GIGANTICALLY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

After roughly 20 consecutive years of running for president, I am announcing today, in my weekly column, that I have decided, after a great deal of soul-searching, to run for president.

If you agree with my views on the issues -- which are, trust me, exactly the same as your views -- you can show your support by purchasing high-quality campaign merchandise. Proceeds from the sales of this merchandise will be used to continue the vital work of paying for all this damn merchandise we ordered. Thank you.