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March 25, 2004

JEALOUS RADIO GUY EXPRESSES COLUMN ENVY

(Thanks to John Webster)

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He's no Dave Barry.

Also, since when do two guys refer to themselves as 'I'. Or is that one guy and his middle name is an ampersand? And when did assin' become a verb?

Oh how I love lazy people.....as if assin' around on the radio wasn't easy enough...this guy wants to be assin' around on a computer instead. There's only one Dave Barry.....maybe if Dave died this guy could try and be as witty and entertaining and fill his shoes, but I highly doubt that is possible.

you know, the guy could get a mic in his house and ass around on his mic while still on the couch watching tv (with the mute thing)...

that does sound better than assing about on the computer. I'm really like assing about as a way of describing what I do for work (at less than a jillion dollars / hour btw).

when my boss comes by and asks what I'm doing, I'm going to tell him assing about, we've already had our performance reviews this quarter so that can't hurt.

actually, I thought the guy was sorta funny, and he's right, that would be a good name for a rock band, but no he didn't make it up, I've heard it before.

S

I'd say that the assin around on the computer all day seems to apply to most of the bloggers. Present company excluded of course. And the judy_the_shill_blogger. Dave seems to busy trapsing around airports and being kissed up to at events to be assin around computer. In my host humble observation. If this is what the jealous lout aspires to, more power to 'em.

Sounds like he has risen to his level of incompetence already, and certainly isn't going to compete with Dave.

Wait, that didn't come out right.

Our judi was smart enough to beat him to the job. The position is filled.

Where do you live that stupidity is hard to come by?
(I know, but I liked it better this way.)
And I still resent the implication that I might be normal, though MeL may be.

ah... america. don't we all dream of a day when all we have to do to make money is sit around and ass on our computers? wait... isn't that what *we* do here every day? life is good.

that guy is almost bitter enough to replace the angry dwarf.

If they can be 'I,' then can judi refer to herself as 'we'? Remember what they say makes a good team -- "there's no 'i' in 'judi,' except for the one at the end."

I share that man's dream. Don't we all, really?

I ditto MeL.

They do different stuff here (I will always still be in high school), movie character day, multiplicity day, can't recall the others. But then, in small-town Texas high school, every day is a combination of cowboy day and Britney day.

And now I can't even spell my anagram, but that had a nice southwestern flair.

Did I forget to sign my name to that? Thanks for the link Dave and the pat on the back. And thanks for the kind words, those of you who offered them. To Mel and Lee? I banish you from the internet.

Yesterday some company was giving out free laundry bags in front of the student union, and some guys from the crazy cult residence hall started making dresses out of them. In the end, there were three guys in various types of skirts and dresses, and a girl (me) in a skirt and a top in which one good breeze would have revealed everything . . . So naturally we went out to welcome a tour group composed of highschoolers and their parents. It was quite fun.

Dave, my question is, why did you release your pay info to this man/duo? Either that, or he's a potential stalker. I mean, he KNEW you made a jillion dollars an hour.

It's just creepy that he was able to divulge that level of paycheck detail.

Awwww, quit assin' around with us John. ;-) We all want Dave or Judi's job!

MeL, I hope Ham was a different gender than Wheat and Rye.

Back when I was in high school (here in Texas,) and Britney was still wearing hip-hugger diapers, every day was still CowBritney Day.

Yeah pixie!
Where do you go to school so that i can enroll there also? Sounds like it's be a swell time!

Swell? Where the h*ll did that come from??????

Thanks, MeL, but sadly I can't really take credit for the laundry bag fashion show- I just happened by at the right time and requested an outfit, which one of the guys kindly designed. It was my idea to climb the tree last year, though, and it was pretty cool until the college police officer showed up! He said we (my best friend and I) had to get down because if we hurt ourselves we could sue the university, but we weren't in real trouble. And he gave us a nickname when he reported back on his walkie-talkie, so in addition to being an evil little pixie, I am also a giant squirrel. :-)

Mmmmmmmm, kinky...

Be sure to stay off the cricket field (court? range?) pixie!

Thanks, Cadgeek. Unfortunatly, my school also involves classes, so I have to go now, but I mentioned our mascot in the comments of the post about the chicken, so you should be able to figure out who we are from there. Here's another clue: bye y'all!

Hearing you people (And I include the unfunny possible siamese twins who wrote the column) talk about what Dave means to you and how much you wish you could get paid for "assin'" around on the computer makes me vomit for the future of mankind.

How's the weather in South Carolina, pixie?

Future Vomit would make a good rock band name. Maybe Assin' Future Vomit

Wow! I'm number 1 and number 50! I have no life...

The weather in south carolina is 72 and sunny with a slight breeze. All kinds of crap is blooming all around me, like the picture on a greeting card. Way better than wherever the hell you're from where it is too hot/cold/cloudy/rainy/near you.

Skippy:

Just wait until summer. Columbia SC: city in the center of a sand bowl attempting to turn into glass through sun fusion.

go tigers!

We're ridin' the Vomit Comet to Hell, Skippy. You are now officially on board.

Punky, I know that wasn't directed at me, but "Thank you" from the bottom of my pea pickin' heart. Looking at it like that makes me feel much better about the way my day is goin'. I will prevail tho.

Well, at least now I know the difference between "wacky" and "funny."

No! Punky! You gotta be you! I mean Punkyvision is this close to being a done deal!

MeL, I dittoed:

"Texans are more normal than the rest of the population of America. At least from my observations".

Pixie might make a decent honorary Texan.

Thanky Con! We all appreciate ya'lls compliments!
Pixie's more than welcome down here! And Punky and Con and Dave and judi....Aw, what they heck, all of ya'll come on down and we'll have us a big BBQ with all the fixins! Howdy and thanks for those fish headed guys....

No! Punky! You gotta be you! I mean Punkyvision is this close to being a done deal!

It's done, eadn! (See chicken thread)

I bet Willie will come and Jerry Jeff Walker will show up just for tha' beer.

That wasn't even funny. He should stick to his dumb radio. This guy is why I'm not in favor of gun restrictions.

All you need is some of that funny tabbacor and old Willie 'ill show up faster than pussycat in the dogfighten' pit..

Looks like we'll need to make this the PunkyVision company BBQ - ya'll bring that chicken with ya!

Found it! Found it! WaytaGo Con! Nothin' like a lil slice of Heaven in Hell :-) I'd dance too, but my pants fell down....

Ted, Ted, Ted...why so tense? Maybe it's your coffee!

Ya barbecued me on the chicken post, Con ;-) Figured since the party's here, I'll leave my legend at the door. Gotta make room for PunkyVision in 3-D!

That's a marvelous idea! A FAN CLUB! But I can't have a fan club before Dave has one. Dave doesn't have one, does he? Not an official one, not to my knowledge at least. But at some point, I didn't even know who Dave Barry is, so trusting my knowledge at any time is the same as going to a Ghirardelli with Roseanne Barr and asking her not to eat anything unhealthy.

Trivia: What is Dave's (real) middle name?

yeah. the idea of working a 9-5 for the rest of my life is REALLY unappealing. i wish i was naturally as amusing and literate as dave (with the life-saving help of judi) so that i could do what he does.

I just came, basically becasue I'm at my science walk, this is a nice place to get away from the people all around me. I haven't read any of the comments but all I would like to say that I'm pretty sure Dave Barry doesnt, "sit around all day assin on the computer," becasue a.both my parents are former journalists and worked at the Miami Herald, and b. I tried writing a column (a very short one) but it was very hard, and then I had to make it funny...

South Padre is prime right now. It's not too hot yet and Spring Break season is just ending. I'll show you off... uh, I mean I'll show ou around ;)

rottweiler, you are goin' down! Although I suppose Dave's blog is neither the time nor place. . . and how unfair was it to strike while I was in class! Fortunately it's a class on the history of magic and witchcraft, so I can dig up a hex for you.

GO COCKS!

YeeHaa! Beach Blanket Bar-B-Q! I'm in! MeL, stop by Austin on the way down and we can ride together!

>>I read your columns and often like them.

This is my friends speaking not me
- if you listen to jazz and blink then there is something seriously wrong with you and you need to move on from this station cuz were gonna make sure only good jazz is played, if at all.
-rememeber, that was my friend (who happens to be a guy) not be, I'm not responsible for anything he says, and appropriatly, we don't share the same views

You bet! We'll take my Jeep - it's been wanting to visit the beach...

HEERE! evil little pixie! ;-) Ya done captured me way back, down, and below even! MeL put in an upstanding recommendation for you, your boohbahs were all in order, and Your Own Entrancing Self on The Blog have already motivated me to preserve you a room at my condo on the lakeshores of Hell :-)

Dunno if you check back on previous comments, but I don' wanna miss a thiing of what you got dear Lass!

P.S. If all that seems strange, just check in with any other regular member for my "subtleties" of the language....

just work at a computer comp like i do and you can ass around your computer all day. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work. in an unrelated issue, how far is Luckenbach from austin?

Aw Beanster, I just checked into your blog on the off-off. You do have my sympathies! I was your age once too, jest don' wanna remember it for the Hell I've been through afterward. Really though, You Will Make It Through!!!!

And if you don't believe me, well, I didn't spend a whole lot of time on your blog just 'cause I wanna keep my own can o' worms buried, Thanks!

Absolutely! I am not trying to insult at ALL! If it will help I remember a B. Kliban cartoon once showing an old man, cane and baseball cap, pointing off in the distance, and saying "It was Hell!, recalls former child. Been there, done that, survived the T-shirt...so will YOU! Take Care!

Jen - about 80 miles Austin to Luckenbach. South Padre is almost 400 miles. But the beach is so much more fun! Are you in Austin too? Do you work at the big blue three letter company or the big blue four letter company?

punk, close enough in spirit my friend. we even got a dude who hoards staples(and various office accoutrement). god help you if you touch his staplers!

lee, i would never diclose that kind of infomation! i have to much interest in keeping my skin whole and intact(and i just KNOW there are camera's on me right now)
ps. blue four

To go back to the topic here, ( What the hell am I saying, ME on topic?) Disk Jockeys have one of the ultimate assin' around jobs. They do there schpeel on the radio for 4 to 5 hours, which consists of talking every 7 to 10 minutes, and playing a canned playlist. Even IF they want to bring a modicum of originality to the show, the internet is where they mostly get their bits from. SO they really work maybe 6 hours a day, if you can call listenin' to music and runnin' your yap 'work'. I know this cause my cousin is a radio DJ.

Now , off topic. Does anyone know a good travel agent to hook me up with a trip from down town Hades for this BBQ in South Padre?
They have to work with Lucifer Airport and get me miles on my Eternally Damned Airlines card.

MeL! But I don't wanna be so obscure I'm missed!

jen, I'll keep your secret! I was just afraid we might bring down the company if we worked at the same place. As luck would have it, I work at the other one - so we might be safe.

I'll put the back seat in my jeep and you can join the road trip!

Yep - there's a big blue four. Very famous in Austin.

lee,oh, dear. i've conversed with one from the other team. that's it, i'm done for. highest blasphemy in the eyes of the CEO.

MeL, well ya know I'm always late-to-the-gate....

Graz, keeping in my true form, I think you need to check in with Bangladeshi-Gurl. She's using frequent flyer miles too.

Lee, though I hear the call of a damsel-in-distress (jen) I will withhold my tarnished armor for your own knighthood.

P.S. Always remember if I don't have room in my Hellish condo, maybe Graz will put you up for the night at the Hades Hilton.

Mel, I've tried them , but they only give double miles for trips to the Bowels of the Earth, and you have to use a Master-of-Demonification Card to get them.

Awww, well this southern belle(aka damsel) is simply CHARMED........but also certified in ju jitsu

HE IS RIGHT ABOUT THAT CALANDER.

....ok, not really, but i can give one hell of a mean eye-poke

Thanks for the heads-Up! Jen! This tarnished knight will still defer to the Honorable Lee for grace (not to mention some sortof ju jitsu eye-poke from Your Feistyness! ;-) After all, I still worry about MeL's howitzers and that she can lift 186 pounds, no problem! Hell, I only weigh 190 or so.

It's all fun and games until someone pokes (and gets poked ;-) with that third blind eye....

Truly honorable of you, Sir eadn! You are, indead, a knight worthy of the round table! I'll send your coconuts immediately. FYI, I've had a room reserved down there for a long, long time...

Fear not, fair jen, you will find no need to use your fearsome Holy Eye-Poke. But this situation reminds me of something:

Jen, Oh Jen! Wherefor work thou there... What’s in a big blue name? That which we call a system by any other name would crash as frequently! So Jen would, were she not Jen call’d, retain that dear perfection which she owes without that title. Jen, doff thy workplace! And for that job, which is no part of thee, take all myself.

woo-hoo for soccor chics! and a blind third eye? my you sound like some poor character from a Grimm's fairytale ;o)

0k, woo-hoo for stupid soccer chics who can't spell!!

Lee, can i just say wow. i feel like i was on my way to a career advancement class, took a wrong turn and ended up at the Renassaince Fair.

MeL, Sweet Dreams are made of this! :-)

jem, 'scuse me, jen, otherwise known as the Democratic one-eyed Senator from the South ;-) Nuttin' grim here I'd like to think...!

Best Wishes, Lee, just tryin' to keep my armor from rusting!

Is this the same John webster that used to be on in Cleveland, OH with John Lanigan? The two of them were very funny, but I haven't heard of Daniels.

I am pretty sure that I have never heard of the verb "assin'", but it sounds like something that would be fun to learn, possibly as a new dance?

Woohoo for soccer chicks in general.

Then I bid thee welcome to the Fair, Fair Lady Jen! You have not one, but two armored knights to protect your virtue and provide for your entertainment! (Hmmm. Those might be conflicting goals...) As Lady Jessica proposes, I think we should develop a new, stately dance. And name it "assin." (Best use of the term "assin" to date!)

Does beer make armor rust?

Ya'll just park you Assin Future Vomit Comet to Hell out back!

Eadn where you the guy I bumped into in the dark the other night? I though we had woke her up with all the beer cans that I had left there fallin' over.

all soccer chics, those with superior usage of Shakesperian metaphors, and 3 eyed shadow lurkers,ect. i must bid adeu. they have come for me you see. oh, sure, under the guise of "excel spreadsheet project" but i know better.

Wouldn't it be hilarious if every single one of these people was actually just me disguising my name? The world may never know.

I make perfect sense almost 100% of the time, and the only time I don't, Thunderhood Saget and the Gorilla-Face Trio trumpet my lugubrious Zooping as much as humanly Smurfable.

Sorry, be back tonight to get those cleaned up. Can deposits in Michigan, ya know. Oh, and that paint should come off with soap and water. I hope;-)

Good-night, good-night! Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say good-night till it be morrow.

Mel - sorry! It's a mix of Shakespeare, Monty Python and Holy Grail, random Ren Fair references and random blog references. I don't really understand it myself.

I'm sneaking out under the cover of darkness - see you guys later...

I get that a lot...

oh.holy.jesus. ren fair? monty python? how did my ex get in here???

oh, thankgod. he was to stupid to know shakespeare. *breathing easier* goodnight, all!

Um...nooo....it's not noticable from far away anyhow. :-}

*putting on best innocent look*

Thhhhuuuuuuuffffffffffppphhhh. Well, that was deflating! Now I really gone! ;-)

Ooops! Now I'm all inflated again! Gotta Go!

It appears some of the Python Players left and forgot to take their Holy Grail with them.

welll,MeL...it's kinda like this....oops, they're callin' me...gotta go back to work...talk to ya later. I can explain...really I can. I'll have figured out a story by..I mean, I'll tell ya the truth then....

Hi, Kids! Just finishing typing a l-o-n-g document for my third job. Gosh, y'all DO comment a lot OFF the subject, don't you? >wink

Hey MOTW...

It's okay if you don't like what I wrote. It's not okay to call someone you don't know a jerk. It makes you seem like a jerk. Save the apology though, I'm not going to toss and turn all night over it.

But I'm glad for your kid that he doesn't know you think his school report was "completely repetetive" (see "redundant") and boring, or did you mean it was that way after you helped?

Best,
John Webster

Actually, Mr. John Webster, you do seem like a jerk. Do you not read what you write? I sincerely hope that Dave Barry didn't actually waste five minutes of his life reading your article like I did. If you don't want to be criticized, keep your mid-life crisis--or whatever it is--to yourself.

Well that was an interesting article.

Wait a minute, no, it wasn't.

Wasn't Jeeves the butler who killed the gardener?

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