Dave Barry's Blog

THE KLAN: DUMBER THAN KANNED KORN?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to many people)

WHEN PEOPLE ASK THIS BLOG WHAT KIND OF MUSIC IT IS LISTENING TO

...this blog answers: Mushroom songs.

Key quote: "I think that every mushroom has its own idea which the Creator breathed into it."

(Thanks to Steve Richardson)

THOSE BASTARDS

Now they're using tiny frogs.

MORALS UPDATE

No doubt this guy was just doing undercover research.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Illegal Bologna

Key quote: "Children were sitting on top of the illegal load..."

(Thanks to Gretchen)

ATTENTION, EMPLOYERS LOOKING TO HIRE "CUSTOMER SERVICE" PERSONNEL

These are your guys.

(Thanks to Chris Kern)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using old public-address pranks.

(Thanks to Derek Breid)

EVER WONDER WHAT SANTA HAS IN HIS BAG?

Whatever it is, it makes Santa very happy.

(Thanks to Grayman)

GEUDA SPRINGS, KANSAS, TAKES ACTION

If they passed this law in Miami, it wouldn't change a thing.

(Thanks to Mary Hofmann)

WHEN PUTTY KNIVES (AND ICE CREAM SCOOPS) ARE OUTLAWED

...only outlaws will have putty knives (and ice-cream scoops).

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using deer.

(Thanks to Kelly Brown)

A VERY SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT FOR THE LADY ON YOUR LIST

Nothing says "Season's Greetings!" like the Magic Cone.

(Thanks to L. Muller)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

This blog certainly does not see anything the least bit suspicious about this.

(Thanks to Kay Thompson)

CRIMINAL OF THE YEAR

"Paint? What paint?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN

Spam Rage

(Thanks to Brad Hutchings)

WHY THE BRITISH ART COMMUNITY IS RESPECTED AROUND THE WORLD

Two words: Good taste.

(Thanks to many tasteful people)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A DEAL ON A PREGNANT HORSE

Look no farther.

Key quote: "There is not as much demand for pregnant horse urine as there used to be."

(Thanks to gretchencs)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Dog Food On Fire

(Thanks to Maria Fannuchi)

PEORIA TOILET OCTOPUS MYSTERY EXPLAINED

Whew.

Key quote: "Peorians can rest easy in their bathrooms."

(Thanks to Kevin Brown)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using toilet-dwelling octopi, which would be a good name for a rock band.

Key quote: "Peoria has one of the best sewer systems in Illinois."

(Thanks to Erik Varness and the indefatigable Mike Zlotnick)

LIBRARIANS FIGHTING CRIME

Cookbooks in Bettendorf, Iowa, are freed from the grip of terror.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

IF ONLY THEY COULD TAX JUST THE SPAMMERS...

I thought you'd like to know that the Senate is about to vote on the Internet Tax Moratorium. As you probably know, the moratorium is a bill permanently ensuring that states may not tax American consumers access to the Internet. This bill makes the current ban on Internet taxes permanent. There has been some confusion with a recent email tax hoax. This tax isn't a hoax, it's real and will happen if it isn't stopped. There is an Action Center set up to fax or email Senators in support of the permanent ban. -- Thanks for passing this info. along, Mitch Arnowitz marnowitz@yahoo.com

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY

...tho this motorist.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using parrots and ferrets.

(Thanks to Steve Richardson)

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE SAFETY VIDEO CONCERNING TURKEY FRYERS THIS YEAR

...make it this one.

This blog gives it two severely charred thumbs up.

(Thanks to Thomas McKiernan)

CELL-PHONE-IN-COFFIN-THEME APPEARED IN VISIONARY FRENCH FILM

...a very funny 1999 French film (yes, they can be funny, despite their fascination with Jerry Lewis movies) called La Bûche began with a scene in which a ringing cell phone at a funeral gets everyone digging their cell phones out until they all realize it's coming from the coffin. I remember laughing out loud when I saw, wondering how long it would be before it happened in real life. Now I know. Thanks for the link. -- Tim Dungan-Levant

REALITY TV HAS THE SAME EFFECT

Low self-esteem shrinks your brain.

(Thanks to Trevor Green)

ATTENTION, MEN

This is so scientific it's scary.

(Thanks to Bob Phillips)

I SAY, OLD CHAP: I'VE HAD A BLEEDING STROKE

Question: Did this woman also develop bad teeth?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

MODERN FUNERALS

"Whose cell phone is ringing?" "Not mine!" "Not mine either!" "Ohmigod, you don't suppose...."

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

IT MUST BE TRUE, BECAUSE IT'S IN PRAVDA

People live inside the Earth!

(Thanks to Josh Cheshire)

THIS IS JUST CRUEL

I'll bet I know what that "8" DOESN'T stand for. -- Tim Ledford

ATTENTION, SQUEAMISH PEOPLE

Whatever you do, do not click here.

(Thanks to Beth Schinstock)

IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO DRINK THREE BOTTLES OF VODKA IN 20 MINUTES, EVEN TO WIN A CONTEST?

No.

(Thanks to many, many people)

PHOBIA UPDATE

We have all suffered from this.

(Thanks to Craig Anderson)

WHAT ABOUT DRINKING LARGE AMOUNTS OF MILK?

That is also a bad idea.

(Thanks to gretchencs)

SHOULD PREGNANT WOMEN EAT GRASSHOPPERS?

No.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

UNTIL NOW, THIS BLOG WASN'T AFRAID OF IT AT ALL

...but suddenly, this is all we think about.

(Thanks to Michael van Huystee)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using car-hating turkeys.

Key quote: "He's a mad, mad turkey."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

MODERN BANK ROBBERS: DUMBER THAN GRAVEL?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

SONOMA TACKLES THE ISSUES

The people speak out on foie gras.

(Thanks to Tom Preston)

ATTENTION, NASAL-CONGESTION SUFFERERS

Here's a new medical treatment that will clear that right up.

(Thanks to Will Clarke)

SEX EDUCATION

If this doesn't persuade people to wear condoms, we don't know what would.

(Thanks to Brian Giovannini)

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 2,038

Santa is using pagers.

(Thanks to Ryan KcKeon)

OF ALL THE RESPONSES WE HAVE SEEN TO 9-11

...this is definitely one of the most, um, interesting.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

THEIR INTELLIGENCE LEVELS ARE ALSO COMPARABLE

Susan Greene notes that the skin tone of bodybuilders is remarkably similar to this.

ATTENTION, MALES WHO WISH, FOR PURELY SCIENTIFIC REASONS, TO SEE THROUGH CLOTHING

Remember these? Well, now they have these.

(Thanks to Jared McLain)

WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN

They want manliness.

(Thanks to Wendi Martin)

THE HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING SEASON IS COMING

...and nothing says "Merry Christmas!" like a Tornado Safe Bed.

(Thanks to Travis Smith)

DOCTORS SEPARATE MAN FROM PAY PHONE

This blog bets that both of them file lawsuits.

(Thanks to many people)