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April 28, 2004


Now they want to take away our precious constitutional right to annoy squirrels.


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Squirrels have rights too!

Let me be the first to say it: Squirrel Annoyance wbagnfarb!

Let me be the first to say it: Squirrel Annoyance wbagnfarb!

Ve vill rid vorld of Squirrel.

Squirrels at my college are so unmolested that you have to alter your path, or they'll let you step on them. Not that I condone molesting squirrels.

Squirrels. Council Bluff's most precious natural resource.

"Why not pack up the whole family and come to Council Bluffs this summer? You'll come for the adventure, but stay for the squirrels."

From the second story: "Fish, Insults, Bullets and Candy" wbagnfarb

How many squirrels would it take to eat a teenager, anyway? (I've always wondered)

Punky, you know I love ya, and this is just a guess, but I think maybe the difference is that these squirrels weren't trying to eat youths...

Black squirrels huh. Sounds like a job for the ASPCA, PETA, NAACP and the ACLU.

Did anyone read the story farther down about Big Bird giving the commencement speech at Villanova?

It's only a matter of time, I tell you, before the squirrels Attack! (Visual of Kevin McCarthy on a bridge trying to stop traffic). And you'll never suspect until it's too late....

Squirrels can kiss my shiny metal pellet gun.

I don't mind them as long as they are not in my yard, stealing pecans and harassing the dog (do they get fined? NOOOOOO). Tree rats are a blight in our neighborhood right now, made worse by the little old ladies feeding the even worse blight of birds (mainly grackles and crows...ugh). The gutters run thick with squirrel carcasses and the cars have been bombed to the detriment of everyone's paint.

$325? The squirrels weren't harmed! Maybe if he killed a bunch, I could see a big fine. One of the things you can be fined for is "repeatedly threatening" them...does that mean you can threaten them once for free? What if you just chant "I'm gonna squash you and take your nuts..." over and over at them?

Garret Analysis:
(or “what I learned from this story is . . ." see eyelid thread)

1) If you hope to molest squirrels, make it look like an accident and the law cannot touch you. Also, if you wish to “threaten” a squirrel, don’t do it repeatedly. Once or twice ought to do. Know your limit.

2) The “squirrel world” has oddities.

3) The Council Bluffs Police Sgt. Keith Jones not only enforces squirrel safety, but also monitors black squirrels “in other places.” [mental note, see if CB Police Department is hiring]

4) Whether squirrels in Council Bluffs need “medical treatment” is newsworthy.

"Originally Council Bluffs was noted nationwide for having black squirrels."

"Noted nationwide?" Never saw that note. Incidentally, I was once told that Grosse Pointe, MI was the only place in the U.S. with black squirrels. Or maybe it was the squirrels were the only black in Grosse Pointe.

I do see them around and about Washington DC . . . black squirrels, that is. In fact, watched in semi-horror as one almost got run down in Connecticut Avenue by a metro bus. Actually was more concerned with my proximity to the event rather than the event itself. Not sure how far bus-squished squirrel travels and didn't want to ruin my suit.

"Bus-Squished Squirrels" wbagnfarb, if I do say so myself.

Squirrels? You know, I hate em. Always have - always will

I live in Council Bluffs. When you live here, you hear about how the things are protected and you can't hurt them. Of course, we've always wondered about the suicidal ones. The ones that harass dogs, run in front of cars...

With regard to the fish story below the squirrel story...
Q: Crappies?

You've never had a crappie? Some people like them, but I think they taste like crappie.

(Actually, it's pronounced more like "crop-pees", at least here)

The guy's name is Billy G. Cates. Surely that has something to do with it.

I like squirrels! I have one bird feeder for the birds, and one squirrel feeder for the squirrels. They are so cute!

"There was no indication the squirrel was injured in the incident, and no medical treatment was sought."
...although the squirrel may need therapy later on in life.

Laws against harrassing black squirrels is all fine and good, but when is some municipality going to tackle the issue of pigeon safety? There must be a law against these people who feed the pigeons all kinds of unhealthy things like popcorn and *gasp* white bread with bleached and processed flour.

And the feeding of peanuts. People, what are you thinking? One of those birds might have a peanut allergy! Get out and vote to stop this dangerous practice.

punky sez: "I know, I know ... I'm just a little bitter about them killing the bear instead of relocating it."

I'm guessing you just have a thing for big, hairy animals that threaten juvenile delinquents. *motions to his analyst's couch* Tell me about your experiences with law enforcement from your youth. . . .

"Squirrels In Therapy" wbagnfarb...so would "Peanut-Allergic Pigeons"...


You should see the squirrels at a campground we go to at the Jersey shore. I've seen smaller dogs. They are very clever and once chewed frantically through our plastic food box until they could reach a loaf of bread. They also ate a basket of cherries and spit the pits into our shoes and dragged a box of donuts onto our canopy and ate them up there, leaving only crumbs. We have learned to lock up all the food.

"There was no indication the squirrel was injured in the incident, and no medical treatment was sought."

Do the squirrels have to seek medical treatment? What kind of coverage do they have, is there something like Squirrel and Rodent Blue Cross? Do they have dental too?

If you can't throw stuff at them then how do you feed them?? Squirrels haven't overrun our yard because the cats choose to kill as many baby squirrels and birds as they can during spring. It's so very wrong! Especially when they bring them to you as a gift.

Bangi_Gurl? Did you give yourself points for cybersex on the test? ;-)

By the way, the only thing I can add to the infinite stupidity of the average squirrel was with my previous old female kitty.

She liked to sleep out in the backyard in the sun. One squirrel would constantly harrass her even though all she wanted to do was sleep. One day, I went out and found this squirrel belly-up in the yard. I got a shovel to pick it up with, but decided to poke it gently first to make sure it was dead. That squirrel bolted up out of it's paralysis, unharmed, and broke the sound barrier to get up the nearest tree! My guess is one time too many and my old girl decided she'd had enough and braced the little bugger!

It's a well-known fact (at least in Grosse Pointe and East Lansing, MI) that the reason black squirrels are traditionally rare is that they are apparently lacking in the intelligence genes possessed by Squirrels of a Different Color (gnfarb, I think). Thus the tendancy on their part to appear suicidal by running in front of cars, taunting large and dangerous predators such as dogs and children, and love for chewing on power lines.

It would appear that Council Bluffs merely took the initiative in protecting these intellectually challenged creatures. Isn't that what we Americans tend to do? Protect the morons at the expense of others?

Top 10 ways to annoy squirrels:

10. Throw unhealthy snacks at them
9. Wait until the last second to avoid stepping on them
8. Raise their Blue Cross premiums
7. Feed them un-pitted cherries

They spit the pits in your shoes?! That's adding insult to injury...

#6 Fake acorns!!!!!

5. Roast their nuts.

4. Let Doug Brockmeier post on their blog

2. Tell them the Easter Bunny and Santa claus
are fake.

1. Chew off their eyelids

chew off their eyelids?

As a Giant Squirrel, I say "Ha!"

Are Giant Squirrels related to giant snails?

Garret, in answer to your last question re: "Dave Thanks", I don't think so and I did re-explain my issue today in the MOAT. 'Nough said for me.

Bangi_Gurl, yeah I can handle flames ;-) My kitty's squirrel apparently hadn't evolved enough to figure out that she was still bigger, just wanted to sleep, and she didn't leave a mark on him.

Thanks for warming up my coffee though! :-)

gfunk, my best friend and I are Giant Squirrels. Last year we climbed a tree and someone called the university police, who came and told us to get down because the tree was on university property and we could sue them if we got hurt. We didn't get in any real trouble, and as we were walking away we heard the officer call us in on his radio as "two giant squirrels" which was perfect because we already had an inside joke about squirrels. So we've been the Giant Squirrel duo ever since.


No mockery here. Flattery and props only (read my initial flattery in the eyelid thread).

We've got some of the black squirrels around the lakes here. They don't appear to be any dumber than the average squirrel. AFAIK, there's no laws protecting them, but they're only in danger of being hit with empty beer cans that aren't thrown all that well, anyway.

*basking in Bangi_girls warmth*

Cool! So we have white, black and brown squirrels in Austin! How say's we're not racially integrated.

Um, Who says... Yes, I do lie awake at night wonder if there's a dog.

TxGal: Albino Squirrels wbagnfarb.

This was some dumb 18 year old. Without going back to check who said it, I agree that if he killed a few, yes fine him, but for letting his dog tease them a little? Come on, how PC is this country getting when you can't even tease the squirrels?

By the way, COuncil Bluffs must have a very successful breeding and relocation program since we have black squirrels in New York too.

Hey that evolution stuff works fast. As soon black squirrels become protected somewhere, pretty soon, they are everywhere.

Where I come from we shoot squirrels, we don't annoy them. Though catching a .22 bullet in the head might be considered annoying to some...

All your squirrel are belong to us...

But almost a century later, black America's main problem is neither overt racism doesn't condemn African Americans to failure.

The running joke that is easy to do. I think he's a friend of Jesse's. He said, I figured out that belief went, when it came time to make a difference. Bosnia? Rwanda? East Timor? Read up on that has had a record that there is absolutely no bias whatsoever against them. The burgeoning of the latter: .I....A.and Wildstorm and a host of other superhero comic books were always so hyped up about great caviar-and-cheese fests like to hear those questions debated on that, they should not. Applause.

We Love you Dave Barry. Keep the Sarcasm and Humor going.

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