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May 15, 2003

CORRECTION

It has come to this blog's attention that, in one of the earlier posts today, the word "irresistibly" was misspelled. This blog deeply regrets the error, and takes full responsibility, offering no excuses, other than that the post was written by former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair.

IS THAT A NINE-IRON, OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?

Fore!

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

Here's a great way to start your day!

(Thanks to "c123cuppy")

WHY WE NEED STRONGER PIE-CONTROL LAWS

How many tragedies will it take?

(Thanks to Dan)

PRACTICAL SITE OF THE DAY

A lot of useful information here.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)

WE KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING FOR OUR VACATION!

We are being irresisitably drawn to Mankato, Minn.!

(Thanks to Caya Jappinen)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Finally, Illinois takes action.

(Thanks to Leah Bibbo)

ART UPDATE

OK, this is not creepy at all!

(Thanks to "Lane Closure")

ATTENTION, FATHER'S-DAY SHOPPERS Here's a

ATTENTION, FATHER'S-DAY SHOPPERS

Here's a "can't miss" gift for Dad.

(Thanks to Karissa Hsueh)

CORPSE BOOGERS, CONT.

"Agent Lizard" emails to advance the discussion as follows:

What DOES happen to the stored-up boogers after death? Do they, along with the body, shrink and therefore remain out of sight? Seeing as they are composed mainly of water, I would think this might be the case. So, short answer: corpses probably won't have visible boogers.

ATTENTION, MEN

There is hope for a better, drier tomorrow.

(Thanks to Chaz Stevens)

TROUBLE AHEAD

You look at this, and then this, and you think, quote: "UH-oh."

(Thanks to Jim Harrison)

ATTENTION, COLLECTORS!

Here is your big chance.

(Thanks to Jim Arnett)

SARS PREVENTION UPDATE

This sure makes medical sense.

(Thanks to Stephen Nielsen)

OMIERI THE SACRED MOM PYTHON UPDATE

The good news is, she has hatched many healthy sacred baby pythons. The bad news is, now there are a lot of little pythons around.

May 14, 2003

THE WORLD HEAVES A SIGH OF RELIEF

Wayne Newton's wallaby has been recaptured.

(Thanks to Mike Harris)

FLORIDIANS DRIVING INTO BUILDINGS: ANOTHER SOLUTION

Dave,

Obviously, the solution to the Florida problem of people driving into buildings would be for Florida's legislature to require that air bags be installed on the outside of vehicles. The pilot project could be limited to Lincolns, Cadillacs, Buicks and, obviously, Oldsmobiles.

Side note: A mechanic I know told me that a lady came to his shop one day and asked if he could determine why a warning light was flashing on her dash. It was, of course, her turn signal.

Regards,
Larry Wilmott

Air bags might work. But maybe they should be on the buildings.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU HOSERS, EH?

Canada: Land of Jedis.

(Thanks to "Corn1ell")

TIGER WOODS UPDATE

So this is why he wins.

(Thanks to Sarah John)

VIKING UPDATE

They ironed.

(Thanks to Thalia Blazesong)

ELEPHANT MUSIC VIDEO

You music fans will definitely want to go here and click on the link to see elephants playing drums, gongs, harmonicas, etc. The narrator is not speaking English, but stay with it, because after a while some Americans come on and give excellent quotes about the problems that arise when elephants decide to keep playing after they are supposed to stop ("They don't care about the score"). The exciting news is, the elephants will be expanding into other genres, including techno AND country-western.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

GOOD NEWS!

Frogs are doing well in Melbourne.

STUNNING NEWS SHOCKER

Who EVER would have imagined this?

SACRED NEW-MOM PYTHON UPDATE

She is doing well, and so are the newly hatched pythonlets. Do not get too close.

RUNAWAY TEXAS DEMOCRATIC LEGISLATORS UPDATE

They are still holed up in an Oklahoma motel. My suggestion for getting them out would be to set up giant speakers and play unbearable music.

May 13, 2003

ENGLISH FOOD EXPLAINED

So this is the secret.

(Thanks to Laurie Franks)

IT'S SO REALISTIC, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT'S A GAME!

It's the text-only version of Where's Waldo.

(Thanks to Katie Maslanka)

INFORMATIVE SAFETY SIGNS

This blog recently posted a link to this site, where, if you have Adobe Acrobat, you can make your own safety signs. Here are some guys who have put this technology to productive use (you might have to scroll down).

(Thanks to Justin Pagano)

MISSING TEXAS LEGISLATORS UPDATE

Texas state troopers found them hiding in Oklahoma. They are refusing to return. This blog is not making this up.

CHECK YOUR CLOSETS!

Fifty-three Texas state legislators are missing.

Let me just say to Texas, on behalf of Florida: You're welcome to take our legislature.

ALARMING NEWS FROM ENGLAND

When badgers go bad.

(Thanks to David P. Baker)

ANOTHER SENSIBLE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM OF FLORIDA DRIVERS DRIVING INTO BUILDINGS

This one is from Claire Martin:

I think the solution would be to require left-flashing turn signals on all Florida buildings. Then drivers would instinctively speed up and pass by, leaving them intact.

DAVID HASSELHOFF: GENIUS? OR GOD?

Check out these reviews.

(Thanks to Karl Weckstrom)

PSSST

Got any scorpion?

(Thanks to Michael Greene)

EMAIL FROM READERS

Regarding the issue of elderly South Floridians driving their cars into buildings, Laurie White asks:

I HAVE to know - are the pedals configured differently on cars sold in Florida? It's the only explanation I can come up with for the infestation of "confusion" that seems to run wild there regarding the location of the gas and brake pedals. Otherwise, what other excuse could there be when one has been driving a car in the U.S. for 65 years and yet becomes befuddled on the location of the appropriate STOP and GO pedals.
Maybe, like the feature on your blog that allows us to shout our answers at the monitor, there should be a feature where the elderly can justshout directions toward the floor of their car.

Maybe. But I think a more-workable solution would be to relocate the buildings to the middle of the roadways. That way nobody would hit them.

CRIME UPDATE

Tigger attempts a stickup! I always figured that if any of those characters went bad, it would be Roo.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Nicholas)

OMIERI (OR OMWERI) THE SACRED PYTHON UPDATE

She's a mom!

IF YOU HAVE NOT EATEN BREAKFAST

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Kip Sundquist)

HELLO, TRIPLE A?

Rodents are eating my car.

(Thanks to Susan J. Barretta)

SO MUCH FOR OUR SACRED CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT...

...to clean our horses in a car wash.

(Thanks to Kathryn K. Andrews)

YOUR TUITION DOLLARS AT WORK II

I want to go to Wesleyan.

(Thanks to Meredith Hoar)

May 12, 2003

OK, NOW I UNDERSTAND

This clears everything up.

(Thanks to Micah Snyder)

ACADEMY AWARDS PREDICTION

Here's your early favorite for Best Picture.

(Thanks to Curt Brown)

PARENTS: YOUR TUITION DOLLARS AT WORK

College students are attacked by dead fish.

(Thanks to Randal Voges)

ATTENTION, BALDING MORONS

Here's a really scientific idea.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, PARENTS OF TEENAGERS

Do your children enjoy horror movies? Here's a good one.

(Thanks to several people)

CORPSE-BOOGER UPDATE

Declan McCullagh sends this informative email:

Dave,
I'm delighted to try to help you answer the Very Important Question you asked in your blog on Friday about the growth of corpse boogers. I asked a mortician friend the answer, and here is her reply:
"Hair and nails DO NOT continue to grow after death. The dead body dehydrates and therefore the the skin and around the nails and the hair (the scalp) dessicate and shrink, thereby giving the appearance that the hair and nails have grown.
"The nasal passages of the deceased are stuffed with cotton to prevent leakage. That too is dried out so any baby boogers are aborted."
Her hair and nail claim is backed up by the alt.folklore.urban website here.
In a related note, Episode 58 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer dealt with a demon roommate whose fingernails grew after being clipped. Would that mean that demon boogers would grow after being picked?
Thanks in advance for your attention to this important question.

UPDATE ON WANDA THE WOUNDED PYTHON

She is doing better. Also, she is a he.

EXAMPLE OF THIS BLOG BEING JOURNALISTICALLY RESPONSIBLE

This blog has determined, through an anonymous source, that the Oregon-mental-health-Klingon-language story, even though it appeared in actual major newspapers, is not 100 percent accurate. This blog, in keeping with its commitment to accuracy, has had the employee responsible for linking to this site stripped naked and staked to a fire-ant hill. Videotapes are available here.

ATTENTION, LIZARD-HEAD EATERS

Here's good news from Iowa.

(Thanks to Rick and Val)

 
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