Dave Barry's Blog

WHAT COMES AFTER B IN SWITZERLAND?

This blog has received the following email:

Just a quick heads up I thought might interest you. Recently Zurich Airport asked the Swiss government for a CHF 350,000,000 bail out for cost overruns building their 3rd and newest terminal. After much back and forth the government had to relent as they need an airport. About 3 weeks later the airport (who for 75 years had made use of the names, Terminl A and B) announced they needed to rename the 3 Terminals 1, 2 & 3 for logistical reasons resulting in an expenditure of CHF 10,000,000 to rename Terminals A & B to 1 & 2 (signs, business cards, letterhead, etc.). I HAVE checked and whether you are saying the alphabet in French, German, Italian OR Retro-Romansch (4th official Swiss Language) ALL of them follow the letter B with C. Is it me or is there something wrong with this picture? Timothy Blaisdell Widen, Switzerland (Near Zurich)

This block does not know what a "CHF" is, but assuming it is money, this blog is outraged.

SOFTWARE UDATE

Tired of sam email? Esecially when it's orn? Here's the rogram for you!

(Thanks to Mike Harding)

DOGS 2, SNAKES 0

A few says ago, we reported on the heroics of Emsi, Snake-Chasing Weinerdog of Philippolis. Today we bring you the saga of: Fudge, Snake-Slayer of Opelousas.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Even Omaha is not safe.

(Thanks to Michael Gelfand)

PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

We figure this is probably just some kind of home-economics-class illustration.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)

ART UPDATE

This would look great in the kitchen.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

ATTENTION, DIETERS

Here's a fun game to keep your mind off your hunger.

(Thanks to "Thornapple River")

ARRRR! NOT THAT THERRRRRRE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT!

An anonymous reader, in reference to Talk Like a Pirate Day, has sent this educational link.

BUTT DARTS UPDATE

This blog had no idea of the response it would receive when it printed an email on the sport of Butt Darts.

First came these questions from Kip Sundquist:

Sheila from North Dakota's e-mail absolutely begs to have some nagging questions answered!

- How many "Butt Dart" sessions do you suppose it takes the average N. Dakotan to figure out that you can play it with your clothes ON?

- Do they have tournaments? Leagues? Are there prizes?

- What do they do with the quarters when they're done with them? What happens if you get them mixed up?

-How tight is "too tight?"

-What if the quarter doesn't drop? Is it cheating to use your hands?

If there are any league officials out there, this blog would like to hear from you.

Next came this email from Paul Parker:

A friend (I SWEAR TO GOD NOT ME) had a butt-dart-esque competition of his own. With pants down around their knees two guys (I SWEAR TO GOD NOT ME) each clinched cheek around a dime and then used what can best be described as a flick-and-release motion with their hips to see who could throw their dime the furthest. The loser left the room in a huff to use the restroom. When he returned and started drinking his bottle of beer (yeah, you knew beer had to be involved) the room got quiet and the distinct *clink* of a dime hitting the bottle and then his front tooth filled the room. Beer... ass-dimes... you just knew somebody would end up fighting. Stop the madness.

This blog is not sure what happened in that last part, and this blog frankly does not want to know.

Then several readers sent in an actual web page about several variations of Butt Darts, including one that you maybe do not want to read about, because it is called Reverse Flaming Butt Darts.

Please do not thank this blog for providing a forum on this topic, which is too often "swept under the rug." This blog is just doing its job.

HEARTLAND FUN

Sheila Denault of Larimore, North Dakota ("30 miles west of Grand Forks") emails as follows:

You know what party game women like to play in North Dakota? Butt Darts! How to play - you insert a quarter between your cheeks [ you can do this with clothes ON, if they're not too tight] , walk a pre-determined distance [like 20 or 30 feet] with quarter held tight, then drop your change into a bar glass [ shot glass if you have really good aim]. You do this 2 people at a time, unless you have a big crowd, then you could do more.

SPORTS UPDATE

Unicycle hockey.

(Thanks to c123cuppy)

AIRPORT SECURITY UPDATE

He did what?

(Thanks to Bob Holt)

HEY, HOLLYWOOD!

What about my story? I write lies for newspapers all the time! What am I, chopped liver?

TODAY'S EUROPEAN ISSUE

Should Germans be allowed to possess tractors?

(Thanks to Bob Holt)

AND YOU THOUGHT CANADA WAS BORING

When in fact, it is a land of achievement.

(Thanks yet again to Linda Anderson)

OK, MAYBE WE DEFEATED THE IRAQI ARMY...

But a single French restaurant has killed one million ducks.

(Thanks again to Linda Anderson)

THESE CRAZY KIDS!

Wacky college fun in Philadelphia.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)

ARE THEY PHOTOSHOPICALLY ENHANCING KELLY'S BUTT?

You decide.

(Thanks to Jen Segrest)

ARRRRRRRRRRRRR

National Talk Like a Pirate Day -- which of course is September 19 -- now has an official website.

BUT CAN HE PROVE THE ASHES WERE NOT DRIVING THE CAR?

Law and order in England.

(Thanks to Laurie White)

WHAT IS THERE LEFT TO BELIEVE IN?

It turns out that politicans lie.

(Thanks to Melissa Zurcher)

WILL THEY RUN UP THE PYRAMIDS IN SLOW MOTION WEARING REALLY TIGHT BATHING SUITS?

An idea whose time has come: Egyptian Baywatch.

(Thanks to Randal Voges)

USEFUL SITE

Next year, I'm doing my taxes in this traditional format.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

I AM NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT THAT I AM BUMMED

Tonight is the last Buffy.

WOOF

Here's Emsie, hero weinerdog of Philippolis.

WHY I LOVE SOUTH FLORIDA, NO. 2,038,000

"Raise your right claw and repeat after me."

ART UPDATE

The problem with those old artists, like Van whatshisname, is that they did not have access to blenders.

CANCEL YOUR APPOINTMENTS

You will want to spend the rest of your day here.

(Thanks to "Thornapple River")

HEY, CAN YOU MOVE THAT? I'M TRYING TO WORK OUT HERE!

Health and fitness in Denver.

(Thanks to Kathleen Ellis)

YOUR TUITION DOLLAR AT WORK

Maybe next time they should just experiment on rats.

(Thanks to "Loreshdw")

WAR CRIMES

Now we have gone too far.

(Thanks to many people)

WHO SAYS COMPUTER GEEKS ARE A BUNCH OF SEX-CRAZED PERVERTS?

We do.

(Thanks to Robert Haynie Jr.)

FURTHER EVIDENCE THAT SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG IN AUSTRALIA

C'mon boy!

(Thanks to Mike Seidel)

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT: JEDIS

Anne Wright emails to make this point:

In the blog mention of the "Welsh Jedis" this is quoted: "In Australia's 2002 census, 70,509 people declared themselves Jedi. This is a full 39% of their total population." That works out that the total population of Australia is something around 180,000. According to the CIA, the population is 19,546,792 (July 2002 est.) . So 3.9% would be the better figure! But who cares about facts?"

Certainly not THIS blog. A similar point is made by "JT", who writes:

I have to say that, living in Australia, I have to concur with Robert Cook's claims that 70 odd thousand Australians did indeed claim to be Jedis on our national census. What I do have a quibble with is his claim that these 70 000 learned individuals make up 39% of our total population. Being a Jedi obviously doesn't increase your mathematical skills, seeing there are about 18 million people down here. I mean, there are about 70 000 people people that come to our family get-togethers at Christmas time (69 995 of them I don't even know), all of them from the same family and all of them carrying a plate of damn potato salad twice as big as the previous person.

It seems to this blog that Anne and "JT" may be overlooking another possibility, which is that the percentage figure of Australian Jedis cited by Robert Cook -- 39 -- is actually correct, and what he got wrong was the total number of Australians. This would mean that, assuming the so-called "CIA" is correct on the total population of Australia, then, according to this blog's calculations, there are 7,623,248.8 Australian Jedis. This blog does not presume to know what religion makes up the other two-tenths of the Australian who is eight-tenths Jedi. If this blog had to guess, it would guess Episcopalian.

ATTENTION, ART LOVERS

We got yer fine art here.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

TRAVELER ADVISORY

If you're going to London, do NOT take the train.

(Thanks to John Brooke)

WOMEN HAVE A BAD IDEA

Men have been doing this for years, and we STILL can't aim,

(Thanks to Mary Harper)

WELSH JEDIS?

Robert Cook emails this update on people who declare themselves to be Jedis:

On your May fourteenth blogs, you wrote about how in Canada 20,000 people stated their religion as Jedi on the 2001 census. Just so you know, this is nothing new. In fact, twenty thousand is on the low side of true Jedi in the world.

In Australia's 2002 census, 70,509 people declared themselves Jedi. This is a full 39% of their total population. Unfortunately, their close-minded government prefers to call these followers' religion as undefined. Oh well, it's better than fining each of them 1000 dollars for providing false information.

But the most spectacular example of this growing religious movement has got to be Great Britain. Approximately 390,000 people in England and Wales called themselves Jedi on the 2001 census.

For the record: All of these countries are also known for beer consumption.

A JOYOUS DAY

And a giant leap for mankind.

(Thanks to Bob Holt)

THE WILD WEST

Some danged varmints is rustlin' shrubs.

(Thanks to Drew Bennett)

UPDATE ON THE ONGOING EFFORT TO USE TRAPS TO CATCH AND REMOVE THE RABBITS FROM MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT AND DRUG-SMUGGLING FACILITY BECAUSE THE RABBITS DIE AND ATTRACT VULTURES, WHICH GET CAUGHT IN JET ENGINES, WHICH CAUSES PLANES TO CRASH

Now the traps are disappearing.

CRIME UPDATE

When duct tape is outlawed, only outlaws will have duct tape.

(Thanks to Chris Miller)

CUISINE UPDATE

Mmm-MMM! It's pie in a jar!

(Thanks to Mike DiCola)

ATTENTION, MEN

Women are fighting back.

(Thanks to Betsy Sundquist)

FUN VACATION SPOT

"Hey kids! We're going to Stalin World!"

(Thanks to David Berkowitz)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

Does anybody notice . . . anything . . . about this?

(Thanks to Frank Becktel)

BRITISH CUISINE

Yum.

(Thanks to Rick Chandler)

WHY WE MUST PROTECT OUR SACRED RIGHT TO KEEP AND BEAR SWORDS

Read this. And notice the truly wonderful name of the alleged perpetrator.

(Thanks to Mike Harris)

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT!

Gay Israeli vultures.

(Thanks to Penny McCrea)

POSITION STATEMENT

When people ask me: "Dave, as a leading candidate for president, where do you stand on vouchers?", I say I am all for them.

(Thanks to Mike "Weasel" Seidel)