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September 17, 2003

ATTENTION, THAILAND MEDICAL COMMUNITY

Missing something?

(Thaks again to Theresa Hogue)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using tea bags.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

September 16, 2003

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS

As Hurricane Isabel approaches the East Coast, I thought it might be helpful if I reprinted a Hurricane Preparedness Guide I wrote some years ago for the Miami Herald. It has some specific references to South Florida, but it should be just as useless to residents of other areas.

For information that is actually useful, an excellent place to look is the Herald's storm site.

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS GUIDE
Dave Barry

We're entering the heart of hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weatherperson pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic and making two basic meteorological points:

1. There is no need to panic.

2. We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in South Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." The best way to get information on this topic is to ask people who were here during Hurricane Andrew (we're easy to recognize, because we still smell faintly of b.o. mixed with gasoline). Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in South Florida. If you're one of those people, you'll want to clip out the following useful hurricane information and tuck it away in a safe place so that later on, when a storm is brewing, you will not be able to locate it.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE -- If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska. Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, both Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS -- Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

-- Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

-- Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

-- Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

-- "Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

"HURRICANE PROOFING" YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects such as barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles. (If you happen to have deadly missiles in your yard, don't worry, because the hurricane winds will turn THEM into harmless objects).

EVACUATION ROUTE -- If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two million other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! South Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

-- 23 Flashlights.

-- At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

-- Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some, dammit!)

-- A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

-- A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

-- A large quantity of bananas, to placate the monkeys. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate monkeys.)

-- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over again how vitally important it for everybody to stay the hell away from the ocean.

At that point, if you've prepared all you can, there's frankly nothing left to for you to do but pray. I mean for a really BIG wave.

UPDATE OF THE JAPANESE-SINGING-EGGPLANTS UPDATE

Dave The song being played is by T.A.T.U, which was correctly stated earlier as being Russian. The lyrics to the song can be found here. If you read along while watching The Eggplants it could be perhaps the strangest thing I have ever seen...but it makes perfect sense. Obviously the Russians and the Japanese have conspired to create The Bi-sexual Eggplant Supergroup (band name?). Although if these two were in on it...how bad could it be? Just thought your readers would like to know. Brad Buset

GERMAN MYSTERY SOLVED

The case of the eight--fingered gardener with the fairly small brain.

(Thanks to Kay Thompson)

CRIME OF THE CENTURY

Leech-smuggling.

(Thanks to Murray Alberts)

YOU ARE NOW ENTERING VIAGRA

An Oklahoma town changes its name. Actual story excerpt: "...it wasn't a hard decision..."

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, Tactical Field Commander of the Dave Barry for President Runaway Bandwagon)

SUPERHERO OF THE WEEK

It's... Angle-Grinder Man!

(Thanks to many admiring people)

ATTENTION, LOVERS OF FINE JEWELRY

Here's a once-in-a-lifetime offer! OK, maybe twice in a lifetime. Maybe three times. Five, tops.

(Thanks to Alfred Wallace)

ADVISORY TO TENNESSEE RESIDENTS

Do not leave home.

Key quote: "If they were that confused, you'd think they could double-check."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IMPORTANT REMINDARRRRRR

Friday is Talk Like a Pirate Day.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Wheeler)

JAPANESE SINGING EGGPLANTS UPDATE

Hi, Dave. On Sept 13, you mentioned the Japanese Singing Eggplants. I just looked at the site, and it changed my life. No it didn't. Shut up, Brian, it did! Okay, it drove me into instant schizophrenia. The song they are singing isn't in Japanese. It's Russian. The title is something like "We Don't Have a Flame." It would be interesting to find out what all that Japanese on the screen is saying. Cheers! Brian Jones

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastarrds are using giant toilet lizards.

(Thanks to Sam Edwards)

WHAT YOU NEED THIS MORNING

You need to watch a rockin' video of rockin' Leonard Nimoy signin' a rockin' tune about hobbits.

(Thanks to Miguel Fliguer)

THIS BLOG IS DEVASTATED

Meatshake is a hoax.

(Thanks to Josh Barro)

September 15, 2003

A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Open-Crotch Pants

(Thanks to John Dodds, who notes: "Apparently, some people think that diapers don't have to actually contain anything.")

IT'S ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

50,000 free sheep.

(Thanks to David Smith)

ATTENTION, SPORTSPERSONS

Do not venture out without your Carp Deflection Device.

(Thanks to Chet Ensign)

ATTENTION, INVESTORS

Do not miss this opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a surefire moneymaking business.

(Thanks to Claire Martin and Devon Spaght)

September 14, 2003

J-LO AND BEN

It's over! Is there NOTHING to believe in any more??

TELEMARKETERS UPDATE

Hundreds of emails have been pouring in from people who missed the original column and want the number of the American Teleservices Association. However, the number that was in that column has been disconnected, apparently as a result of the volume of calls to the ATA from people who were thrilled to have a chance to call the telemarketers back.

I got a few emails from telemarketers, who needless to say think I am vermin scum for trying to put them out of business, take away their jobs, etc. To them I say: First, I'm not calling you. The people calling you are your "customers," the people you call all the time. And they're not taking away your jobs; they're just doing what you do. If you think it's unpleasant to receive unwanted phone calls, hey, welcome to our world.

September 13, 2003

CONFUSED?

Sit back and allow Japanese singing eggplants to clear everything up.

(Thanks to Mike Seidel)

MEATSHAKE UPDATE

Nothing goes with a MeatShake better than a nice steaming glass of Pork Nog.

(Thanks to Lisa White)

September 12, 2003

EXCLUSIVE BACKSTAGE PHOTO!

Cher prepares for her show.

(Thanks again to John Dodds)

SO THAT'S HOW THEY MAKE HIP-HOP

The secret is yogurt.

(Thanks to many people)

MORE TURKISH MEDICAL NEWS They

MORE TURKISH MEDICAL NEWS

They just have a peck of impish fun over there.

(Thanks to John Dodds)

HAPPY NEWS FROM TURKEY

We think she should name it "Geraldo."

(Thanks to numerous people)

CANADIAN POLITICS UPDATE

If this charge is true, this candidate has OUR support.

(Thanks to Tim Watkins)

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS

Sooner or later, these two suspects will be stopped. Probably by a wall.

(Thanks to Vicky Ramage)

CULINARY UPDATE

We don't know about you, but we sure could go for a... MeatShake!

(Thanks to Leah Bach)

ATTENTION, ROCHESTER, N.Y., RESIDENTS

Keep an eye on your buildings.

Key quote: "When you’re looking for a Clifford Avenue address, you look for something on Clifford Avenue,” Stango said.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, SAN ANTONIANS

Anybody missing anything?

(Thanks again to Kay Thompson)

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM

Daring mission foiled by technical glitch.

(Thanks to Kay Thompson)

MEDICAL UPDATE

No sense in taking chances.

(Thanks to whoever you are)

WHAT THEY ARE NOT ADMITTING, BUT WHAT PROBABLY REALLY HAPPENED, WAS THAT A COUPLE OF GUYS WERE HANDLING THIS THING WHEN A WOMAN WITH A NICE SET OF ATTRIBUTES WALKED BY

Whoops.

(Thanks to Dave Paul)

LEGAL UPDATE

It's the Trial of the Century.

(Thanks again to The Oracle)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using brake shoes.

(Thanks to The Oracle)

ENTER THE DATE INTO YOUR PERSONAL DIGITAL ASSISTANTS, ME HEARTIES

One week to go until Talk Like a Pirate Day.

September 11, 2003

FLORIDA MOTORIST UPDATE

This new driver will fit right in.

(Thanks to many people)

ATTENTION, TRAVELERS WITH DOGS

Avoid Cambodia.

(Thanks to Thomas Sallee)

INSPIRATIONAL ART

This should be on the wall of every office.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ANOTHER WEBSITE THAT WILL DISAPPOINT GUYS

Schwing.com

(Thanks to Cindy Reynolds)

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE VIDEO THIS YEAR OF A WILD BEAR BEING SHOT WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART AND FALLING ONTO A TRAMPOLINE AND BOUNCING WAY UP INTO THE AIR AND LANDING FACE-FIRST ON A LAWN

Make it this one.

(Thanks to Chuck Mathias)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

This is practical AND tasteful.

(Thanks to Brian Giovannini)

IOWA UPDATE

"You kids are going to the mall again?"

(Thanks to Melinda Pollmeier)

RELIGION UPDATE

When he preaches, you listen.

(Thanks to Michelle Tourigny)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

What, now they're saying THIS is against the law?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using termites.

(Thanks to Sangeeta)

BUBBA HO-TEP UPDATE

At work, I laughed so hard over the concept of this movie that my co-worker came over and wanted to see what I was so amused by. Apparently he and other major movie fans have been waiting to see this movie, that it is getting wonderful reviews, and that it is "beautiful in its originality." I am now deemed "too serious" and closed-minded" here in our department. Any suggestions on how to remove my "black sheep" label? Chrysta
Maybe you could listen to some avant-garde music.

TELEMARKETERS UPDATE

They think I'm malicious. I am SO hurt.

 
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