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September 24, 2003

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are biting librarians.

(Thanks to Nathan Nelson)

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TELL MIDDLESBORO, KENTUCKY

That Manson, Iowa, home of "Greater Crater Days," already thought up the idea of attracting tourists by billing itself as a meteor crash site.

(Thanks to Jake Hamer)

ARE YOU GLAD TO SEE ME?

Or do you have several deadly king cobras strapped to your legs?

(Thanks to Annette Goeres)

HEADLINES-IN-YOUR-PANTS UPDATE

Bush at U.N.: 'No neutral ground in my pants'
Sun: Chips move data 100 times faster in my pants
Poll: Bush Down, Clark up in my pants
Eric Rudolph's lawyers seek documents in my pants
Group: High chemical levels in breast milk in my pants
'Oldest' modern man fossil unearthed in my pants
Travel made easier for gay couples in my pants
Schools tackle PDA problems in my pants
Ben and Jen together again in my pants
California election back on in my pants
Artic Ice Shelf splits in my pants
Second Guantanamo official held in my pants
Maldives had second jail riot in my pants
Russian critics blast Putin's record in my pants
Liberians used as forced labor in my pants

(Thanks to Russ Fletcher, Theresa Hogue, John Toomey and probably other people)

September 23, 2003

ARRRGGH

As I write these words, I am in a car traveling westbound on Manhattan Island. We're trying to get to LaGuardia, which is actually located -- ask anybody -- east of Manhattan Island. But we can't go east because the police have blocked off all the streets so major world leaders can have meetings wherein -- ask anybody -- nothing will be accomplished. So everybody in New York is in a terrific mood.

Next time, they should put the United Nations in North Dakota.

ATTENTION, TOURISTS

Pack your bags immediately and head for the new tourist attraction of Middlesboro, Kentucky, which according to this article was the site of a meteor impact a long time ago!

William M. Andrews Jr., a geologist with the Kentucky Geological Survey, said erosion and vegetation have hidden most signs of the meteor's impact. But enough evidence remains, he said.

This is big news:
It's enough to excite local tourism officials, who are hoping people will come from across the nation to visit the town. They're now promoting Middlesboro as the only town in America built inside a meteor crater.
"We're trying to get the word out," said Judy Barton, director of the Bell County Tourism Commission. "This is just another jewel in our crown."

We are on our way!

(Thanks to Dennis Gamble)

ATTENTION, BABOONS

Do not steal cake.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)

IN-MY-PANTS-GAME UPDATE

Here are some more amusing augmented CNN headlines: "Muslim chaplain's arrest prompts probe in my pants" "Haley Joel Osment grows up in my pants" "Cameron Diaz doing TV in my pants" "Security alert focuses on 'gadgets' in my pants"

-- Dan Koning

September 22, 2003

ATTENTION, MOOSES

Beware of hammocks.

(Thanks to Ali Monroe)

ATTENTION, BUS PASSENGERS

Do not sway.

(Thanks to T. Dombrock)

AUSTRALIA: LAND OF PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO DRINK BEER

And that is one thing that makes it great.

(Thanks to Kathryn K. Andrews)

SOMEBODY SHOULD SUE

Something that appeared in the Kansas City Star near your column got me wondering: Why is it that models don't get credit for their work even though everyone else associated with the photo does? In this instance the designer of the floor mat that the model was standing on got credit, but for the model, nada. I'm a 38 year-old male who, like most, worships women in all their many forms and I grew up with Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions and Playboy, where the models were the focus. I'm pretty sure I'd rather date the model than the floor mat guy. I wonder if you could run this idea through the toilet and come up with a column idea? I promise I won't sue, since I couldn't afford it. Wesley Riggs Merriam, Kansas USA (as it was in 1957)

WHY NOT? WHY THE HELL NOT?

Remember the fortune cookie game? I don't know if it was a huge hit outside of Utah (where I reside), but the basics of that game was to read your fortune and then add the phrase "...under the sheets" or "...in bed" after it. Example: Alas! The onion you are eating is someone else's water lily...under the sheets. A little childish, maybe, but when you'd get a really good one (Enjoy what you have. Hope for what you lack...in bed.) your friends will spew Coke out of their nostrils. To make a long story longer, I decided to put a twist on this game, but use news headlines instead of fortunes, and add the phrase, "...in my pants" to the end. Examples using CNN: "Buffalo-sized guinea pig revealed...in my pants!" "Cuban hijacker sentenced to 20 years...in my pants!" "Pizza man probably not alone...in my pants!" You see how this can be a fun little game? Anyway, I'm only one man with a smaller blog than yours (don't tell anyone I admitted that my blog is smaller), so I though maybe your readers could have some fun with this. Thank you for your time, and I hope that I'm not officially on your 'block e-mail' list. Eric C. Taylor: Traffic Dude KALL KURR KZHT
You're welcome, Eric... in my pants! No, wait.

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Well, I made it to New York City. It took about three hours to fly here from Miami, and another three to get from La Guardia to my hotel. The problem is that the United Nations, without consulting me, has decided to have some kind of meeting, and I am booked at the same hotel as a famous world leader, who I think is the Dalai Lama (brother of the Bob Lama). But I don't know for sure who it is. All I know is that, to check in, I had to talk my way through numerous police officers guarding the hotel from terrorists. Although I frankly I doubt that the terrorists would ever have dealt with the traffic, which is a horrible mess. "The hell with terrorism, let's go home," is what they would have said.

Maybe that's the point.

BLOGGING ADVISORY

This blog leaves today on a publicity tour to flog a book. To judge from the schedule, this blog will not have time to go to the bathroom, let alone read email and post things. So blogging will be sporadic and highly inaccurate for roughly the next two weeks. In the meantime, this blog is counting on all of all of you to remain productive. If you have any questions, look into your heart and ask youself: What would He do? Good luck.

TRAGIC ITEM WITH NO REDEEMING HUMOR VALUE

You will not find this blog linking to this kind of story.

(Thanks to "edgewise")

EMAIL REPORT: NAKED PEOPLE TALKING LIKE PIRATES IN CLEVELAND, GEORGIA

Dear Mr. Barry, I just wanted to let you know that naked people in northeast Georgia LOVED Talk Like a Pirate Day, arrr. Those who were initially annoyed got into the spirit soon enough (thanks to grog). Thanks for all the columns that make my wife wonder what the hell's wrong with me. Yours sincerely, Stuart Antrim Co-manager of Customer Satisfaction and Park Operations Serendipity Park Nudist Resort Cleveland, GA
"Customer satisfaction"?

September 21, 2003

CAFETERIA FOOD UPDATE

"Dig in!" says Maggot Pete.

(Thanks to many people)

WHY THIS COUNTRY WILL NEVER BE DEFEATED

Because it contains Minnesota women.

(Thanks to cljroth)

THIS MIGHT SEEM LIKE A LOT TO PAY FOR CD JEWEL CASES

...but you get 25 in the package, so when you break the price down, you're actually only paying about $40,000 apiece.

(Thanks to Chip Everts)

EMAIL

Dear Dave, My name is Lexie. I'm 15 and I live in Nashville, TN. My best friend Anna-Laura and I are major fans of yours. We want your advice on something. We are Hillsboro High school marching Band managers( or as my boyfriend calls it the Bands Bitches). We were at a football game last night having a conversation about the band. Well I came up with the idea of making a documentary about what its like to be a marching band Manager. Does that seem weird to you?
No weirder than, for example, Emeril.

BOOOOOOOUUURRP

A British ghost is stealing beer.

(Thanks to Sangeeta)

AND EVERY ONE OF THEM HAD A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Problems on the highway in Oklahoma.

(Thanks to Benajamin Studtmann)

September 20, 2003

IF YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND ONE MILLION DOLLARS ON A KEYBOARD

It should definitely be this one.

(Thanks to Bonnianne Crowder)

September 19, 2003

TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY UPDATE

Here's a fine arrrrrrrrticle.

AVAST

Today we be on N-P-ARRRRRRRRRR.

EMAIL FROM A FRIEND IN THE WASHINGTON, D.C., SUBURBS, WHO USED TO LIVE IN MIAMI

Trees down. Fence down. No power in sight, possibly for days. Drinking water contaminated, so we have to boil for more than a minute. Except, wait a second, we have no power to boil with! WHY THE HELL DID I LEAVE SOUTH FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND ANOTHER COMPLIMENTARY FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE GOES OUT TO...

...this man.

(Thanks to whoever you arrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

UPDATE: SOCIAL LIVES OF GUYS

We see no problem, as long as it was a consenting rock.

(Thanks to Sangeeta)

WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THIS, ME HEARTIES?

Euro-Afro-Asia Sweepstakes Lottery 580 N. Tenth Street Sacramento, CA 85914. Tel/Fax:1-928-222-0713 Email:pamela_white001@123.com

Dear Subscriber,

RE: FINAL LOTTERY DRAW NOTIFICATION VIDE BATCH NO:14/0017/IPD.

The above subject refers.

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Consequent upon this draw result for your entry number 240-1146-1975, your entry has been approved for lump sum pay out of US$200,000 (Two Hundred Thousand Dollars) in cash credited to file number: E.AAS/AB/V0L3/-03, with our designated paying bank from where you are expected to be paid.

Furthermore, as part of our security protocol and measures to avoid double claiming by other participant of this program, we advise that you keep this strictly confidential until your claim has been processed and your funds remitted to your account. Be informed that claims by proxy, would not be acceptable and such claim would be voided.

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Be Advised and Treat as Urgent.
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Yours Truly,
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Euro - Afro Asian Sweepstake Lottery.

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY...

...to this lady.

(Thanks to Michelle Tourigny)

A DRAMATIC BREAKTHROUGH....

...in school-cafeteria food.

A PIRATE HAIKU COMPETITION, FOR THE GREATEST TREASURE OF ALL

Pirate underpants!

(Thanks to Claire Marrrrrrrrrrrrrtin)

TERRORISM UPDATE, ME HEARTIES

Now the bastarrrrrrrrrds are using bees working in concert with Justin Timberlake.

(Thanks to John Dodds, and Tom Wimbish)

TV NEWS PERSONS: DUMBER THAN GOAT DROOL?

We report: You decide, mateys.

(Thanks to Matthew Alfano)

ARRRRRR

Arrrrrr.

September 18, 2003

ABSOLUTELY THE LAST POST ABOUT THE JAPANESE SINGING EGGPLANTS, EVEN IF IT IS TOTALLY INCORRECT, BECAUSE THIS BLOG IS TRYING TO GEAR UP FOR INTERNATIONAL

I'd like to correct Brad Buset. The eggplants are singing the *Japanese* version of Tatu's song 'Not Gonna Get Us'. Tatu is Russian, but to cater to Japanese men's obsession with schoolgirls, Sony Japan have formed their own group for the Asian market. Instead of it being two Russian girls who dress like schoolgirls and profess to being in a lesbian relationship with one another and sing mildly catchy Europop, it's two Japanese girls who dress like schoolgirls and profess to being etc etc... The Japanese Tatu's site is here. Not like it matters... Gia Milinovich

STEP ASIDE, GIANT GUINEA PIG!

Make way for the immense wombat.

(Thanks to Ben Studtmann)

NEW SNACK CONCEPT FOR GUYS

The Power Sausage

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

AND HE USES IT TO REHEAT PIZZA

College student makes fusion reactor.

(Thanks to many people)

THEY USED TO ROAM THE EARTH, EATING RESEARCH SCIENTISTS

Presenting: Giant prehistoric guinea pigs.

(Thanks to Keith Wolters, and John Harvey)

ATTENTION, COASTAL PORK OPERATORS!

Be advised that pork operations�have ceased.

Also: "The Pork Operators" would be a good name for a rock band.

That is all.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are mysteriously killing enormous squids.

(Thanks to Gretchen)

SCIENCE LUNGES FORWARD

Leave that gummy bear on the floor.

(Thanks to Brad Buset)

A COOL THING YOU COULD BE FOR HALLOWEEN

You could be a {link deleted}

September 17, 2003

ATTENTION, DICK "DICK" CLARK

Please reclaim your items.

(Thanks to Buck "Buck" Yocum)

WHY THIS IS THE GREATEST GOSHDARN DEMOCRACY ON EARTH

Because we are free to vote on which political figure looks most like Skeletor.

(Thanks to Rami Genauer)

LEONARD NIMOY VIDEO APPRECIATION

Thank you so much for posting the link to Nimoy's Ballad of Bilbo Baggins video. I've had that song on CD for over a year, and have driven a long-time friend to total madness by teaching the song to her six children. I never knew about the video, however, and now have a totally new way to torment my ol' high school chum. I always knew Nimoy was ahead of his time by performing poorly done covers of Peter Paul and Mary tunes...but that piece is worthy of MTV2. You have made my day! Chris Lucas

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using nervous ducks, which would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to John Dodds)

HURRICANE PREPARATION ADVISORY FOR GUYS

Duck.

(Thanks to Isabelle -- really -- Briand)

 
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