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May 13, 2004

ACTUAL BUSINESSPERSON CELL-PHONE CONVERSATION OVERHEARD AT AN AIRPORT THIS VERY DAY

"George? Bob. Did you get my email? (pause) Well, did you get a chance to marinate upon it?"

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Okay, would you rather it were marinated (soaked in a flavorful fluid) or ruminated (chewed, as by a cow) upon? Actually, both, in that order, might be best.

Marinate upon it?

Or: marinate in it?

Or: marinate using it?

Mmmmmmmm, marinated e-mail......

But, what kind of wine would you serve with that?

Maybe he meant "urinate on it."

Maybe not.

Gee Bob, that's a super use of the ol' English language. Why do business people feel that average words and sentence construction isn't good enough?

Well, I guess this will be the test...if Jimmy Kimmel uses marinate tonight, we'll know he's getting his material from this blog...

He couldn't just say "did you think about it" or something normal. He had to be all fancy. And sound stupid, too, but that's the price to be paid for sounding cool.

Calling all Dave Barry commenters!!!

I have recently purchased a 2001 Mazda Tribute and I am struggling for a name for him/her. The color is called "desert metallic". I figured with all of your collective wisdom, we could come up with a name. All suggestions will be considered.

Thank you.

And I've decided that the more you're paid, the stupider you are. Which excellently explains why I was always so much smarter than my managers.


Well since it was made within the last decade I guess Rusty McGee's out eh?

"You're soaking in it"

John,
I think that by using "marinate upon it," he was implying that George was marinade.

[cue Homer Simpson saying] "MMMM, Marinate upon..."
*drool sound effect*

Maybe Bob thought his e-mail would tough to swallow (har), and it needed softening up by George the Marinator.

Brian B

People name cars now?

It makes me hungry, like that picture.
I want Cockaroach of the Sea.
Do you think it comes in a can?

What color exactly is "desert metallic"?

Brian B - Desilu

Desilu as in Desilu Productions?

Good question crash! It's kind of like a silvery brown.

Mahatma,

I know lots of people who name their cars. My previous car was an '88 Taurus named Ferdinand.

MOTW,
I will add Desilu to the list. Thanks!

Brian B - Cheddar.

It's fun to hear something like this in an airport, but it's sheer hell to hear it at a conference table and you don't dare react. MeL is right. Sometimes the stupidest people are paid the most. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor: He made platypuses and pointy-haired bosses.

ferdinand is SUCH an awesome name.

Bob called George on his cell to determinate
If he had yet been able to meditate.
At a loss for the word,
Bob was publicly heard:
"Got my e-mail? Have you had time to marinate?"

Did he use Mojito?

Dave, airports are noisey places, are you sure you didn't misunderstand? Maybe what he actually said was "urinate" upon it. I know I have "mentally" urinated upon many e-mails that have been sent to me recently.

"George? Bob. Did you get my email? (pause) Well, did you get a chance to urinate upon it?"

George: "Oh yes Bob, pissed all over it, try again."

Which, btw, is also a good name for a car.

"Marinate upon it" is a classic; piquant yet pretentious. The "upon" is particuarly good. It announces someone who thinks the world of himself but isn't too bright. His wife is having an affair with his boss, he's about to be either fired or demoted to the worst territory in the Midwest, he hits on 18 years olds in bars (with no success, obviously, as "wanna see my penguin thong?" is his best line, after "what's your sign, baby?") and hangs out with his similiarly closeted friends at strip clubs, where he can smoke bad imitation Cubans and stuff dollar bills in the "girl"'s g-strings. His name: LOSER.

The urine comment has made me no longer hungry.

Wow, a non-dirty limerick. Haven't heard one of THOSE for a while...

Limericks were meant to be dirty.

MKJ - Yes, some people name cars. I have only had 3. The first was a 1980 Toyota Corona, which I named Myrtle and called "Myrt" for short. My husband made fun of me for naming her. So, when I got my Dodge, I didn't name it. Recently, hubby bought me a used (but new to me) van. It is such a step up from the old Dodge that I call her "Liza", after Eliza Doolittle, because I felt she was "too good fer th' likes o' me!"

MeL - Yes, after Desilu Productions. I toyed with Dezzy Trib, but that's kind of clunky. After eyeing it for a few seconds, I thought that Dezzy would look better as Desi, and what went with Desi better than Lucy? Ba-ba-LOOO!

Brian B: how about Mojito? No, scrach that. I meant Mojave. Gobi?

My first car, a '73 LeMans purchased in 1990: Bessie
Second car, which had been my grandmothers, a '74 Olds: Matilda
Third car, which had been my mothers, a '88 Celebrity wagon: no name

None of my cars since has had a name. They have just refused to tell me what it was ...

Homechicken, you're rather new, aren't you? Welcome to the blog!

More poetry

Dualing Poets Classic

My car's name is POS.

Desert Metallic: By which you mean, rusted?

I'm going to name it Kikkoman. After our businessman from the airport.

While I like the idea of "letting something marinate" (see the movie Kissing Jessica Stein). I think that the guy on the cell phone did not use the idea properly.

I've certainly called my cars various things, but never names, exactly.

At an Eddie Bauer store once, I saw a pair of sunglasses I liked and wanted to know if prescription lenses could be put in them. When I asked the salesman, "Are these optical quality?" he replied (in earnest), "I don't know, you'd have to ask your obstetrician."

I guess I was, I dunno, glowing, at the time, or something.

congratulations.

Maybe he was just expressing his poetic soul in the midst of a heartless airport. Or maybe he is a chef, or foods editor for a major culinary magazine.

And I think the car should be called Mary Nate.

That is all.

My daddy always told me that it is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you are stupid than to open it and let them know you are stupid. I think the guy in the airport needs to be given this advice.

Poor Dave is at the airport again? No one should be sujected to that place more than twice a year!

Brian B, I think that you should name your new car as a tribute to some one or something that you admire - Elwood Blues, OR you could pay tribute to your favorite dessert as a play of words on the color - Carmel, or both - Carmel Elwood.

Rubber Biscuit

I very much miss my mint green 1989 Nissan Maxima, her name was Mimi.
My current car is a beige Camry, it is kind of a dork, I was worried for a while that his name was "Lester" or something. Finally I named it Quincy, which all of my friends object to because they say cars should all have female names.
Therefore i wish to take a poll: Can cars be given male names?

Sure, though we'd wonder about the soundess of the vehicle if you choose Bob or George ...

Andrea's suggestion was creative: Mary Nate.

Bob B

Is your car male or female. If your not sure, name it Pat.

Naming a car is no easy task
you don't want to get it wrong

I know what your thinking "Why?" you ask
and I am reminded of that old song

"a Boy Named Sue" - he grew up bitter
his moniker was surely to blame

Joe or Bob would have been fitter
a rose by any other name...

so in choosing a name you must use care
relax, perhaps even meditate

But excersize caution, and beware,
it is improper to marinate.

Marinate comes from the root "marine" and originally meant, in the early sailing days, "to prepare for use at sea." So, in this guy's case, Bob clearly meant for George to don a helmet, a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and a mattress before reading the e-mail.

MOTW: Sorry - I was in meeting all morning - didn't mean to leave you by yourself. Thanks for carrying the torch for literary silliness.

Kalyani - Of course cars can have male names, if they're male cars. I once had a 1989 Horizon named Calvin, and a 1990 Civic named Grover. I also learned to drive on a possessed pickup truck called Damian.

For unknown reasons, someone tried to name my 1995 Blazer "The Beast." It didn't stick.

Okay, I had a '72 Nova named Virginia. Ever since then all my cars have been named Robert. I don't know why.

I have a car named Ladybug, but she really looks like a ladybug. I call her lady for short and I treat her like one too. She's adorable, and no, she isn't made by Volkswagen.
You just have to get to know your car. I used to have a car named The Omnivore, but that's because it was an Omni, and it wasn't omnipotent nor omniscient so the only other Omni I could think of was omnivore.
Oh, and i have a pointy-haired boss who does almost no work but instead tells stories about baseball (his son's, his, the MLB's; everyone's baseball). If you have the gall to bring up something non-baseball related in his prescence, he will within a matter of nanoseconds have concocted in his baseball obsessed brain a way to steer the conversation toward baseball. He is unstoppable. We all try to think of things to talk to him about that can't possibly be tied to baseball, be we have all failed. I know that was somewhat off topic, but I had to share.

So, Amber, you treate her like a lady. Do you give her flowers?

John - Yes, and I constantly reassure her that her butt is not too big.

She asks if the chrome makes her look fat?

mudstuffin - Thanks for helping out. Glad you're back.

*puts another bandage on fingers, takes some more Tylenol*

John - yeah, she heard that reflective material could make you look wide. Fashion mags really aren't for cars, but I can't make her understand.

Well, obviously, you can call your car whatever you want, but I believe the rule is (whose rule? don't ask me) that all vehicles (cars, boats) are feminine.

Reminds me of an old Rodney Dangerfield joke:

How do you know cars are like women? Because how many times (with a car or a woman) on a cold winter morning, when you really need it, she won't turn over.

(Thank you, great crowd.)

Bangi_G: does that mean he'll be 'Quickie' for short?

What is it about gold Camrys? Mine is definitely female, but refuses to be named, and after five years, I have given up. I am desperate to get a Mini Cooper... license plate MAXIMUM... call her Maxi... get her painted hot pink. Oh yes! My first car was a 1968 Toyota Corona named Blue Magoo. I loved that car. Next car, 1989 Toyota Tercel, no name, but definitely male. Then the 1989? can't remember Nissan Pathfinder... named Miles because it was very high miles... 287,000+ on the original engine before the frame developed cancer and I sold it for $1000, running away fast. :-)

Brian,

I think that Orlando would be a good name for the following reasons.

1. The car will be so impressed at being named after a star, it will run better and keep itself cleaner.

2. It would be a great pick-up line. You can always say "Sure,I know Orlando Bloom. In fact he is in the parking lot now. Would you like to meet him?"

3. Then you know if you have met a "keeper". If she laughs and really enjoys the joke, you have a chance. If not, you know she just liked you for your Hollywood connections and can move on because she is just a "user".

Great suggestions all.

Some of my favorites so far:

Rommel (suggested by Lenore as well as a friend of mine)
Kikkoman
Quicksand

So, uh, where is this Thumper now ... Any chance I could take him for a test drive?

Car names some wisacre put together

Punky, well put. Maybe if you knew other men (he said slyly).

Lily, Orlando made me think "Tony" not "Bloom" so be careful!

I always liked "the car." I heard some kid telling some store clerk his mom went to get to get her checkbood from "the mercedes."

(well, la-dee-frickin'-dah!)

Bob: Did you marinate upon it?
George: No, I haven't had a chance, I was too busy masticating

Well, "k" is on the same row as "d" anyway

The Marinated Emails wbagnfarb.

MKJ: The names page reminds me of the old airline joke, where Sabena (Belgian Airlines) was supposed to stand for "Such a Bad Experience, Never Again."

Oh, and I can't believe I've never commented on your name: W.C. Fields is THE MAN!

Lets see, we've had some strange car names in my family...

My first car was a jeep - we called him "The General"

My uncle's car was a baracuda that he painted bright yellow - hence the "bananacuda"

My sister's Tracker is Jarod...we don't know why, but she spends an awful lot of time with him

Come to think of it, my parents told me they had an old Model A Ford they named "Puddle Jumper."

Brian B.
one must name a car or one cannot properly curse or plea with them when they fail to start. i once had a car named "Murphy" after the law. a metallic desert colored car seems like a Pyrite to me. and we once had a Volvo and i wanted a license plate of "505050". (think Latin)

Brian B: I'm surprised there's even this much discussion. The name is obvious. "Dave"! (Oops. Did I get something brown on my nose?)

MOTW: Poetry CLASSIC? Classic?! Can we take a vote on that?

Wouldn't you love to run into Dave at an airport and people watch? Which irritating group will make a column first: loud airport cell phone talkers or lying crapweasels?

Jeff

W.C. Fields fans are a dwindling lot I'm afraid.

Oh, how about "Otis Cribblecotis" for the car's name?

(another W.C. Fields pen name that I have cribbed on occasion for Internet use)

SOme friend's cars:

A '64 Ford Fairlane - "the poorlane"
A Pontiac Aster - "dis-aster"
A mustang (one with a four-banger) "the gelding"
A Karmen-Ghia - "the cockroach"
MY gold Camry - "Robert"

All these car names, wow!

I never even got around to naming my cat. Except for "kitty."

One of many. I'm sure mudstuffin would wish to post his own, of course. Or anyone else.

Sheesh, Garret. Chill. It's not like I'm declaring a One Poet Blog-State, you know.

Dodge Dynasty - die nasty

I once had a gaint trash can full of ice and beer named Dave. Everyone loved Dave.

*sniff*

88 Olds Omega - named "Enid"
90 Chevy Chevette - called "Betsy"
95 Geo Prizm - "Ratbag"

So yes, you can have cars named for females. Don't we all know a Ratbag or two?

Name a Bear

Sorry, MOTW. I love poetry as much as the next uncultured pig-slob male.

But what's next, mimes? I don't think anybody wants that!

Another good variation on a W.C. Fields name would be Car LeFong (capital C, small A, small R, etc.).

Suppose a group of bloglits (guys, by definition) bandied up and showed up incognito at one of the random airports Dave visits, and then made a point to spout out ridiculous things at full volume while pretending to talk on a cell phone, all within clear earshot of Dave. No sooner than Dave frantically scribbled what he'd just heard for the purposes of a blog item, the crew would encircle him and go, 'Smile, Dave, you're on Bloglit Camera!' (an ensuing foolish dance would be optional).

Possible? Likely? Look at the bright side, he should be easy to spot inside even large terminals, with the lobster-helmet-shirt-sunglasses getup and all.

If a scene even remotely resembling this scenario appears in the Guide to Guys film, I'll have a pretty good guess as to where the inspiration came from.

it sounds like your car is colored similarly to my dog, a Weimaraner. My two Weims have been Sophie and this one is Ruby. I considered Mabel for Ruby but she turned out too robust for that name. Feel free to take one or more of those for your car should one strike your fancy :)

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. Her full name (the name on her registration papers) is actually Ruby of Omicron Persei 8 (from Futurama). My boyfriend thought that would be hilarious, so there you have it.

Bloglits incognito? I'm picturing ten guys all with those Groucho glasses/nose/mustache thingys.

I think if a bunch of bloglits stalked Dave to the airport, he'd have his beefy security detail take us to the basement and rough us up.

Garret: You pickin' on my lady?

1983 Mazda GLC -- Erp (first three letters on the license plate and the occasional odd sound it made)
1988 Bonneville -- Cutie (after the first two letters on the license plate)
1988 Ram 350 Van -- Beatrice the White Elephant, who will hit 155,555 miles on the way home tonight.

For the vehicle in question, if the car seems clueless on how to operate what it is in charge of, call it "Rumsfeld"

mudstuffin: Your lady a mime?
Bangi: Ow! *rubs butt ... can't get Bangi's rhyme out of his head for the rest of the week*

All the poetry is lovely. Just don't start miming (mimeing - sp?)

Brian B

Congratulations! That was one of the most remarkable threadjack I have ever seen! I can't even remember what we were supposed to talking about. Hmmm, I don't know why exactly, but I think a good name for your car would be "The Marinator".

No threat of that - I lost a cousin to a cave-in and my dad died from black-lung disease. I'll never get near them mines.

What?

Oh, um never mind.

BMX3, "Threadjack" sounds like a very good name for a Dave Barry Bloglit Rock Band!

Anybody wanna marinate on that? :-)

My friend's car tried to kill her so we named it Christine.

My sister had an old mustard-colored Dodge Dart named Marigold, and a VW Rabbit named Woundwort.

Mike,
that car could be named, el dorko grande.

A car my uncle gave my brother - the rust bucket
1970 Ford Torino - the ghetto sled
2000 Ford Excursion - the exxon valdez

We had a Ford Bronco for a while, it was lovingly dubbed: The Ford Valdez.

Remember those dinky "Le Car"s?

We had a '77 green Ford station wagon. One of those huge, indestructible ones.

In white letters on the side, we painted "Le Tank." Soonafter, it was destroyed in a head-on collision.

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