Dave Barry's Blog

UH-OH

Peter O'Toole wants his Oscar back.

WHEW

I'm glad that's over.But it was very interesting. I saw many famous movie stars backstage, and for the record they are all shorter than you think, except Queen Latifah, who is taller than many buildings. I also, before the show started, held Peter O'Toole's Oscar. It is heavier than you think, but not as tall.

Now I have packed up my tuxedo and am heading back to Reality, which, incredibly, is what Miami seems like, compared to this.

IF YOU WATCH THE OSCARS

IF YOU WATCH THE OSCARS

...and you want to see me, when they're showing the stage, look really really hard at the backdrop, wearing your x-way glasses. I will be back there somewhere, in a small group of writers wearing tuxedoes and praying quietly for laughter. Hope you like the show.

WAR UPDATE

Moo.

OSCARS UPDATE

Here's the real explanation for why I'm here. I'm not making this up.

CRIME UPDATE

All of us, especially Cher, will sleep easier when this criminal is behind bars.

MOOD OF THE OSCARS UPDATE

I attended a large pre-Oscars party last night at a swank Beverly Hills mansion. Security was tight, but this was not so much to prevent terrorism as to guard aganst the danger that the guests would encounter regular noncelebrity humans. I saw several famous movie stars, and although I did not talk to them, I would describe their mood as "subdued," in the sense that nobody got naked. Dinner was served in a tent approximately the size of Connecticut, but with more waiters. I would describe the mood in the tent as "tentative," but that would be beneath me.

URGENT WAR-RELATED MUSTARD UPDATE

Please get the word out, before something terrible happens.

(Thanks to Holly Moyer)

TERRORISM UPDATE

These bastards will stoop to anything to disrupt our Way of Life.

(Thanks to Dana Harms)

OSCARS REPORT

I made it, and I have an official credential. I am going to devote my time to wandering around looking for free food and drink. I can report that, outside the theater where the show will be held, there was a man dressed as Superman arguing with a man dressed as Batman. So the war is definitely affecting the mood.

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I am traveling to Los Angeles today, to participate in a Top Secret event that, because of tight security, I can describe only as "The Academy Awards." My thinking is that, what with many actual movie stars deciding not to attend, they might just start handing Oscars out to whoever shows up.

WHY WE CANNOT POSSIBLY LOSE THIS WAR

Because this guy is on our side.

(Thanks to Ariel Raunstien)

WHY AMERICA IS A GREAT COUNTRY

Tell me where else this would happen.

(Thanks to Julia Kohn)

A COMPLETE WASTE OF YOUR TIME

Trust me when I say there is no need for you to click here.

(Thanks to Sarah John)

BRITAIN DOES NOT MESS AROUND

If you cheat, they shoot at your cat.

EXCELLENT NAME FOR AN ACTUAL ROCK BAND

Check it out.

(Thanks to Chuck Goodman)

BE ON GUARD, ALGONA, IOWA

A columnist offers a chilling but true historical argument for keeping a close eye on the monster Cheeto.

TERROR STALKS THE STREETS

First Cher's wig, and now this.

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 2,038

Monica is back.

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

You will want to post this prominently.

(Thanks to a lot of people who keep sending me this link, so you can stop now)

PENNSYLVANIA UPDATE

A state unafraid to tackle the issues.

(Thanks to L. Muller)

CALL THE ACLU NOW!!

One by one, our fundamental rights as Americans are being stripped away.

(Thanks to Tom McMahon)

PUBLIC HEALTH ANNOUNCEMENT

Put down that glass and watch this chilling, and highly scientific, advisory.

(Thanks to Cathy J.)

NOTE: You may have to try the link a couple of times, because of "bandwidth," whatever the hell THAT is.

ALGONA, IOWA: HOME OF BIG MUTANT FOODS

As you may be aware, this blog has been closely monitoring the story of the Giant Cheeto. Recently, this blog had an idea, which it proposed to Bryce Wilson, the man who arranged to bring the Cheeto to Algona, Iowa. Specifically, this blog sent the following email to Bryce:

Dear Bryce --

Do you need a giant corn-flake clot to go with the Monster Cheeto? Some years ago, one of my readers (unfortunately, I no longer have his name) found a big clot of clumped-together flakes in his corn flakes and sent it to me in a handsome baseball-display case. I've had it in my office ever since, but it occurs to me that it might make a nice addition to the Monster Cheeto display. The way I picture it, after people have looked at the Cheeto for a while, they'll say, "Hey! Let's go look at the giant corn-flake clot!" And then a little while later they'll say, "Hey! Let's go back and look at the Cheeto some more!" And before they know it, the day will have flown by.

Let me know, OK?

Dave Barry

Today, this blog received the following email response from Bryce:

Dear Dave,

I don't know what to say. I would be honored to receive your clot. I just spoke to a friend about it and the gears are turning. There is a Hormel Foods plant in town. My friend has a guy who could make an enormous pepperoni. By enormous, he's saying 40 ft. And while 40 ft of anything --especially something as delicious as pepperoni-- is fantastic, I believe that freak foods found in their natural habitat are the most impressive.

Luckily the natural habitat of most snack food is not limited to its original container. For instance, I've seen colonies of snack food turn up in places like sofa cushion cracks, where they evolve and live full, happy lives. These are the freak foods I find most intriguing. This is the type of freak that your clot is. I'm sure it's a beautiful thing.

I assume you need a street address to send it to. If you still are interested in sending me your clot, my address is below.

This entire experience should be a lesson to people. A lesson in chasing one's dreams, pursuing one's goals, and never throwing anything away. Can you imagine where this world would be if the great men and women who first discovered these giants, hadn't had the foresight to preserve them for future generations? I shudder to think. If more people would pause before discarding anything and ask themselves, "what would this be worth on eBay?", the world would undoubtedly be a kinder, warmer, crunchier place.

I thank you Dave for your great contribution. Iowa thanks you, and yes, Dave, the world thanks you.

Let me know what happens next. Thank you, and Godspeed.

Bryce Wilson

It goes without saying that this blog is deeply moved, and has asked its Research Department, Judi Smith (who actually purchased the handsome baseball-style case) to send the corn-flake clot to Bryce.

And next, maybe... A giant pepperoni!

This blog can barely breathe.

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Yikes.

(Thanks to Michael Simmons)

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

In these uncertain times, you will want to keep this information handy.

(Thanks to Bob Sassone)

UH-OH

I am pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

(Thanks to Paul Ashwin)

CAPITALISM UPDATE

Paying to pee in the Windy City.

(Thanks to Stu Greer)

STRANGE DAYS

On CNN, I just watched a perky weather person perkily giving the weather forecast for Baghdad.

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM

Together, we will get through this.

REMAINDERS UPDATE

My rock band, the world-famous (although not for a good reason) Rock Bottom Remainders, will have a very special guest interview us onstage April 25 in Los Angeles, the night before we peform at the Los Angeles Times book festival.

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

Incredibly, we have no defense against this.

(Thanks to L. Powner, I think)

EMERGENCY SHELTER UPDATE

This guy woke up refreshed and wrinkle-free.

(Thanks to Madhvi Bakshi)

CUSTOMER SERVICE UPDATE

Can this possibly be true? Especially the name of the town the guy lives in.

(Thanks to Victoria Martin)

AIRPORT SECURITY UPDATE

You are in a long line at an airport, and from the front of the line, every 15 seconds, a person shouts "PLEASE HAVE YOUR BOARDING PASS AND PHOTO ID AVAILABLE FOR INSPECTION." By the time you reach the front, you have heard this announcement at least 40 times. So imagine how shocked a lot of people -- always including the people right in front of me -- are when they discover that they are supposed to have their boarding pass and photo ID available for inspection.

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I am traveling to Trennsylvania today. Blogging will be... Well, I don't know what blogging will be.

NEW PICKUP LINE FOR GUYS

"Hey, baby. Want a whiff of my pits?"

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)

MILITARY UPDATE

Now we are getting serious.

(Thanks to Morag Wehrle)

ACTION FIGURES

You just know that, in his Secret Undisclosed Location, Dick Cheney has a complete set of these.

(Thanks to Bill Howell)

PROTECTING THE CHILDREN

This is the last straw. From now on, my daughter's bedtime stories will consist exclusively of Stephen King.

(Thanks to Jeff Langdon)

TECHNOLOGY UPDATE

They claim this is new, but I have been spilling beer onto my laptop keyboard for years.

(Thanks to Greg Mayhew)

YUM

Tina Mancuso sent in this excellent cuisine-related link. If you like it, you will love this book by the brilliant Mr. James Lileks.

AS SOON AS WE'RE DONE WITH IRAQ

...we will definitely need to do something about this.

(Thanks to Jeff Langdon)

THE MYSTERIOUS EAST

It's very hard to figure out what this festival is all about.

(Thanks to J. Bond)

DEPARTMENT OF INTERNATIONAL UNDERSTANDING

Responsing to my column this week is about how we can be friends with the French again, Tom Brewer has graciously sent this link to some more useful French phrases.

ANNOUNCEMENT

Today is St. Patrick's day, so as evening approaches blogging will be even more incoherent than usual.

WHY LAWYERS ARE SO POPULAR

An attorney for the wackjob, excuse me, the alleged wackjob, who allegedly kidnapped Elizabeth Smart allegedly said in a TV interview that his client should get a light sentence. Here is his alleged "reasoning":

Long also suggested that giving a light sentence to his client - whom he referred to as ''the perpetrator'' - could send a signal to kidnappers that they should keep their captives alive.

SENSIBLE GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS BENEFITING HUMANITY UPDATE

"OK, Martha, according to the labels, your egg was laid by a chicken named Bernice, whereas mine was..."

(Thanks to Reason Online)

BIG APPLE UPDATE

This could make the world forget all about the giant Cheeto.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)

GIANT CHEETO UPDATE

The giant Cheeto is taking today off.