts present for motivation. In fact, ramparts are about the only interesting about baseball.

Once, when I was 10 or so, my mom asked me to wake up my older sister. She did not specify how. I got some pepper and placed it near her nose, so that when she'd move, she'd inhale pepper. Several minutes later, she came downstairs, sneezing and a tad unhappy with her brother.

Does this in any way involve Mrs. Jose Lima?

If not, it should.

Yeah, I about sprained my eyeballs looking at Mrs. Lima. Short of breath, tightness in the shorts, can't play, coach.

First the cork-filled bat, now the pepper-sniffing incident. What's next? Smuggling illegal substances in the wife's ramparts?

Key quote: "If I'm ready, I'm going to play. If I'm not ready, I'm not going to play."

Well said Yogi.

I've heard that if you sneeze and don't close your eyes, then your headlights pop out.

Baseball is a fine sport (and it's been berry, berry good to Jose Lima). But tell me when you've ever heard of a football missing a game due to sneezing?

And there. I've joined the ranks of the other (male) bloglits who's obsession over Mrs. Jose Lima's ramparts has creeped into other comment threads.

Curse my fingers! That's football PLAYER, not football. To my knowledge a football has NEVER missed a game.

Oh, and FIGHT MR. SNAIL. FIGHT. FIGHT!!!

Footballs never sneeze either, which is probably why they don't miss games because of that.

Rust Never Sleeps

Only Women Bleed

Footballs Never Sneeze

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Garret, good point. It reminds me of another RObert Klein routine where his compares the "heartiness" of baseball vs. football players, where the latter have the amphetamines kicking in just before the opening kickoff, so you see them pounding each other on the head, while a baseball player is out for the season after... sneezing too hard?

I don't know why everyone is making such a big fuss over Mrs. Jose. I think I'm going to have to go back and see.

George Carlin used to have a great routine comparing baseball and football... it's about 10 min long, so I'm not going to go through the whole thing, but the end went like this:

"In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line...

In baseball the object is to go home and be safe!"

-ME
www.eaglesongs.com

and if Mrs. Jose Lima sneezed, what would be the result? another type of headlight popping or a cuncussion or just a basic neck fracture?
oh, and once i had Bell's palsy (woke up with half my face paralyzed...lasted for weeks) so i am one of those rare people who has seen themself sneeze. ummm...yippee?

this is creepy...i just returned from the library and before i sat down to read a book i thought i'd check out the blog...and one of the books i borrowed is Braindroppings by George Carlin. {{{shiver}}} how did you know i was getting that book, Michael?
but i also got a Dave Barry book, so i hope my posts don't get deleted.

Mechanic-you can't sneeze with your eyes open.

ouches

MeL - No kidding. I wonder how many car accidents a year sneezing causes.

hmm..ya know I bet we could get some grant money and pretend to do some research and really use that money for other things and just give them some statistics :)

philintexas: Goolging Mrs. Lima?

Actually I found the same picture. First of all "former" Mrs. Lima? Looked pretty current to me. Second, the only conclusion I came up with lookin at that picture, was it's probably not the one in the middle, but L.A.'s Cosmetic surgeons are very, very good.

Wow, a Tom Sellack movie reference, how obscure...

And would salt still be better for the Smail's dugout than pepper?

(man this office is cold!)

heh, i said Smail. That's a Johnny Dep Movie, deeper and deeper...

MeL, that's a great idea! You think it up and I'll write the grant. Then we'll REALLY party!

Former Mrs. Lima? Yea right they were never married, commen-law only. She trapped him by getting pregnant. He not only bought her those boobs, he fixed her nose to (twice actually) it was HUGH, and I mean HUGH! The running joke here in Houston is it looked like Jose went through a trailer-park and picked her up.

first of all lima is still married and yes legally and has been for like 9 years and no she is not trailer trash she is actually nice for all you jealous people out there

Jealous? Of what? Being with Lima! Don't make me laugh. First off I know Lima has been married only one time, and that was with a girl from Florida, he divorced her. He met Melissa when he was playing with Detriot, then he got traded to Houston. Melissa came with him (shes from Seattle) she got pregnant, and he stayed with her. Lima, knew back then that he was never going to get married again. They lived together for over 6 months, and that made them commen-law. They split up in 2001 and she took him to court and won a settlement, for her and their little boy. They were apart for a long time, but I guess before Lima got signed to the Dodgers they got back together. Oh, yea your right about the white-trash comment, shes not, shes up-graded to a Sugar-mama status! Once she got her settlement she started spending a lot of money on young guys all over Houston, but I guess thats to be expected when your common-law husband is buying cars, trips, boobs, and everything else for every stripper in Houston.

Jose has a girlfriend in LA (not Melissa) and he takes here everywhere...another blonde with big boobs.

Lima must like his boobs big, my friend just showed me a Scores magazine, and the cover has a model that has a 38F chest! My friend told me that the model was Lima's ex-girlfriend. I wonder if he bought them for her? If he did, they certainly weren't the first pair he's bought, and definatly not the last! Must be nice to have all that money!

I will never understand this obsession with busty blonds.

i'd rather stay home with a handful of twinks than go on a date with a stud

Jose is divorced and is still with the blonde he was with last year in LA. We saw them recently together in Anaheim and again in SF. She must be a model because she looks like one. And she's got a rack just like his ex-wife...HUGE!

Jose is divorced and is still with the blonde he was with last year in LA. We saw them recently together in Anaheim and again in SF. She must be a model because she looks like one. And she's got a rack just like his ex-wife...HUGE!

Jose is divorced and still with the blonde he was dating last year in LA. We saw them together recently in Anaheim and again in San Francisco. She tall, beautiful, and looks like a model, plus has a rack like his ex-wife's...HUGE!

I wonder if Lima's new girlfriend is aware that he has herpes? I figure if he's been with her since last year than she must have it by now as well. Lima's ex has got to have it to. Any lady that messes around with Lima now, is very stupid!

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