Dave Barry's Blog

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they want to take away our fundamental right to cook duck heads in convenience-store microwave ovens.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

ATTENTION, MOTORISTS

Never bagpipe and drive.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THINGS CANNOT GET ANY WORSE FOR THE SECOND-PLACE NEW YORK YANKERS

...you read a tragic story like this.

(Thanks to Maggie Davis)

PEACE IS AT HAND IN THE MIDDLE EAST

Soon there will be pigs on patrol.

(Thanks to HGR219 and Mark "Ra! Ra! A Lawn Monk!" Alan Rowan)

ATTENTION, SOUTH FLORIDA MOTORISTS

Remember: Yield to ferries.

SOMETIMES MODERN TECHNOLOGY IS AMAZING

And sometimes it's not.

(Thanks to Bill Lodge)

GOOD QUESTION

As I play the copter game for the umpteen millionth time (I can stop whenever I want!), I came up with a question. What kind of idiot knowingly flies a helicopter into a cave time and time again, knowing that there’s no way out and that he will crash and burn every time? Then, I realized the answer was “me.” Maybe we need to start a support group, “CA,” for “Copters Anonymous.” In that vein, please keep me anonymous.

OK, Steve.

WORKER PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

Here is an application that will enable you to make solid use of your cubicle time.

(Thanks to Skai Rusis)

FORGET THE NOBEL PRIZE

There is no scientific honor like a bobblehead honor.

(Thanks to Honour McCann)

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 2038

Star Wars Urinal Cakes

(Thanks to tmpt8neyes)

EVERYBODY IS WAITING FOR TWENTIES NOW

I don't know if you're still doing Urinal Penny updates or not, but when I was at my local mall over the week-end, a male friend of mine returned from the bathroom and said "The penny is now officially worth absolutely nothing!" When asked how he'd come to this conclusion, he said that there had been not one, but "a pile" of pennies in the urinal. Urinal pennies are everywhere! -- Artemis "A Stormier Worm" Morrow

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A SATURDAY-MORNING CARTOON SHOW

The Nasal Rangers

(Thanks to John Dodds)

ATTENTION, MOTORISTS

You can now take your Florida driver's license test online.

(Thanks to Brian Morgan)

GOOD NAME FOR A HEAVY METAL BAND

Toxic Megacolon

(Thanks to Paul Hepworth)

SCIENCE LUNGES FORWARD

Researchers achieve an important breakthrough in our knowledge of spider dating.

Key quote: "Hebets painted the legs of male spiders either brown or black with nail polish..."

(Thanks to Tiffanie Luckett and Maggie Davis and Charlotte Buckey) (All women, we cannot help but note)

BRITISH ART UPDATE

If Michelangelo were alive today, this would probably kill him.

(Thanks to Alyssa Harley)

ATTENTION, MUSIC FANS

The world-famous Rock Bottom Remainders will be performing in Austin, Texas on Saturday, November 8. So if you love good music, you will not be there. But everybody else should try to make it.

FINAL MR. SNAIL UPDATE, PROBABLY

My friend Gene Weingarten is a wonderfully funny columnist for the Washington Post, but he has one tragic flaw: He is a lifelong Yankees fan. Or so he appeared, until today, when he began his weekly chat with a sincere and heartfelt tribute to the Florida Marlins (you need read only the first few paragraphs, if you're busy). It must have been very difficult for Gene to print these words: I salute him for his courage and honesty, and welcome him to the Marlins' fold.

IT HAPPENS TO ALL OF US

You have a couple of drinks. Next thing you know, you're asking: I did what?

(Thanks to Russ Fletcher)

CYBERGENEROSITY

I'll be the first to send a cyber-twenty to the cyber-urinal. Oh, hell, I think I'll send a cyber-$100. -- Bob Hopf

HUMANITARIAN UPDATE

Hey, give us enough beer, and you can take our kidneys, too.

(Thanks to numerous people)

CRIME IN JAPAN

We are certain there is a perfectly logical explanation for this.

(Thanks to about 440 people)

IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN: THE CYBERURINAL

Hey Dave!� Long time listener (since I'm blind, the term "reader" doesn't quite fit), first time caller. We've been watching and listening at work, with perhaps a bit too much interest, as the urinal penny discussion has unfolded.� (No, we're not bored telemarketers; we're an agency for the blind.)� When the amount of money shot up to $20 (the new $20 bills to be precise), frankly we became a little disturbed. We also followed the concerns of those who feared the spreading of germs. Putting all this together, we decided what the world needed was a cyberurinal, where people could feel free to leave money for someone to pick up, without geographic limitations, and without the fear of spreading germs.� What a concept! -- Brad Martin

ATTENTION, AIRLINE PASSENGERS ON FLIGHTS OUT OF MIAMI

Watch out.

(Thanks to Glen Ford)

ANOTHER EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Hopeless Teeth

(Thanks to Traffic Dude Eric Taylor)

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for... Jelling Vomit Absorbent. (See bottom of page)

(Thanks to LoneStriker, who credits alt.fan.cecil-adams)

DISCO: STILL A FORCE OF EVIL?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)

TASTEFUL HOLIDAY GIFT CONCEPT

Nothing says "Happy Holidays, Tasteful Person!" like a Tramp Lamp.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick and Linda Anderson)

WHOEVER SAYS CANADA IS A LAME COUNTRY

...better not challenge Canada to Rock, Paper Scissors.

(Thanks to many people)

THANKS

To all the people who came out for the Herald Hunt. Thanks especially to the people who actually figured out how to solve it, thereby freeing the organizers to go drink beer.

WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE

Thank you, Mr. Snail.

There will be no further blogging today because this blog is celebrating the World Series outcome, and participating in the world-famous Herald Hunt. Also of course observing the Sabbath.

NEW YORK YANKERS FANS IN ACTION

Like, get a life.

(Thanks to Mary "No harm, my fan!" Hofman)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using the sun.

(Thanks to Gretchen CS)

SPORTSPERSONSHIP

When paintball guns are outlawed, only cheerleaders will have paintball guns.

(Thanks to Karin Dixon)

CELEBRITY SIGHTING

You've answered one of the great mysteries of our time with your non-revealing swimsuit posting!� Check out the third model on page 4 if you have ever wondered,"Whatever happened to Alec Baldwin?" -- Lee "Stereo Elf" Foster

Alec has lost a little weight and is looking good.

MR. SNAIL UPDATE

There is good reason to fear Mr. Snail.

(Thanks to Corey Wilson)

HALLOWEEN UPDATE

Here are your Extreme Pumpkin competition winners.

(Thanks to Scott Jordan, proud creator of "Osama bin Lantern")

SOUTH DAKOTA ELECTED OFFICIALS IN ACTION

We want this man to run for president.

(Thanks to Ted Severson)

KNOW THE FACTS!

As far as this blog is concerned, in these uncertain times no citizen can afford to be ignorant regarding Stevie Nicks' astrological chart and karma.

(Thanks to Donny Kehoe)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Fish on Prozac

(Thanks to many people)

OK! OK!

Roughly 278 million people have asked me to post this link about the guy on eBay selling his ex-wife's Beanie Babies.

(Thanks to roughly 278 million people)

EDUCATIONAL UPDATE

Things appear to be going very smoothly in the South Allegheny, Pa., schools, other than the fact that classes were canceled after a school board member, angered that her husband had been arrested, allegedly struck the chief of police with her car.

Key quote: "Eugene 'Gino' Dozzi, 44, was arrested at the couple's home last night and charged with inciting South Allegheny High School students to engage in a food fight in the school cafeteria in April and supplying cigarettes to some of the students."

(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Finally, something is being done about crime.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

ATTENTION, SHARKS

Do not mess with Icelanders.

Key quote: "I know the people in that part of the world. They are really tough."

(Thanks to Mark "A la Rank Woman" Rowan)

ATTENTION, MEN WHO NEED TO GET A VASECTOMY REVERSED

Here's your doctor.

(Thanks to Michael van Huystee)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using farting toy dogs.

(Thanks to Gordon "His Porn Doll Pig" Phillips and Catherine "In the Acne Corner" Conner)

MEDIA UPDATE

People incessantly ask us: "Where can I get up-to-date news concerning rugs?" We direct those people here.

(Thanks to Jason Merritt)

HALLOWEEN COSTUME OF THE WEEK

It's Kikkoman! Fight!

(Thanks to Paulo Orodveza)

ATTENTION, MEN WHO LIKE TO LOOK AT WOMEN IN REVEALING BATHING SUITS

There is no reason whatsoever for you to click here. Seriously.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using attack cows.

(Thanks to Tim Lindner)